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Husband went too far.

(252 Posts)
mmp5 Mon 22-Sep-14 19:04:12

This will be long so sorry for the novel, but it was important to include as much as possible.
I have a three year old toddler who has a habit of drawing on walls in the house. We tried putting the writing utensils up high, throwing them out, telling her no, time outs, spankings. Nothing works. She either finds one in my purse or our backpacks and hides it in her room, or she just doesn't listen at all when she is punished.
My husband and I are both in college full-time and so it is easy to not pay attention to her the entire time because we might both be studying, or he will have his headphones on listening to music, or I will be washing dishes. We have had this issue multiple times and I myself just don't understand why she doesn't get the picture yet that every time she draws on the walls she gets in trouble. She is undeniably defiant.
My husband has an anxiety disorder and is also very stubborn. His parents are in their late 50s and did all kinds of punishment from whipping to sticks to belts. He has anger issues as well and seriously needs anger management. I was spanked as well as a child with wooden spoons and belts. My parents never left bruises on me or made me bleed and I grew up to be really respectful. People tell me all the time how helpful I am and even compliment me on how I taught my daughter manners, saying "please" and "thank you". I have never been okay with him spanking my daughter and we have been in many arguments about it because I tell him we need to help each other by being consistent and punishing her the same way, but he is so stubborn he will not consider not spanking her and has the "my way or highway" attitude. He literally does not give a crap how I feel about punishing out child, and he tells me it is my fault she doesn't listen because I will not get on board with the spanking bandwagon. He says I cause the inconsistency.
I wouldn't have an issue with spanking if my husband wouldn't be so horrible about it. He literally tells me that to get kids to listen you have to instill fear into them or they will walk all over you. If she smacks the back of his head - even playfully - while he is playing games, he will smack the back of hers to tell her its not okay and he doesn't like it just like she doesn't like it. If he goes in for a spanking and she covers her butt with her hands, he will spank her hands until she moves them and then will spank her butt.
For the record, I AM NOT okay with this at all!
A lot of our marriage troubles coincide with our disagreements on punishment. I think his "put fear into them" attitude is ridiculous and only makes my daughter act out more. I have told him time and time again how I feel about it all and he never listens to me. I love my husband, but his lack of respect for my opinions and what he is "instilling" into my daughter has left me with thoughts of divorce. (We have many other issues that have brought me to these thoughts as well that I will not bring up for lack of space and because I don't think anyone wants to listen for that long. So it is not just the spanking bothering me. It is the fact that my husband seems to be getting progressively more abusive/angry.)

So the other day my daughter had spilled chocolate milk purposely on the floor and then proceeded to back talk my husband saying things like "no" and such. So he went in and spanked her butt three times. Once on the hands and then twice on her bare butt. I was angry as well because I had told her not to spill the milk and then she decided to just pour it right on the floor in front of me. I was in the middle of an online exam with a time limit so I didn't really focus on my husband spanking my daughter and I didn't get angry about it because the day was already high strung with her bad behavior. A short while after that my daughter snuck a permanent sharpie out of my backpack and went into her room and proceeded to draw all over her dresser. I was finishing up my exam and my husband was playing computer games so we did not know until she came out with sharpie on her skin.
My husband was so angry - I was too because of how many times we have told her not to write on things - and he stormed off into her room to spank her. I got up at this point because his anger was so strong I had an uneasiness in my stomach. He was trying to instill fear into her by shaking like he was angry and gritting his teeth. He grabbed her to spank her and she blocked him with her hands so he spanked her hands and then spanked her butt really hard three times. I'm not sure how hard he spanked her the first time because I was not watching, but this time I was and her butt was so red from top to bottom and he had caused two welts that bled a little. This was with his bare hands and her bare butt. She was crying so hard and didn't even want to be near him. I was furious when I saw her butt and told my husband he went too far.
He told me that hopefully the pain would be a reminder not to write on things again, and that if she didn't listen after that it would be my fault for acting angry about it in front of her. I then took her and coated her butt with butt cream because it was so red I was afraid she would blister or something. She couldn't even sit it hurt so much. My husband was furious with me for being angry with him and started shouting and causing a fight. I told him he underestimates his own strength and that he hit her harder than what he said. He then proceeded to spank himself in front of my daughter all the while acting completely angry and yelling "See! See! It doesn't hurt." (I am being completely serious here.) She of course started freaking out and crying and tried hiding in the couch because she thought he was going to spank her again. Her reaction terrified me.
He calmed down and proceeded to ignore me, and then I put her to bed after she fell asleep on me. When I came back out I was still angry and told him that if he left a mark I would be even more furious with him. He showed no signs that he felt sorry.
The next day I had work and during this time she had gotten into the chocolate syrup and got it all over her room. I was gone so I'm not sure what all happened with this incident, but he had taken my daughter to his moms. His mom told me he showed up crying because when he had changed her diaper he saw that her red butt from the night before had turned into bruises. She said he felt very sorry about it and had cried.
I didn't get to see her until the next day because I let her spend the night at her grandparents house so she wouldn't be around my husband since I had to work that following day.
When I did see her, the redness had gone away, but she had small bruises all over one of her butt cheeks. The other side showed the two welts that were healed. So after 24 hours she still had bruises, which means he hit her hard enough to cause more harm and damage.
When I discussed it with him, I told him we could no longer do spanking and that we needed to reevaluate our parenting. He told me that he was still going to do spanking, but not for awhile (?) and that he would just have to be more careful. He thinks this was a spanking gone wrong. I'm not sure what to think.
I am set to leave him, but my family member who I confided in wants me to report him so if it ever happens again there will be evidence. In my state, the law says that if I don't report it yet someone finds out about it my daughter would be taken away from me and my husband and I would go to jail.
This is my predicament.
I love my husband so much and he is going to school to become a doctor. His parenting and anger is horrible, but I still love him. I would never want anything bad to happen to him. If I did report him he would possibly get a misdemeanor (since this is the first incident of him going too far and causing marks) and then he wouldn't be able to become a doctor with a misdemeanor. I don't want to stay with him, but I have no idea what to do, how to end it with him, etc etc.
I want to leave the marriage with no consequences (such as having to report him to keep my child, him getting a misdemeanor and going to jail, him not getting to become a doctor). I keep thinking I can just give him an ultimatum. Either stop spanking all together and go to anger management, or if he says no then me being forced to report him, which I of course don't want to do. I feel like I am in a tug of war between law and the possibility of him doing it again between him feeling horrible about it and me not wanting to hurt his future.
This may seem stupid to you guys, but I do really love my husband. I am wanting to leave him because he does not care about my feelings, he has become more aggressive since we have been married, and there are certain things I cannot forgive him for - such as cheating on me on his bachelor night that I didn't know about until four years into our marriage. I just have no idea how to leave the marriage unscathed. I am afraid to bring it up with him because he has made me feel like I am the reason the marriage is falling apart, and I don't know what his reaction will be like. My family friend is telling me to report him as well, and I don't know if I can do that. I DO NOT want my child to be hurt again, but whose to say he will ever do it again?? I feel like I would be putting a label on him that he might not deserve. I don't want to cause unreasonable damage if it is entirely possible he will never do it again. I am having a lot of trouble separating my love for him with the cold hard truth. I am so emotionally impaired due to this marriage that I don't even know what the right answers are which is why I brought the subject here.
My parents are too emotionally invested to give me honest opinions. They both despise my husband for what he has done in the past. My family friend telling me to report him has been in a spousal abuse position before with her ex-husband. So I don't know if she would be too emotionally invested due to her own experiences. Her children were never hurt by her ex. I also don't know if I am just being too stupid and making excuses for my husband. I am afraid of the impending consequences.
I keep imagining I can have a court-free divorce with no complications and that his crying was legit and he will never hurt my daughter again.

Honest answers and someone to set out the cold hard truth for me would be great. I feel like I am about to destroy my life and the life of my husband and am unable to step forward due to my feelings. I believe leaving marks with spanking is abuse and I intend to leave my husband, but I am not sure how serious to take this situation or how to end my marriage.

InfinitySeven Mon 22-Sep-14 19:08:32

You need to report him because he should never have unsupervised access to your daughter.

Read your post back. He hit her so hard that she got welts, and couldn't sit down. She is petrified of her father.

This is very serious. You seem to understand that, but you keep minimising it. Remember your daughters face when she thought she was going to get spanked again.

LittleBearPad Mon 22-Sep-14 19:09:31

Leave him and tell the police about what he's done. Your daughter is three and he's beaten her.

PetraArkanian Mon 22-Sep-14 19:10:30

What would you do if someone hit you hard enough to leave marks like that? You'd call the police and you would be right to do so. You cannot possibly keep your child in a situation where she is being hit so hard it breaks the skin...

Of course he was crying he's terrified of the consequences of what he's done... That's not the same as crying with remorse. You need to call the police and say all this otherwise you are complicit in any further a
Abuse. Then you need to get your child away from him.

OhMyArsingGodInABox Mon 22-Sep-14 19:11:11

Call the police.

Your post made me cry. Your poor baby girl.

TyrionRocks Mon 22-Sep-14 19:15:18

He is abusing her.

I was beaten till bleeding when a child... It was not good for me... You protect your child first and foremost... He may get his head straight at a later date with help but for now that is less important than watching your little child be beaten!

Poor little thing and poor you...

BitchPeas Mon 22-Sep-14 19:15:45

He hit your child hard enough to bruise. She is 3. Report him and leave him.

Also, your DD is clearly not getting enough supervision or attention when at home. That's why she is doing these things. She is an unsupervised 3 year old!!!

SevenZarkSeven Mon 22-Sep-14 19:16:04

Are you in the US?

SevenZarkSeven Mon 22-Sep-14 19:16:14

Are you in the US?

SevenZarkSeven Mon 22-Sep-14 19:16:19

Are you in the US?

SevenZarkSeven Mon 22-Sep-14 19:16:36

Not sure what happened there sorry

glenthebattleostrich Mon 22-Sep-14 19:18:03

Sweetheart, that was not a spanking it was a beating.

Your husband is abusing your little girl, that is why she is acting out. And frankly, if you are doing an exam why isn't he playing with and interacting with her? She acts out when you are distracted doing work, this is natural for a 3 year old.

Please report him, your child should not have to live in fear that a simple mistake will lead to daddy beating her so hard she can't sit down.

Preciousbane Mon 22-Sep-14 19:19:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakingaddict Mon 22-Sep-14 19:19:40

Your daughter acts up as a way to get attention off you both as you are both so distracted with other things but now it's time for you to be a better mother and protect her from your husband's abuse. You must get her away from him

cavkc Mon 22-Sep-14 19:20:59

Absolutely disgusting you must report him and leave him.

That said I do think you need to look at your own parenting. She's three for gods sake yet you expect her to be nice and quiet and play nice because you are both studying! She is obviously crying out for attention and you wonder 'why she doesn't get it when she's been in trouble for doing the same thing' .. Maybe because it's the only way to get your attention!

Murdermysteryreader Mon 22-Sep-14 19:21:31

It seems clear that she is drawing etc to get attention. Also regardless of your studies someone should have an eye on her and then this would not happen. I think you need to put your child first and spend more time with her. This is not a sexist remark your partner has hurt her and should not be left alone with her.

cruikshank Mon 22-Sep-14 19:21:37

I agree that you need to call the police. This isn't just chastisement - it's assault. He broke her skin, he left bruising - he injured her, in short. When you leave (not 'if'), you have to make sure that all of his contact with her is supervised, and the only way to do that is to call the police and let them have evidence. I wish it could be simpler, but his actions have precluded that, and while it will make things messy, you have to protect your daughter - she is your number one priority, not him. I wouldn't want a doctor who beat his daughter up and terrified her to treat me anyway, so it's no great loss to society if he doesn't qualify. Find somewhere to go, tell the police, and leave. You cannot have your child, who relies on you for welfare, upbringing and protection, to remain in this situation.

Phineyj Mon 22-Sep-14 19:21:55

Yes you have to do something and his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Even if he's not working with children in his career he will be working with vulnerable people. Not being able to keep his temper under provocation is not good.

I will say, however, that it sounds like your DD is trying very hard to get your attention because you are both 'elsewhere' while you are with her. I sympathise very much about the pressures of trying to study, but I do not think you can do it simultaneously with caring for a lively 3 year old.

TheRealNightsWatch Mon 22-Sep-14 19:23:10

I'm sorry but this is horrendous to read! Your poor wee girl.

She is scared of her own father and has been physically assaulted by him and you are basically telling her by your lack of action that it is ok.

I think it sounds like you are both way too distracted by your studies to know what she is doing in the house and ends up getting in trouble because she has found a pen or spilt milk. it sounds like she wants your attention!

Please protect your daughter from this man. That's your most important job as a mother.

Castlemilk Mon 22-Sep-14 19:23:19

If you do not do something about this, you will BOTH lose your daughter, because she will end up removed from your abusive home.

Yes leave him.

Take pictures of your daughter's injuries from her BEATING.

Report the abuse to the police - this will help ensure that when you split, he will have only supervised contact.

If you do not do this, it is only a matter of time before your daughter is either removed from you at the hospital, after the next 'spanking that goes wrong', or she will be taken at nursery or school when her pattern of injuries is noted.

Your H is an abusive, twisted bastard and you need to leave him NOW.

PatriciaHolm Mon 22-Sep-14 19:23:20

You need to report him. He will carry on hurting her otherwise - and you won't be there to help.

You also need to review how you care for her. Several times you have referred to both parents being busy - exams, games, headphones, washing up - and she's essentially being ignored, so this is clearly a common occurrence. No wonder she is "being defiant" - how else can she get your attention?

This child needs to have lots and lots of reassurance that you love her, that Daddy won't hurt her again, and that you have time for her. At the moment she'll do anything - even risk a beating - for attention, the poor poor child.

ShabbyCheek Mon 22-Sep-14 19:24:22

Your dd is 3 years old. Whether you tell the authorities or not is immaterial: she will tell someone.

She will remember it and she may well tell someone any time over the whole of her school career.

If he continues in his determination to carry on hitting her she is even more likely to tell.

Whenever and however: she.will.tell.

How can he have hit her with his bare hand in such a way as to draw blood? He must have hit her with something else.

I can't believe someone intelligent enough to be a doctor, in this day and age, has the mentailty to be conciously determined to beat a small child.

It's horrible.

How can you actually say you love someone who has so little respect for you and is prepared to treat a small child like that? It's chilling.

Leave him, take her to safety and (she will need to learn this slowly, because all she knows at present is that both her parents will hit her, and that her Mum stands by while her Dad hits her in an extreme manner) let her regain her trust and learn how to respond to positive affirmation instead of terrifying punishment.

Letthemtalk Mon 22-Sep-14 19:25:08

Your poor daughter. Your job is to protect her, or to hand her over to someone who can.

VillyCazalet Mon 22-Sep-14 19:25:11

Oh my god. That's awful. Police. He's broken the law and if you don't take steps to protect your daughter you could lose her.

I'm Sorry, no practical advice. Please get this moved to relationships where you can get the help you and your dd desperately need. That is such a disturbing read.

Fairylea Mon 22-Sep-14 19:25:15

How can you stand to be with a man like this? He is a vile child abuser.

You and your 3 year old deserve better.

To be honest I also think a lot of her behaviour is coming from a need for attention - if you are both students and one of you is studying and the other has their headphones in listening to music (as per your post) who is looking after her? No wonder she is getting bored and drawing on the walls and causing chaos. I don't think you can leave a 3 year old to their own devices.

If you are in the UK please ring womens aid and make an escape plan.

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