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15 year old with a 20 yr old boyfriend

(23 Posts)
Sconn73 Mon 17-Nov-14 12:41:49

My dd has a friend who she used to be really close with , they are not so close anymore but still friendly , myself and the other girls mum are still quite friendly , this girl has now told my dd she has been seeing a 20 year old without her parents knowledge , my dd has begged me not to say anything to the girls mother , if it was me I would want to know , what would you do ?

losthermind Mon 17-Nov-14 12:43:14

Tell her mother its a no brainer!!!!

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Nov-14 12:47:33

Tell the girl she has until x date to tell her mother otherwise you will.

MrsHathaway Mon 17-Nov-14 13:20:25

What on earth does a 20yo have in common with a schoolgirl anyway?

If she'd begged me not to tell her mother, and I couldn't be 100% sure of the mother's reaction, I'd tell school instead. She didn't ask you not to talk to her form tutor / HOY / safeguarding lead.

It might be fine. But.

MrsHathaway Mon 17-Nov-14 13:21:50

The girl must know it's wrong if she's keeping the relationship secret. And no totally upright man would let his underage gf keep that secret.

Sconn73 Mon 17-Nov-14 14:46:18

Thank you all for your advice x

Notbythehaironmychinnychinchin Mon 17-Nov-14 14:48:30

Tell her mother. Not least so they can have an honest discussion about birth control. It's pretty unlikely isn't it that a 20 year old man isn't going to be having sex?

trevortrevorslattery Mon 17-Nov-14 14:57:27

Definitely tell!

tobysmum77 Thu 20-Nov-14 07:42:24

I think tell her mum but its interesting, if they were 16 and 21 people would think this entirely normal.

VanitasVanitatum Thu 20-Nov-14 07:45:44

Be aware that if you do tell the mother dd may not trust you again. I would sit down with dd first and explain why it's such an important issue.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Thu 20-Nov-14 07:50:13

I wouldn't toby, if my 16 yr old dd was seeing a man of that age I would still be unhappy. Mum needs to know.

AliMonkey Thu 20-Nov-14 07:59:44

Like a PP I say tell her that she needs to tell her mum by x date otherwise you will.

Not necessarily a problem in itself (from my experience of being 17 dating 22 year old not all 20 year olds will be pressing for sex) but being kept a secret is.

zippey Thu 20-Nov-14 08:03:23

Tough one this. I think you need to ask what is more important, the potential child safeguarding issue or retaining your daughters trust.

I think I would talk to your daughter as to why it's important to tell the parent. If daughter is still insistent then I wouldn't say anything.

I think at 15 it's borderline, because at 16 she can do what she wants to.

I think it's good that your daughter can share these things with you and I would be wary of putting that in jepordy.

The NSPCC have a good helpline where you can talk over such issues. If you google it and call them, and see what they advise.

peggyundercrackers Thu 20-Nov-14 08:16:55

I wouldn't tell, its really none of your business what someone elses daughter does.

iwantgin Thu 20-Nov-14 08:21:14

I wouldn't tell. Perhaps talk to your daughter about the rights and wrongs of the relationship.

The mother may know.

I had a boyfriend who was 23 when I was 15. Makes me feel a bit sick thinking back. But hey - I thought I was an adult at 15. I was quite mature but my parents were not best pleased about. They did step in actually and warn him off ( I only discovered this fact about 20 years later!).

It could be that he is a young 20, and she is an old 15. That doesn't excuse the illegality of the underage sex but it does make it more understandable.

zippey Thu 20-Nov-14 10:42:28

I would be waqry of using phrases like "an old 15 year old". I think at 15 you are still young. A lot of men are still behaviorally immature at age 20 but they will have the wants and needs of an adult.

But in all, I would probably not interfere as its none of your business, and at 15, she is pretty near the age of consent.

WannaBe Thu 20-Nov-14 10:52:25

I wouldn't get involved.

I went out with a twenty year old when I was fifteen and no, we didn't sleep together.

I was more mature, but more importantly, he wasn't.

Looking back I think wtf but not because of his age but because of the person he was.

Interestingly now he is 45, has never had another girlfriend and still lives with his mother! shock

tobysmum77 Thu 20-Nov-14 16:38:54

what rings alarm bells for me is that she is keeping it from her mum I wonder why. I also wonder why your dd has told you.

iwantgin Thu 20-Nov-14 22:12:52

I don't find it strange that she is keeping it a secret from her mum.

I didn't tell my DM anything. Still don't tell her too much now in fact.

Kikiw123 Thu 04-Dec-14 00:18:39

Mmmm tricky one.

Personally I would rather keep my own dds trust.
This issue is the other girls parents problem for not being aware of what their daughter is up to. The mother, your friend, may be upset if anything comes of it and she finds out you knew though.
Why don't you drop into the conversation that you saw her dd with a boy?

zippey Thu 04-Dec-14 12:05:31

No, don't say anything, none of your business, and 20 isn't that old really.

AdoraBell Thu 04-Dec-14 12:16:27

I would want to know why she is keeping it a secret. If it seems like a potentially abusive relationship then she needs help. If it's because she's a very sensible 15 yr old, there are a some, and doesn't want her parents interfering then she won't thank anyone for telling her mother.

There's also the issue of your DD's trust. For me it's important that my DDs can tell me anything and everything. Also the friend obvious ply trusts your DD.

So I would do some gentle digging to try and find out how she is doing since meeting the BF, confident? Happy? Still spends time with friends? Still doing well at school? Then make decision based on that.

DrElizabethPlimpton Thu 04-Dec-14 12:23:53

I am wondering what motivated your daughter to tell you about this relationship? My feeling is that she wants you to intervene as she is concerned for her friend, but can't take action herself.

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