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Should I have expected an apology?

(3 Posts)
skolastica Sat 02-Aug-14 09:15:36

This happened at the end of November last year. I've only recently begun to get angry...

I live alone and in quite an isolated place. One dark winters evening towards the end of last year, there was a knock at the door and my nearest neighbour entered the house. Male neighbour. Drunk.

This is the sort of place where you don't turn people away, even though he was drunk, I've known him for over twenty years and our sons are best friends. I made him a cup of tea and sat him by the fire and we chatted.

Then it started - can I stay the night? Can I have sex with you? Can I touch your leg? What would you do if I touched your leg? Can I sleep in your bed? Just a cuddle? Fiddling with his crotch and saying 'well there doesn't seem to be much going on there anyway'.

Finally, after what seemed like a hundred 'no's' on my part, he said, 'oh, I know what it is, you're frigid, that's it, you're frigid.' To shut him up, I agreed. He was drunk and I was aware that most of it was drunk talk and also that he was having problems in his exisiting relationship to the point where they were almost splitting up.

After he left. I felt a bit violated and contaminated - not massively, just as though my space had been thoughtlessly invaded and it's very precious space at the moment because I'm not long out of a relationship and really didn't want any nonsense from men. Staying at home by the fire should be a way of stopping that, wouldn't you think?

Now here's the tricky bit - where I don't know what to do.

I expected an apology - even if he didn't remember half of what he said, an apology for invading my space and behaving inappropriately.

Nothing, zero, zilch. No apology.

I haven't seen him very much, paths just crossing at parties and other social gatherings. The wobbly relationship with his partner has been rekindled.

I feel yuk. I've talked about it with a couple of people who understand that I feel disrespected and used, but haven't been very helpful about what to do about it. I'm deliberately avoiding him because I don't want to have a conversation with him, which makes my social life slightly more difficult. For example, there's a party this evening for his girlfriends birthday. I have to go - but I'm dreading it.

Do I tell him how angry I am? Do I just start talking about it to anyone and everyone? Do I let it go? What would you do?

Inkspellme Sat 02-Aug-14 10:11:27

Do you have a "friendly" enough relationship with him to talk to him about it? It was a very inappropriate and intimidating thing for him to do but maybe he thinks that it was excused as he was drunk? He's wrong if he thinks that. He should apologise.

If you could talk to him maybe say something like "I don't know whether you realise how unacceptable your behaviour was that night. I know you were drunk but that doesn't excuse it." and see if that prompts an apology. If it doesn't I would then say " I would appreciate an apology".

I think you are not unreasonable in looking for this.

skolastica Sat 02-Aug-14 13:15:43

Thank you Inkspellme. I've seen him a few times in the past few months, usually in someone else's house, or at a party, where it has seemed inappropriate to bring it up, so I haven't. Now, after close to 9 months seems a bit silly to be getting upset...

The wording that you have given is very helpful - I get so self conscious that am likely to accidentally stumble into aggressive.

Overall, I'd rather not have anything to do with him at all, but being my nearest neighbour, I don't have much choice.

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