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Alcoholic mum and Dd's party

(16 Posts)
ACOA Fri 27-Jun-14 22:45:25

Hi everyone just looking for some opinions/advice really as am totally torn and a bit confused.

Mum is an alcoholic. Things have gotten worse over past year to extent she's drinking everyday pretty much all the time. We intervened again and with help had her off the drink for about 5 days. While she was sober I told her I was pregnant again with 2nd child so I really wanted her to make it this time and stay sober, not just for me but herself too. About 3 days ago she started drinking again.

It's my DDs (age 4) birthday party tomorrow. Mum has just phoned me up to ask details such as what time does it start etc. I asked her if she was planning to go, she z yes and I said it would probably be better for her not to go as has been drinking again. I could tell she was really upset by this and that hurts. I then said it's not that I don't want u there but since you've been drinking again I just think it's best u don't. She said well I wouldn't be drinking before the party but If u don't want me there that's fine.

Her alcoholism is really hurting me tbh and I have done absolutely everything i can to help her but it's just not worked out. Now I'm heartbroken and wondering if I have done the right thing.


HalfATankini Fri 27-Jun-14 22:48:38

I think you've definitely done the right thing.

RockinHippy Fri 27-Jun-14 22:50:18

Sorry to post & run when I can imagine how upset you must feel, but just wanted to say IMHO, you have absolutely done the right thing - first it's what's best girl your DD. & 2nd, maybe it's about time your DM saw some tough love & see that her continued drinking comes at a price - she misses out

Good luck, stay strong & don't back down xx

martini Fri 27-Jun-14 22:51:37

You have dine the right thing. She is the only person who can deal with her alcoholism and she needs to see how much it is hurting those around her.

Maybe, just maybe, being excluded from family occasions will help her to see the light. But more importantly the party is all about DD - you don't want a drunk person in the background upsetting it.

Etah Fri 27-Jun-14 22:54:09

Asking her to stop will not work.

Have you ever tried Al_Anon?

They have a great online forum in case you can't do face to face meetings.
Their books are also really helpful.

Do you think she was lying when she said she wouldn't drink before the party?

Iammelting Fri 27-Jun-14 22:54:50

I can understand your point completely ... however ... would you feel better compromising that if your Mum doesn't drink before/at the party she is welcome?

Is she an honest alcoholic? ( Most hardened alcoholics I've met are 'honest' about it) if so this could help her take tiny steps to sobriety.

If she is still in the denial phase then you've done absolutely the right thing - if you can't trust her to turn up sober & to act appropriately then her Grand daughters party is NOT the place for her to act the doting Grandma.
You know your Mum best and if you felt this was a good decision at the time then it probably was, the shame/guilt is something you can address through counselling ( family/friends or professionals)

I hope you and your daughter enjoy a lovely party thanks

AdoraBell Fri 27-Jun-14 22:57:56

Definitely the right thing. You have to put your DCs first.

WaffleWiffle Fri 27-Jun-14 22:59:13

Big hugs.

Been there with my brother though. You did the right thing.

You must remember that she is a child protection risk when drunk and her being with children (including yours) is unacceptable unless sober.

Experience taught me to be very descriptive about what 'sober' meant (we defined as 'not drank any alcohol today and also not drank any alcohol yesterday').

As you'll know, alcoholics lie constantly about their drinking. When needing to protect your child, defining and reminding constantly that he is only welcome when sober helped a lot.

Floggingmolly Fri 27-Jun-14 23:02:34

I'll bet she was really upset. Tough. As the daughter of an alcoholic father; you've done absolutely the right thing, don't waver.

Mintyy Fri 27-Jun-14 23:04:53

Poor you, op flowers - this is so totally horrible for you.

But, you are quite right, of course you don't want your dmum there if you cannot trust her not to drink/be drunk for this lovely event. Of course you have made the right decision.

I also think it would be great (although not at all easy) if you could put a huge amount of space between yourself and your mother. Having a close relationship with an alcoholic is just simply not good for you.

ACOA Sat 28-Jun-14 01:19:54

Thanks so much for all your replies.

Etah, I have tried the local one but found it really unwelcoming as if they were a closed group not open to accepting new member which wasn't what I was expecting at all. Will look into the online forums as would def be good to get some support. Dp tries his best to listen but really doesn't understand/can't see things from my perspective very well.

Tbh I don't think she would have drank before the party, but I know she's been drinking today and it prob woulda been the only thing on her mind throughout the party anyway which makes her distant and snappy so I guess it's for the best she doesn't go.

Dsis just told me mum had been talking to her brother and making it out as if I was just being horrible not wanting her to come sad. The whole thing is just so heartbreaking watching her do this to herself over and over. I guess I've gotta accept I don't have my mum anymore.

Thanks again for your responses, I really appreciate it.

Etah Sat 28-Jun-14 07:11:19

Her life her choices.
You do what is best for yours.
Take care.

Cyclebump Sat 28-Jun-14 07:16:42

Ultimatums and promises do not work with alcoholics. It's your DD's party and your mum could ruin it for her, you and herself. She wouldn't mean to, but she would.

You have done the right thing.

You can do something with her in a more controlled setting for DD's birthday.

Cyclebump Sat 28-Jun-14 07:19:38

Oh and don't get drawn into sibling arguments about it. You have to make decisions that are about you, no one else.

My family member is sober now but I shudder at the memories of events ruined and nights crying about it all.

You have my sympathy.

doziedoozie Sat 28-Jun-14 07:36:12

Can you trust an alcoholic who assures you they won't drink to not drink?

Well, no, because they are an alcoholic, I agree with Cyclebump's views.

tribpot Sat 28-Jun-14 07:49:32

You simply and calmly say to your mum and to your wider family 'mum is an alcoholic and I choose not to risk that disrupting my social events'. Addiction thrives on secrecy - don't keep this a secret within close friends and family.

She can boo hoo off to her brother about it, and no doubt this will become the latest reason TO drink but hopefully you know the three Cs:

- you did not cause this
- you cannot control it
- you cannot cure it.

Your only choice now is to detach. It sounds like she probably needs residential treatment if she is ever to have a chance at becoming sober, but there's nothing you can do to make that happen. In the meantime you have to manage your life as free from the addiction as possible.

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