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Some advice from women

(40 Posts)
aviewfromtheotherside Wed 12-Nov-14 14:42:10

Hi. So first off, I am a male and know that this is a mums forum, but also can see from the members on here that it is a caring group who do not judge and I really do need some advice on a topic that may be against the beliefs of some on here so please do not judge me or my partner.

So to give you the situation, I have been with my girlfriend since the start of August and if I am honest I love her very much even in this short time. Things haven't always been easy and we have broken up twice, but never more than overnight during an argument.

Last month, she told me that she was pregnant. We discussed it and children isn't something she sees in her future and whilst I wasn't in complete agreement on the decision I agreed to support her 100% during the termination, which took place a month ago.

During the week of the termination she withdrew from me a lot (she had always said since the decision was made that she was 100% fine with it and what she was doing) and I only saw her on the days I took her to hospital for the checkup and termination (she didnt want to see me the rest of the time). I saw her again 2 days after it and knew straight away that she had struggled with this much more than she thought she would. I put all my effort into being there when she needed me and helping get her back on her feet. But I did have to go through the whole thing on my own (I do appreciate that its harder on the woman, but its not easy for us guys either).

Since the termination she has gotten back to normal. Things between us haven't been great all the time, but we are still together and still want to remain that way, and are both committed to putting in the effort to make us work. However she is still a little withdrawn (although not excessively) and the thing I find hardest to deal with that she won't stay over at my place or let me stay at hers.

We have talked about it and she has told me she is trying to deal with it but doesn't know if she ever will. I have told her that it hurts me and I don't feel as close to her but that I don't want her to feel under pressure and that we need to give it time, which may sound like pressure to some of you.

I know what she has been through is such a hard thing, and that there will be effects that she will have to deal with for the rest of her life. I have looked on forums elsewhere but anything relating to this is from the woman perspective and the responses are basically "if he brings it up then ditch him". But that is a very simplistic approach to take to the issue and us guys do have emotions surrounding this subject and relationships in general too.

I guess my reason for being here is looking for any help or advice that anyone can give, especially those who may have been in a similar situation (if its not too difficult to talk about).

Hope some of you kind people can help me

Tomuchtosay Wed 12-Nov-14 14:51:15

Not sure I can help or give good advice. But did you say you would support her 100% even if she kept it?

aviewfromtheotherside Wed 12-Nov-14 14:52:59

Yes I did. I told her that whatever decision she made, I would support her 100% in what she did. And that she had to be comfortable in the decision

Tomuchtosay Wed 12-Nov-14 14:57:31

Then I cannot help. but hopefully someone will be along soon, who maybe able to.
If you don't get any replys in an hour just bump the post again.

aviewfromtheotherside Wed 12-Nov-14 18:02:25


BaffledSomeMore Wed 12-Nov-14 18:12:24

I do think it's time and space she needs.
And you need to do that quietly without expectation or praise. Any pressure into intimacy may drive her away.
Perhaps she knew it wasn't what she wanted but that doesn't mean the termination won't have left her with feelings she needs to resolve. It isn't clear cut.

PrettyPictures92 Wed 12-Nov-14 18:13:26

Well I think the fact that you've broken up twice because of an argument when you've only been together about three months is a warning sign.

Wrt a termination, I was forced into one just over a year ago by my now ex. Not quite the same situation and although I know logically that I couldn't have kept the baby anyway (severe mh issues at the time, on my own with two young children and no support etc, it just wouldn't have been fair for my two or for the baby) I'm still not over it and I couldn't stay with my ex because of it. It still hurts, I still cry and I will never forget.

Bottom line is, I feel like I murdered my baby. Many women do end up feeling this way and no matter what the reasons for the termination it is a pain that will always stay with you. I have only recently begun to heal, she needs to grieve and so do you. Whether together or apart you both need time to heal before your relationship can move on.

I wish both of you all the best.

aviewfromtheotherside Thu 13-Nov-14 10:50:06

I must point out that this isn't about sex. Its about feeling close to her.

And when I say we split up twice, this was down to a misunderstanding rather than arguing generally and breaking up

SecretSpy Thu 13-Nov-14 10:54:31

'I did have to go through the whole thing on my own' seems like an odd way to see it to me.

You mutually agreed to terminate the pregnancy but she went through it. She may not feel able to support you with it at the moment as she is still dealing with it herself.

aviewfromtheotherside Thu 13-Nov-14 11:02:59

When I say I had to go through it on my own, I mean that during the week of the termination I couldn't see or talk to her other than taking her to the hospital. I was on my own and couldn't even make sure she was ok or had everything she needed because she wouldn't see or talk to me. I wasn't allowed to go in for the appointments, to know what was said or what was happening. Its not easy to be shut out from someone so completely during something like that.

NickiFury Thu 13-Nov-14 11:08:01

I actually do see your point, it must have been very hard. The only thing I will say though is that it would have been even tougher for her. Unfortunately all you can do is wait for her to be ready and this could take a very long time and she may not ever be.

Chaseface Thu 13-Nov-14 11:11:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chaseface Thu 13-Nov-14 11:12:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aviewfromtheotherside Thu 13-Nov-14 11:32:54

She was on contraceptive injections at the time, but still fell pregnant

Chaseface Thu 13-Nov-14 11:39:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Agrestic Thu 13-Nov-14 11:46:53

I think the termination is a red herring. Broken up twice in a few months. Arguments. Distance. It's supposed to be the honey moon phase.

aviewfromtheotherside Thu 13-Nov-14 11:48:33

I do see what you mean. She doesn't want kids at any stage though, and was 100% in her mind about the termination.

To be fair to her, she is reassuring me that she wants to be with me and wants to make this work between us and wants me in her life. I understand the reluctance when it comes to sex - as she was on contraception and got pregnant and doesn't want that happening again, but not when it comes to sharing a bed.

What do you mean by red herring? Before the pregnancy things were really good.

Chaseface Thu 13-Nov-14 11:49:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aviewfromtheotherside Thu 13-Nov-14 11:55:07

The first was the weekend she found out she was pregnant (she suspected it but hadn't been to the docs to confirm, and hadn't told me). She said something which I misunderstood and we went our separate ways. Next day though I knew something wasn't right. We talked and sorted things out.

The second was last weekend. Again I took something she said the wrong way. But again we talked and got past it.

Since then, things have been more more the way they were when we got together, and she is much more like her. She also reassures me that we are doing good together and that its just going to take time. And that she wants to be with me

Only1scoop Thu 13-Nov-14 11:56:29

Do you mind me asking how old you both are? It's a lot to be going on in a relatively short relationship....I think you can only support her as you are being caring and as understanding as you can be. I think the need for a little distance is probably normal whilst she takes a little time.

aviewfromtheotherside Thu 13-Nov-14 11:56:55

And the last few times when I have been over there late at night she has said she is worried about me driving home, and maybe I should stay. But I know that its not what she wants so find it difficult to say yes and end up going home

aviewfromtheotherside Thu 13-Nov-14 11:57:24

I am 36, she is 32

Only1scoop Thu 13-Nov-14 11:58:27

'But I know this is not what she wants'

How do you know that.

Surely she wouldn't suggest you stay if she didn't you there.

Apologies if I'm misreading....

aviewfromtheotherside Thu 13-Nov-14 12:00:05

Because when I asked her she told me she still isn't comfortable with it but is worried about me driving home

QuintsBombWithAWiew Thu 13-Nov-14 12:07:48

You should be madly in love, not arguing and breaking up, making up and blowing hot and cold.

"She said something which I misunderstood and we went our separate ways. Next day though I knew something wasn't right. We talked and sorted things out."

"The second was last weekend. Again I took something she said the wrong way. But again we talked and got past it."

You seem to be hot-headed and sulky. Maybe it the abortion is a red herring, she is beginning to get to know you, and is withdrawing because she does not like what she is discovering?

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