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would you leave? or would you stay? what the hell do i do

(27 Posts)
Edinburghpudding Fri 31-Oct-14 15:40:43

Hi everyone, hope you are well.
Ill try and keep this as short as possible.
I am 26 yo, my oh is 25, my son from my first relationship is 4. I am studying full time at uni and am 35 weeks pregnant with my second child to my oh.
my and oh have been together 2 years.
I wont go into timelines....but for the first year of our relationship he lied a lot.
he went to Thailand....when he returned I found condoms packed in his bag, and messages online to and from girls arranging to meet up. wed only been together around 5 6 months so he believed his excuse of condoms weren't his and girls were friends from previous Thailand holiday.

few months later I found him on online dating sites, he said it was nothing, an "extension of porn" to look at. and swore on my sons life he hadn't cheated and would never do it again.
then little lies like he went to a wedding but told me he was at a pub!

then around Christmas time I had that familiar gut feeling, found him on yet more online dating sites...including at least 3 cross dressing sites...when I confronted him he broke down in tears and was full of remorse. and stupidly, I felt for him, I let him stay.

all this was nearly a year ago now....but I have been completely unable to forget....around once a month il have a breakdown for a week where I cry, swell with anger and feel guilty as Im not very good company at these times. I cant sleep properly and get very stressed thinking about what went on and who he was looking at and what the messages said and about how he must have wanted sex with these woman. and what about cross dressers and transvestites, wtf??
I am unable to show affection, love and find it hard to be physical. my self esteem is low, I feel whale like and wonder if he thinks about others.
I feel like taking my son and running, I cant believe I was so blind, and then to become pregnant!!

why cant I get over this? hes a good guy really...this year hes tried to prove that hes sorry, travels 60 miles to and from work. put up with me being nasty to him when I go through my remembrance stage.

has anyone else been through something similar?? or felt similar??
please help x

Fanfeckintastic Fri 31-Oct-14 15:51:18

Leave (sorry for blunt reply) x

RandomMess Fri 31-Oct-14 15:56:34

Leave, you'll never trust him and I think he's probably just got better at hiding what he gets up to...

InfinitySeven Fri 31-Oct-14 15:56:58

You can't get over it because he lied.

If you're not convinced that you can walk yet, tell him that unless he comes clean to you tonight, you'll be leaving. If he sticks to the rubbish he told you before, you'll know his "good guy" act is just that. An act.

But you'd save yourself a lot of hurting and heartache if you just left. This isn't saveable.

NickiFury Fri 31-Oct-14 15:57:14

I posted on your other thread about this.

Dump him.

Flexibilityisaghost Fri 31-Oct-14 16:01:54

He is NOT a good guy, he is a lying cheating scumbag. I would leave and be glad you've escaped!

MajesticWhine Fri 31-Oct-14 16:06:32

There's a couple of things going on here. He doesn't sound like a great catch to be honest. I think he pushed you too far and you can't get over it. Your self esteem has already taken a bashing - how much more are you willing to take? But also crying for a week per month, it sounds like you might be suffering from really bad premenstrual syndrome or premenstrual dysphoric disorder. You could get some help for that, it is treatable.

Edinburghpudding Fri 31-Oct-14 16:54:57

I never used to get this crying thing before.
I'm sorry, I feel a bit self indulgent asking for advice twice, I'm just at a crossroads I suppose, and it's not something I really talk about x

PresidentTwonk Sat 01-Nov-14 01:51:13

A dating website is 'an extension of porn'? confused

Please leave him!

Elllimam Sat 01-Nov-14 01:53:42

He doesn't sound nice at all. Do you think you would be happier without him? Sounds like you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop xx

ChillingGrinBloodLover Sat 01-Nov-14 02:41:11

Leave.

Your life will continue to be utterly miserable if you stay with him... St best it will be how it is now, him cheating on you constantly... But it's bound to get worse.

Get yourself and your kids out if there.

wickedlazy Sat 01-Nov-14 04:10:26

Op is not pre-menstral, she's preganant and by the sounds of it maybe depressed after being through so much crap with oh. I have no advice op, just wanted to say I hope everything works out for you flowers

LoveBeingGetAGrip Sat 01-Nov-14 04:25:11

You don't sound like you have accepted the only solution is to leave. How about some counseling to help focus on you and what you want?

HelloItsMeFell Sat 01-Nov-14 04:36:18

Actually you say you don't want to go into timelines, but you've said enough for me to be able to see that this man was probably being unfaithful to you (in one roundabout way or another) for the whole time up until you got PG, pretty much. And not even in a straightforward way, but in ways that leave huge question marks over his ability to ever grow out of it and become a run of the mill husband and father, should he choose to sort himself out and start behaving. The Thailand thing would suggest ladyboys, and he's been more than once….and the cross-dressing sights…..This is more than just being unfaithful, it's exploring a part of his sexuality which is going to keep on at him like an itch he needs to scratch. I don't think it's going to be possible for him to just stop. Do you want to live with the shadow of that over you and your children for the next few years, until it all falls apart spectacularly?

Leave now. He is very young and he obviously has some issues with his sexuality and gender related stuff and can't quite work out yet what it is he is, and what he wants. Either that, or he is in denial and he's using you as a prop to appear just like any other 'normal' bloke.

But he shouldn't get the luxury of being given time to work through all of that stuff at your and your children's expense.

Nothing wrong with being bi-curious/transvestite/into transvestites per se, but he's supposed to be committed to you and he's about to become a father, so really it's irrelevant who he is screwing around with or fantasising about - he' supposed to be committed to you and he clearly isn't. if he can't focus on you after only two years together then he probably never will.

You were a fool to go ahead and get PG in light of the fact that you knew about all this beforehand, a real fool, but I guess you don't need me to tell you that now.

HelloItsMeFell Sat 01-Nov-14 04:36:48

sites, not sights

GayByrne Sat 01-Nov-14 04:43:22

Oh you poor love. I hear the distress in your posts.

You know that this isn't working and it won't work. You know that your children shouldn't see this as some sort of role-model rellie. You know that you will leave him, today, tomorrow, next year, 5 years from now. You know this, don't you?

Do it now. I seldom give such blunt advice because things written down are black and white on paper (literally!) and screen, but aren't in real life. You have many, many mitigating factors - son, pregnancy, money (?), family disappointment, wondering if anyone will love you with two children (they will, by the way!!). But this is where I change my stance and say go. Put things in place for when you do leave so it's the least stressful it can be (I know, hilarious).

But you know that this, one day, will be over and the longer you continue with the situation, the worse the break up be for you all (especially your little ones).

God, I am so sorry. You must be absolutely reeling. Please PM me if you need help. I'm a good listener (reader!) and I can help practically too - won't go into detail here, only to say my sister was with a man who was very unkind and someone really pulled her through before I even knew about it - it's my time to pay it forward.

Edinburghpudding Sat 01-Nov-14 07:02:26

Thank you everyone.
I left him last night. He went off crying and angry, understandably.
Not sure how to explain to my 4 year old, but il figure out something appropriate.
I feel awful this morning, but reading the posts has given me a bit of strength. X

Eminado Sat 01-Nov-14 07:07:01

You made the right decision - no question.

wannabestressfree Sat 01-Nov-14 07:07:25

You have done the right thing. Well done pudding x

3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole Sat 01-Nov-14 07:10:26

Op your clearly not happy. Children pick up on these things
If you don't leave for yourself leave for your dc

ilovelamp82 Sat 01-Nov-14 07:22:28

Well done. You definitely made the right decision. Life without him will be so much better. That was no life to live. No wonder you had no self esteem. After some time without him your self esteem will start to slowly come back.

Well done for realising that you deserve more. You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Just concentrate on you and your kids just now. I would suggest seeking some counselling when you feel ready to work on your self esteem as being with someone that treats you badly for so long can really blur the boundaries in your mind of what is an acceptable way to be treated.

Congratulations on your baby to come. You've really done your kids a credit by taking action to not raise them around this model of relationship, so that they can go on to have healthy and happy relationships themselves.

You should be so proud of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Do you have friends or family that can be with you today?

LoveBeingGetAGrip Sat 01-Nov-14 07:28:01

Well done. Do not doubt this is the right decision

Edinburghpudding Sat 01-Nov-14 08:42:24

Thanks again everyone.
My sons been invited to 2 birthday parties today so wer quite busy!
My heads a big jumble but I suppose I just need a few days to settle down. It was always going to happen, just a case of when.
I do feel for him though, and my foolishness is quite embarrassing x

PresidentTwonk Sat 01-Nov-14 16:47:28

You made the right decision. The only one who should be embarrassed is him. Keep coming back and talking don't keep your feelings to yourself have an un-mumsnetty hug and wine

Elllimam Sun 02-Nov-14 11:01:06

Well done you, you have made the right choice. Hope you are ok, feel free to pm if you need to talk xxx

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