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Ex DP attending my friends wedding in two weeks :-(

(6 Posts)
fishchipsandmayonnaise Tue 08-Jul-14 20:42:18

Name changed as don't want to out myself!

My friend is getting married in two weeks, and I have found out that my horrible ex dp is going to be there. I haven't seen him in over six years, and we have both moved on (both now married), but I am terrified.

He really wasn't very nice to me at all (understatement!), and our relationship didn't end well at all. He is very hot tempered and frequently aggressive, and I am really worried that either he or his new wife will cause a scene.

I guess he could have changed a lot in 6 years, but what if he hasn't? I am thinking that maybe I should send him a message and see how the land lies? Would this be a bad idea? I just thought that maybe if I could offer some sort of olive branch, then it may diffuse any possible issues? At least if I send him a message and it goes down badly then I can excuse myself from the wedding somehow?

What would you do?

Trills Tue 08-Jul-14 20:45:32


The person getting married presumably
1 - knows him better than you do if you haven't seen him in six years
2 - thinks that he won't cause a scene

If he causes a scene, then he causes a scene.

You won't cause a scene.

So it's not your problem.

Also - consider why you are "terrified" - seems a bit of a strong reaction to being in a large group social situation where you probably won't even need to speak to him.

makingdoo Tue 08-Jul-14 20:51:14

Sorry you are in this position.

I wouldn't contact him. I'd go to the wedding and be the most fabulous version of myself possible and stay away from him. If I met him face on if smile politely and say hello but not engage in conversation.

I was in a very similar situation a few years ago when I was bridesmaid for a friend. I did the above and had a great time. He and his DW got hammered and fought openly in front of everyone. His DW fell over in the foyer and gave me dogs abuse for stopping to help her off the floor (there was no one else willing to scrape her up). They came off really badly while I continued to enjoy my friends wedding.

fishchipsandmayonnaise Tue 08-Jul-14 21:17:59

I am terrified because I know what he used to be like and that is my only recollection of him, and based on that, I should be terrified! Especially in a situation where there is alcohol, he can't handle his drink at all.

If he causes a scene then it is likely to involve me in some way, regardless of whether I respond or not. The groom has seen him 3 times in 6 years, and the bride not at all since we broke up, so I can't help but worry that they don't really know what they are letting themselves in for.

I am probably irrationally worried about the whole thing, but I spent a bad few years of my life controlled by this man, and when it ended I was hopeful that i'd never have to see him again, and now I do.

making- That sounds brilliant! Well done you! I really hope I can deal with the situation as well as that!

makingdoo Wed 09-Jul-14 00:19:45

I can totally understand why you are terrified. I'm sure you don't want a scene at your friends wedding.

Just remember that you are a different person now. He may still be the same controlling bully and there's nothing you can do about that - there isn't any point in worrying about the things you can't change or control.
Go with the view that you and your DP are there to enjoy a fab occasion with your friends. As a precaution have an quick exit plan so that you and your DP can leave if your ex does kick off. Don't get sucked into his drama.
He is your past and don't let him influence your present or future.


fishchipsandmayonnaise Wed 09-Jul-14 08:28:06

Thanks makingdoo- a quick exit plan sounds like a very good idea!

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