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Advice please... i want to leave my husband - 8 month old baby

(5 Posts)
roseypetal Mon 30-Jun-14 23:08:44


This is my first ever post on a forum so please bear with me if i don't use the right "lingo".

So my husband and I have been together for 6 years (married for 3 of them) and we have a 8 month old baby. Our relationship has always been very up and down but when I was pregnant our relationship was fantastic, I was so happy (and as far as I am aware so was he).

As soon as our baby was born my husband's behavior completely changed. He went from being very excited for the baby to arrive to claiming he was a shit dad, shouting and swearing in our babies face when the baby was crying, telling me he'd looked up adoption agencies... the list is endless. I knew this wasn't "normal" behaviour so made him go to the doctors when our baby was 6 weeks old. He walked out of his appointment with a prescription for anti depressants and having been told he has PND. I made him go back to the doctors and ask for counseling/therapy which he did get.

I think I was completely naive but I thought he would be better and this would all go away in a few months. It didn't.

Things just got worse and worse. I tried to be supportive and helpful but tbh I found this very hard to do as I couldn't "pat him on the back" and say all was going to be ok, when he was standing shouting at the baby saying that the baby wasn't worth the effort.

I then tried to be the logical one and tried to help him understand that babies do just cry sometimes (apparently our baby was naughty and needed to learn its wrong to cry).

I then got to the point of horrid wife, nothing he did was right and I damn well let him know it as I was sick of doing everything for baby on my own and having to spoon fed him how to do it as well. (FYI- he got so stressed with the baby in the night that I made him sleep in the spare room since baby was 1 month old and he has never helped in the night).

A few months back (after months of horrendous arguing) I went for a night out and husband confided in my mum that he wanted to kill himself. To cut a long story short, she rung the NHS, paramedics came and took him for a psychiatric evaluation, and they said he has depression and anxiety. He then went to stay with his parents for a few days, and he hasn't moved back in since (he is staying on a friends sofa). This was 3 months ago.

Now I am sure I sound like an awful wife who isn't being loving a supportive but I simply can't/ don't want to. To hear the man I loved say simply unforgivable things about our baby, its like the love died instantly. My problem is I think I want to leave and legally separate but at the same time I don't know what I actually think.

I loved him (before the baby), but I hate this man he is now.

I know he has been diagnosed with depression and so has not done any of this maliciously but to me it still doesn't change the fact that he has done this.

I feel things have gone too far. We hardly talk and when we do we argue. We are having counseling as a couple to try and be civil but it does not seem to be working.

We have a mortgage together, and I am very aware of the fact that if we seperate we have to sell the house and it bothers me that I worked so hard to get a mortgage yet now may not get one again. If we were renting I am 99.99% sure I'd move on and not look back.

I have horrid memories of my parents divorce and always swore I would never divorce if I had children.

In a nutshell, I am not sure if I am clinging on to the fairytale that could have been but is not going to happen now, OR if I am thinking oooh it would be exciting to move on and meet someone new OR I only want to stay with husband because I am scared of being alone and starting again and breaking up my babys family OR the simple fact that I still love him and want us to get through this.

Any help/advice/opinions will be very much appreciated.

Isabeller Mon 30-Jun-14 23:28:11

I'm sure wiser people will be along soon but in the meantime I couldn't read your story and not respond.

It sounds as if your H is very unwell. This doesn't mean his behaviour is acceptable but perhaps if he gets the right help he may recover eventually. Whatever happens with him, and it sounds like his family are taking care of him, it is absolutely right for you to put all your energy into making the best possible life for yourself with your lovely baby.

If you want to have your own counselling and decide that you might eventually be open to reconciliation that is your choice but you don't need to decide straight away. If you aren't certain about divorce you could get a legal separation to clarify things and just leave it like that until the situation becomes clearer on it's own.

I think I heard of a very loving couple where one of them sadly had a brain injury and a complete personality change becoming very aggressive and unpleasant. The other partner eventually left after a long time trying to be supportive. It sounds as if your lovely husband has vanished in a similar way, it's not your fault and you can't turn back time. I hope that doesn't sound too ridiculous a thing to say.

If you can I would suggest keeping it simple, focus on your and your baby's needs.

unrealhousewife Wed 02-Jul-14 12:58:46

Try contacting Gingerbread about financial and legal stuff.

They rarely do this stuff maliciously, the fact is that the actually do it. You have to protect yourself and your child by getting out safely.

But do seek professional advice. Good luck.

loopylady83 Sat 05-Jul-14 18:41:39

following this because im going through EXACTLY the same thing sad

HeyBungalowBill Sat 05-Jul-14 20:00:08

I completely understand that you feel you may not be able to forgive him even though he is unwell.
I couldn't stand to listen to the things he has said and the way he has shouted at your baby, it would leave doubts in my mind forever about safety around DS/DD.

I do hope that he gets better soon as he must be in a terrible place right now, I hope the way he feels is just temporary.

Do you have much real life support OP? I hope things are better soon for all of you it must be difficult for everyone involved

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