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Need to vent. Some serious stuff.

(11 Posts)
ViMummy12 Fri 31-Oct-14 01:51:14

First off I am not completely sure of the reasons why I'm posting this but I guess I either need to write it down and get it out my system or just someone to talk to.
I'm a 20 year old single mum to my 3 year old DD. I was groomed into an abusive relationship with an older man at 15 and ended up with DD at 16. We escaped when I was 18 but since meeting him at 15 I've had really bad mental health problems (likes of suicide attempts and self-harming) I managed to get better to a degree and stopped having bad thoughts so much. Everything still haunts me though and I've been on and off the drink for about a year now. My counselling ended a few months ago now around the time I fell in love with someone. I ended up getting crushed and him going off with another girl. Since that first situation though I've had a problem where thoughts and memories just swirl round and round my head until I feel like I'm being driven insane. I made a promise to this guy because I was so in love with him I'd still be there for him no matter what. He asked me to come out for his birthday and I did but this girl was there and it felt like the hardest day of my life seeing them together. I ended up cutting the night early and going straight to my friends in hysteric's. She told me not to speak to him any more and when he doesn't initiate conversation then it would prove that he doesn't care. I did just that and after a few weeks just got a message of him tonight. He's mad at me. Apparently people have be 'having a go' at him saying he screwed me over and just used me for s*x and money. I told him exactly what I've said to people who have asked, just that my feelings got really hurt and it kinda felt like he made empty promises to me. He says me telling people that is unfair on him and I should stop talking about him to anyone. Now the thoughts are whirling round and memories of everything that's ever happened are coming up (as I only recently discovered that I was actually raped in the abuse relationship and that has been eating away as well this past week). Now I've given into the urge and found beer in the fridge tha my friend forgot to take back with her and I'm drinking it and the feelings are getting worse and I'm have self harm thoughts. I also keep thinking about how I'm going to see him and this girl at a halloween party tomorrow and I keep imagining them being all over each other in front of me and the image won't stop whirling round. Also theres a small possibility that my DD's father could be there as we hang round with some of the same people, that doesn't bother me so much as the bouncers and bar staff have prewarning that he is to be arrested if he makes contact with me. The problem I'm having is I'm having nightmares of my friends getting too drunk (they have a tendency to wander off) and I'm going to be outside alone and he is waiting for me. I know its unlikely to happen but its been causing stress. On top of that I've got 8 uni assignments due 3 of them next week and I have no idea how I'm going to do it when I keep letting myself get in this state. Sorry for all this, its just I've had counselling since age 9 so saying it or writing it down is the best way for me to come down.

TheysayIamparanoid Fri 31-Oct-14 02:07:10

Can you start the counselling again?
Oh and Don't go to the party!!

ViMummy12 Fri 31-Oct-14 02:12:27

I'm not being referred again because I had 3 weeks without any bad thoughts or drink or anything so apparently they've put me down on the system as cured. Only way i'm probably going to get referred again is if i end up in hospital again. Last time I was 15 and tried to suffocate myself.

antimatter Fri 31-Oct-14 02:21:10

I would not go to that party.

I would have good night sleep, shower first thing tomorrow and start planning your essays.
You have to look at what is priority for you.

I reckon you are paying for your Uni.
If you fail this year not only you are going to feel crap you will also be in debt!
And you would have to pay that money very soon....

Your priority now is to get those essays out ASAP and concentrate on your studies as getting that done will give you great boost and increase your self confidence.

You must be clever anyway just lost your concentration....

What do you think?

thecatfromjapan Fri 31-Oct-14 02:30:44

I agree with the previous posters.

I also think you should get counselling through your university. It will be free.

LoveBeingGetAGrip Fri 31-Oct-14 02:53:00

Do not go to the party. There is no reason to put yourself in that position.

Contact your gp and get back into counseling, tell him these thoughts are back.

Pour the beer down the sink.

AngryBeaver Fri 31-Oct-14 02:58:44

Don't go to the party. You are being manipulated.

You need to sort your assignments out to the best of your ability, for you and your little girls future.
Concentrate on that.

Nothing good will come of going to the party.

You would do much better to get your head down and focus on your work.

This guy is stringing you along. You owe him nothing.

SavoyCabbage Fri 31-Oct-14 03:12:00

Don't go to the party.

Ask at uni about counselling.

Focus on uni and yourself and your dd.

Try not to communicate with this ex boyfriend. Put it out there that you are not interested in what he's doing, or who he is dating.

CiderwithBuda Fri 31-Oct-14 03:23:56

You poor thing.

Is there any beer left? Can you pour it down the sink? Make a cup of tea and drink some water. Maybe some toast.

I agree that you shouldn't go to the party. You won't enjoy it. It will stress you out. Buy yourself some nice treats to have tomorrow with DD and plan a nice evening in. When she has gone to bed do some uni work.

And try and find out about counselling through uni.

Blu Fri 31-Oct-14 03:58:29

ViMummy, so sorry that you have been treated so badly by some truly horrible people . You sound as if you are still in shock and trauma following the very abusive experience; I will not call it a 'relationship'.

I am in awe and admiration that with your lovely dd and following such a shocking experience you have managed to get yourself into Uni. Fantastic achievement and a way to help yourself and your little girl. Can you ditch the Halloween party - too much salt to be rubbed into new wounds by going- and get on with your Uni work. Really get into it and give yourself that great feeling of achievement of finishing a piece of work.

And put a chart on the well and get yourself some gold star stickers and give your self a gold star every time you finish a section. You really deserve to enjoy some pride in yourself.

And do go back to your GP. Ludicrous to withdraw your counselling support.

But in the meantime, you keep looking after you.

Good luck, ViMummy.

AlyssThePumpkinQueen Fri 31-Oct-14 09:26:26

Hi OP, I've been in a very similar situation to this, but now I'm on the other side of things and everything is so much brighter. Please feel free to PM me and we can chat.

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