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Not letting dc see ex at Christmas?

(12 Posts)
saltlakesterling Thu 11-Dec-14 14:35:56

If anybody could give me any advice that would be brilliant.

Ex was very abusive in pretty much every possible way. We were at court in November and go back next year for next hearing over contact. There is weekly contact at the moment but lots of safeguarding concerns.
At the last hearing Christmas was mentioned and before I could say anything, he said he just wanted his usual day of the week contact, nothing extra or special for Christmas. bemused me slightly but ok.
It's been almost a month and I've since made plans for over the Christmas week other than the day he sees dc (too young to have an opinion). He's waited til now to ask if it's alright if he has him on boxing day.
Now I know I'm involved in it all so I can't see it all free of emotion from all the abuse but I don't want to not have dc for two days over the Christmas week. And I certainly don't want dc to be there for the two days.
Am I being unfair? What do I say? will it look bad on me at the next hearing if I decline even though he made it clear at the last one he didn't want Christmas contact and has left it a month.
I feel like he's left it this long just to spoil our Christmas plans at the last minute. I also think he's only sent the txt because I've not replied to the one he sent last night.

Please be gentle with me because this man has put me and dc though utter hell. . but how unreasonable am I being here? what would you do??

26Point2Miles Thu 11-Dec-14 14:44:36

Is he currently allowed unsupervised or overnights?

Middleagedmotheroftwo Thu 11-Dec-14 14:55:01

If he's safe to have DCs, then I think he's entitled to have his kids to stay over Christmas. It's for their benefit as much as his. I don't think you can say you "don't want to not have the DC for two days". You're both the parents and you have to share them, whether you personally like the situation, or their father, or not.

GirlOnAHotTinRoof Thu 11-Dec-14 15:08:43

As he clearly stated at your last hearing that he didn't want any additional time over Christmas can you not tell him you've already made other arrangements on that basis?

It would appear his level of contact is agreed in court and therefore it would be unwise to stray from that. He had the opportunity to request more at your last hearing and chose not to.

What concerns me is not the fact it's Christmas, but that you have safeguarding concerns. That would be my reason to want to limit contact to what has been formally agreed.

I should say though that I don't have experience of court hearings and this is just my opinion. Hopefully somebody with some legal knowledge will come along and offer advice soon.

saltlakesterling Thu 11-Dec-14 16:12:24

He has unsupervised but that did not happen straight away and will be discussed at the next hearing whether it's appropriate to continue.
There have never been overnights and safeguarding concerns are serious. But if he has him the additional day to the usual contact day a week it will double the time with him effectively that week which is what I'm trying to say.
I'm worried ill look unreasonable like it will be portrayed "she wouldn't let me see my baby at christmas" even though he said no at first and has only asked now. But also worried that if I said yes then that goes against safeguarding concerns?

26Point2Miles Thu 11-Dec-14 16:35:45

To be honest you are saying there are huge safeguarding concerns yet court granted him unsupervised.... That doesn't make sense!

saltlakesterling Thu 11-Dec-14 16:43:59

There was, he did relevant courses to show he was changing ect and told a lot of lies and eventually it went to unsupervised. Since then ss and police have been involved because of his behaviour and the way dc is on arrival back to us.

HonestLie Thu 11-Dec-14 17:51:23

He said he didn't want any extra time so I would just say no you have plans and keep repeating it.

petalsandstars Thu 11-Dec-14 17:59:16

Stick to your plans - if he brings the woe is me story up at court he'll get short shrift as it was agreed in court about Christmas week contact and he didn't want it then. With your additional concerns - definitely no.

HonestLie Sun 14-Dec-14 09:30:29

Hi OP. What did you decide to do?

saltlakesterling Mon 15-Dec-14 09:58:50

Hi Honest. We have compromised with them spending some time with him on boxing day morning. His mum has been helpful by insisting it be at her house so that puts my mind at rest slightly but I'm still not comfortable with it because of such safeguarding worries. Dd saw him last week (there was no contact this week) and again came back to us in a state where ss were involved and she is still unexplainably bruised. I'm struggling with the whole situation so if anybody has been through this before or has any advice that would be top dollar.

rockinrobintweet Mon 15-Dec-14 10:05:41

Hi OP. am saddened to read your post, and hear that you are still uncomfortable with the situation. if the contact is at his mothers Boxing Day (which i think is very admirable btw).. could you possibly stay? if it's a couple of hours you could have a coffee with them, speak with exMIL whilst father plays with baby and that way everyone's happy?

i have a close friend whose experienced similar and am a teacher whose worked first hand with abuse. firstly can't believe he's got unsupervised visits and secondly you wouldn't look bad in court if you denied him EXTRA.. as he still had the amount of time court agreed. you will not have breached the contract.

best wishes with you OP xx

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