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Difficult...advice please re inappropriate touching

(38 Posts)
Trebuchet Wed 14-May-14 20:55:56 son 7 is good friends with another boy on our street who is 9. I really like this kid, and I also feel sorry for him. Without wanting to drip feed I won't type for hours but mum and dad rarely around, he is often just wandering round the street til 10 pm whatever the weather usually knocks on our door to see if he can come in. Very often he is left in the care of his teenage brother. This has been the case since he was 2 or 3. He's a lovely kid.

Maybe 10 times a month he comes in after school, they play, I feed him. At 7 I have to say ok time to go home. At least half the time there's nobody in when I try to take him home, so we have to try again half hour later when usually a teenage brother answers and lets him in. Whenever I see the mum she ignores me unless she wants something- not specially bothered just giving background.

So yesterday ds said " oh can "john" come and play later?"
Me "if there's time after swimming"
Ds" when we go upstairs to play he usually likes to touch my willy and my bum a bit and then we can play "
I was really calm and just said, oh that's very silly isn't it. Darling you know your willy and your bum are really private and nobody's allowed to touch them. If anyone tries to do that again you must tell them No and shout for me, ok? He agreed quite happy and that was it.

I felt sick sad DH first reaction was that kids never coming here again. I feel awful for ds, but also awful for the other child. I'm worried about him. Not sure if it's exploratory, is he a bit old for that sort of play? Or whether it could be that he's experiencing something more sinister himself.

Had a word with ds teacher as she's safeguarding person too. She says the school is aware of family, was reassuring and they'll do an assembly on appropriate touch etc, but feel like have I dealt with this ok? Have I been too casual with ds?? But just aware I don't want to make a massive deal.....?

Not judging anyone here, please don't flame me that I'm judging the parents, just would like feedback and reassurance??

Trebuchet Wed 14-May-14 21:07:09

Bumping hopefully

Universal Wed 14-May-14 21:15:32

Family first. Sadly I would suggest that you keep your children away and safe.
This might be silly games but the other information you posted would really make me feel uneasy.

Timetoask Wed 14-May-14 21:15:34

Well, I am sorry for that poor boy. I think I would contact social services about it, let them deal with it, buty priority is my family and that boy would not be allowed it house again.

Timetoask Wed 14-May-14 21:16:06

Sorry for typos!

Uptheanty Wed 14-May-14 21:18:38

As above.....
You seem lovely , but it shouldn't be at the expense of your own children.
Stop contact immediately.

Trebuchet Wed 14-May-14 21:21:50

Thanks for the responses. Feel sick. Will ds be ok? Should I discuss it with him further?

Smartiepants79 Wed 14-May-14 21:25:21

What if he came to play but not ever out of your sight?
I know that school can't really share with you any concerns they may have bit I really hope they are following the correct procedures. Did they say if any other agencies are involved?
That's a major red flag.
I would limit contact I think.

VashtaNerada Wed 14-May-14 21:26:08

I wouldn't stop contact, just don't leave them unsupervised. This is all really sad and you can't help but wonder if something terrible is happening to that poor little boy.

LemonBreeland Wed 14-May-14 21:28:45

I think your ds will be fine. I think keeping it casual was the best thing to do. From what you have said it doesn't sound like your ds is upset by what has happened, so there is no point in you making a big deal out of it and risking upsetting him. The only thing I would do is possibly in a few weeks revisit the nobody touches you on those parts of your body, just to make sure ithas sunk in.

I agree about contacting SS as it is a worry as to why this boy is behaving this way.

Smartiepants79 Wed 14-May-14 21:29:01

I think that as your DS seems so calm and happy to talk to you about it he will probably be fine.
You've dealt with it really well. Calm and sensible.
Just be open to him discussing it with you later if and when he becomes more aware that this is so inappropriate.

SavoyCabbage Wed 14-May-14 21:29:33

I think you handled it well with your ds. You said the right things and you didn't freak out. For want of a better phrase. Your ds told you in quite a matter of fact way and you responded in the same way.

I would constant SS too.

Perhaps you could ask your ds if he wants to talk about his friend and take the lead from him.

After a couple of weeks, you could talk to your ds again about his body etc. but in a general way rather than what has happened. And tell him that he can always tell you anything.

Foodylicious Wed 14-May-14 21:33:50

I would go back to the school, check that the teachrr has spoken to someone senior and put in ssfeguarding referral for the other boy - it may be that she can't go into it with you due to confidentiality etc, but I would want to be sure that she is taking it further, social services etc.
I dont have any advice on discussing it with him further, maybe ask the teacher if she knows who you contact to talk about the best way to approach it with him.

MrsCurly Wed 14-May-14 21:38:12

Ditto what Foodylicious said. I think you have handled this amazingly well. If your son wants to talk more then talk but take your cues from him. If he is not upset don;t frighten him.

NigellasDealer Wed 14-May-14 21:39:30

my kids were friends with a boy like that and he tried to rape at least two girls at the age of 13

EverythingCounts Wed 14-May-14 21:39:45

Well, you can dial it up later but it's difficult to dial it down again, so while I don't have any experience I think your approach seems reasonable for now. I would ask the school for more advice though about dealing with the actual kids involved here beyond an assembly.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Wed 14-May-14 21:40:17

I'm shocked.

It's the "and then we can play" bit that has me thinking there's something sinister Trebuchet it sounds 'groomy' - like he's copying promises said to him and saying it in turn to your DS.

Agree with other posters to not stop contact but to supervise.

What an awful situation for you all sad

milkysmum Wed 14-May-14 21:41:21

I would say you responded in a good way to your ds but I would definitely either contact social services yourself or ask the school to as I think an initial assessment from social services on indicated

Tinykisses Wed 14-May-14 21:42:22

Id call SS, often children who are displaying innapropriate touching are themselves being abused. And i wouldnt be allowing him to visit again, if your son mentioned it it may because he knows its wrong and wants it to stop, you really need to remove him from what must be a confusing situation if he likes this child.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Wed 14-May-14 21:44:33

Given everything else you have said about his family situation I would absolutely contact social services.

BarbieCan Wed 14-May-14 21:45:21

please contact SS.

ToffeeMoon Wed 14-May-14 21:47:00

Is this your first post on MN?

itsbetterthanabox Wed 14-May-14 21:49:20

Children do touch and explore each other. But your son made it sound like he is just touched not Curious himself and 9 seems quite old to be doing this. Maybe speak to the boys parents and the school.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Wed 14-May-14 21:50:51

No the OP has been around for donkey's Toffeemoon

itiswhatitiswhatitis Wed 14-May-14 21:51:52

Which you could have easily found out by clicking on her name hmm

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