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Daughter doesn't want to invite the girl we went on holiday with to her party...

(23 Posts)
buffersandbumpers Fri 03-Oct-14 19:00:26

Girl X is in DD5's class. DD is six next month and we are having a small party at home (I've said she can invite up to 10 children). We went on holiday with X over the summer and I'm good friends with X's Mum. But they have a love/hate relationship and DD is refusing point blank to invite X to her party. WWYD wise Mumsnetters?

Iggi999 Fri 03-Oct-14 19:10:18

Invite 11 including the other girl - if they are friends mostly and the mum will know she is being excluded. Or, say it's school friends only?

Vitalstatistix Fri 03-Oct-14 19:13:53

I would separate my friendship from my children's and invite her friends.

If she isn't friends with this kid, and it isn't a whole class party just excluding her, then it really shouldn't be a problem. She shouldn't feel that she has to be friends with someone just because her and their parents are friends.

AMumInScotland Fri 03-Oct-14 19:34:49

Did she ask to go on holiday with girl X? It sounds like that was because of your choice of friends, not hers.
If you've told her that she can invite up to 10 children, then you have to accept that she will invite the people that she likes. Don't force your choices onto her party.

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 03-Oct-14 19:38:30

If they have an on/ off friendship and nothing major has happened I'd do as PP says and invite 11, including this girl.

buffersandbumpers Fri 03-Oct-14 22:41:13

Yes MuminScotland, it was the parents not the children who made the decision to go on holiday (all children were under 6).
The class is 2 year groups together. DD's year has 4 girls. DD wants to invite the other 2 from her year and I think currently 2 or 3 from the other year, so X is excluded on one hand, but not on the other. Aaaaggghhhhh. This is just so hard!
I get that I should let her chose, but X comes for play dates sometimes (at her request often) and none of the others have!
I think the Mum (my friend) is actually very understanding and I might just come clean and tell her my dilemma.

Maryz Fri 03-Oct-14 22:55:27

If there are only four girls in her year, you can't not invite one of them. That would be teaching her that it's ok to exclude someone.

At 6 their friendships ebb and flow; she may well be getting on with her by the time the party comes around, and if you don't invite her, her mum will (understandably) take it very personally, so you even if the girls sort things out you as adults may never do so.

I wouldn't discuss it with her. Just compile a list and invite people. This girl will be diluted anyway, your dd won't notice she is there.

merlehaggard Fri 03-Oct-14 22:56:56

I think I would say nothing to your friend and just tell your daughter that she ought to be invited, even if you raise the number to 11. Unless there is any real reason not to then it would seem mean to leave her out and I think I would just explain that. It's a lesson on treating others how you wanted to be treated yourself I guess.

Maryz Fri 03-Oct-14 22:59:46

If there were 20 girls in her year and you were inviting 10, then it wouldn't be such an issue.

Heyho111 Sat 04-Oct-14 02:09:18

Let her invite 10 and the girl is an extra one. But try to stop the cycle of making your kids play or invite to party's your friends kids. It's not fair on them.
I made it clear to my friends that we didn't have to feel obliged to invite each other's kids to come over to play or parties. Just made life easier.

buffersandbumpers Sat 04-Oct-14 07:42:41

Heyho I don't routinely ask my friends children over unless it's people who live elsewhere that I want to catch up with. With school friends I always let the children choose. This situation is just a bit out of the norm as it's a new friendship (only really got to know the Mum and daughter this past school year).
I think the point made earlier is right about X being diluted and the point about these friendships ebbing and flowing at this age.

ChippingInLatteLover Sat 04-Oct-14 07:46:08

Why is your DD refusing to invite her?

hoobypickypicky Sat 04-Oct-14 07:48:39

Regardless of whether the host is a child or an adult I don't see the point or benefit in inviting people you don't like/don't want to invite to a function.

It would be perfectly simple for me. "X, you may invite 10 people to your party. Who would you like there? Right, super, you've chosen ten. Let's send out the invitations --before you change your mind sixty four times.--"

No adult interference required.

SixerofthePixies Sat 04-Oct-14 07:51:45

If she only has 4 girls in her year, you can't just invite 2 of the girls and leave 1 out that's horrible.

claraschu Sat 04-Oct-14 08:05:06

Hooby, do you never include people in order to be kind? I think at any age we always should be aware of other people's feelings, and take them into account.

In this case, to exclude one girl, (an on-again off-again friend), from the small group in the year would be very mean. Including her will not ruin the party.

Everyone complains about the bitchiness of girls, then I see threads like this where lots of people will say: "It's perfectly simple: invite who you want (without any thought for anyone else's feelings)." If that's how parents teach their kids to think about their classmates, I'm not surprised the kids end up bitchy.

merlehaggard Sat 04-Oct-14 08:17:16

I totally agree claraschu

buffersandbumpers Sun 05-Oct-14 08:15:44

Clara thank you and I think you're spot on. I discussed it with DD again yesterday and explained that excluding X would be very mean. There were full on tears - more upset tears than tantrum - but i think this is an important lesson for her. I will be supporting her and helping her deal with it, not just telling her 'to put up and shut up'. I feel for her terribly but the right thing isn't always the easiest thing.

AMumInScotland Mon 06-Oct-14 10:28:09

I think the difficulty comes from making it sound like she has a free choice, and then having your own set of 'requirements' that her choice has to satisfy.

If what you mean is "It wouldn't be kind to only invite some girls from a class, so that means we'll have the three girls from your class, now who else do you want to invite?" then it's better to put it that way from the start.

You can't say you're letting her choose then tell her she's wrong!

buffersandbumpers Wed 08-Oct-14 07:12:29

AMumInScotland - good point. DD has come round to inviting X and has freely chosen the other names. I've explained about it being mean to exclude one girl and I think she gets it. We don't have tears when it's mentioned now - phew!

Thumbwitch Wed 08-Oct-14 07:14:53

Good - but did you ever find out why she didn't want her there in the first place?

buffersandbumpers Thu 09-Oct-14 22:30:46

Thumbwitch it's just one of those 'friendships' that 5 year olds have. It can change on a weekly basis. Funnily enough today after school she was saying that X was being nice to her today whilst some other children weren't.

Thumbwitch Fri 10-Oct-14 07:05:52

Ah, ok. I was a bit worried for her that something had happened between them on the holiday that had made her reluctant to have her round.

KaelyLanglaise Tue 23-Dec-14 18:37:39

This may be an unpopular opinion... But I say you should let your daughter choose.

I realise it's different, but when I was about your daughter's age, my mom made me invite a girl who was bullying me to my party - because our moms were friends. I spent the entirety of my party in my room, crying and too scared to come out.

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