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Need some relationship advice. Adult content. What would you do?

(32 Posts)
VioLetsMum1 Tue 08-Apr-14 21:06:27

I met my boyfriend/ex (I have no idea what to call him at this point) last year on a dating website. He's great with my daughter and its great when all three of us are together, he's the perfect man. But then when we're on our own, we're like two strangers stuck in a room together. When we're out in public, just us two he finds it funny to humiliate me in front of others. He told me his ex wasn't too impressed by it either. He took me to Paris for Valentines Day but spent the entire weekend calling me frigid because I wouldn't 'suck him off' on the ferris wheel or have sex in public places in broad daylight with people and kids around. If we walked past someone he's start calling me slut or in a really loud voice and then when I got upset he'd just call me boring. He came round a few weeks ago and dumped me. Made up some stuff about moving away and not ready to settle down. In that time I got chatting to this guy. We never did anything in those few weeks just talked about stuff and found out we only live 5 mins away from each other. Sunday bf/ex tells me he needs to meet up and discuss a few things. When I get there he talks about how he made a mistake and wants to now build a future with his 'two favourite girls'. I said I had to think about it but told him to come the next night and we could discuss things. That evening, guy i've been chatting to turns up at the door with bottle of wine in hand and we hangout. Things ended up going further, somehow I don't even know what I was thinking. Logged onto fb later and discover bf/ex has put he's in a relationship with me. Then I get a text off him saying I know what you've been doing the past few hours and if your smart you'll know how I know. Apparently he'd been stalking me and been hidden outside my house for hours. He came round the next night and said he understood and just wanted to be apart of it. That we could start having an open relationship if thats what I wanted. I ended up having a breakdown and self harming. He wouldn't stop talking about other guys and trying to get me to say that I wanted to do stuff to them. He ended up taking me to the bedroom and I just led there and let it happen. He kept trying make me describe to him everything me and other man did and how I felt. I just wanted to punch him in the face. Then after he said you do realise now I can't trust you, I will have to start keeping my eye on you. I'm a bit of a stalker you know. He demanded my phone and read every single message on there, even the ones to family and friends. We went to sleep and he got on with it when the mood took him during the night. I just led there again. He left this morning and I texted and said I couldn't do this and I didn't want contacting me again or coming to the house. He said he might have to come in because he left DVD's there that he wanted back. I left them by the back door for him to pick up but when he came he wouldn't stop ringing the door bell and texting me talking about how hard he's trying and he just wants a perfect future with us, that we just need to talk about it and learn from it. Then he started talking about how bad of a mother I was just to go sleep with someone I wasn't in a relationship with. He accused me of sleeping with loads of other people and said I was just swapping him for a bunch of people that are just going to hurt me. He keeps talking about hard he's trying for us and he just made a few mistakes. Now i'm wavering as to let him back in or not. I made the excuse that I was going to have a nap and needed some time to think but now I don't know what to do. My instincts are telling me to get far away from this man as I possibly can but then he talks about how he just wants the best for us and my heart melts a little. My friends think he's a pyscho and I need to get out now. But i'm the one that slept with someone isn't it just my fault he's acting like this? Am I overreacting to a man who just wants to love us?

Coconutty Tue 08-Apr-14 21:10:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guineapigfriend Tue 08-Apr-14 21:11:37

He sounds completely unhinged. If you feel unsafe call the police

catwithflowers Tue 08-Apr-14 21:13:43

Are you completely bonkers? He sounds vile. Surely you must realise you and your child are worth more than this.

QueenMeerkat Tue 08-Apr-14 21:13:47

Don't let him in. He sounds crazy. You are putting your safety at risk, and that of your LO if you let him in.

glucose Tue 08-Apr-14 21:13:59

Agree with Last two posts. Have nothing more to do with him. Is there somewhere you can go for a few days?

RosegoldRuby Tue 08-Apr-14 21:14:02

Listen to your instincts, they're there for a reason. Have nothing more to do with him.
He absolutely doesn't "just want to love you". He sounds dangerous.

TheGirlFromIpanema Tue 08-Apr-14 21:14:44

He doesn't want to love you.

Run for the hills and never look back.

Also report the stalking thing to police, then they'll have a record should he do anything further.

Ugh, he sounds vile.

Maybe take some time out from relationships altogether and work on your own self esteem and sense of worth. Whatever you do yo should never see this creep again, and keep him far far away from your dc.

Abra1d Tue 08-Apr-14 21:15:53

FGS, why would you have anything more to do with him? Call the police if he starts threatening you again. Making you do humiliating things in public is awful.

Smartiepants79 Tue 08-Apr-14 21:16:05

This man sounds extremely dangerous.
Do everything you can you remove him for your and your daughters lives.
Letting him into your life is putting yourself and your child at risk.
If he comes round again and won't leave phone the police.
If I was you I'd get a new phone with a new number.
Change the locks on your doors.
Get rid of him.

VioLetsMum1 Tue 08-Apr-14 21:17:08

I have my baseball bat by the door and my bolts on but he said he was going to come back later after i've had a sleep and a think. Thank god DD is sleeping at her nans tonight.

JoyceDivision Tue 08-Apr-14 21:18:20

Iam really worried that you can't see how controlling and dangerous this man is, especially when you have typed out that post with so much worring info on it.

If your DD,in future years, met some one like this and described the above situation,what would you honestly think?

BuggedByJake Tue 08-Apr-14 21:20:32

How can you think this man 'just wants to love you'
He sounds very dangerous & controlling.
You need to think about your child too...keep away from him!

VioLetsMum1 Tue 08-Apr-14 21:22:13

I know its dangerous behavior and it creeped the hell out of me but then he'd be talking to me and make me doubt myself and think I was wrong. :/

MrsRuffdiamond Tue 08-Apr-14 21:23:35

Take a few minutes and read through your op again.

He's lewd, he humiliates you, uses you for sex, displays controlling behaviour, stalks you.....

Why are you wavering? Surely you know what you need to do?

usualsuspectt Tue 08-Apr-14 21:23:36

If he knocks on your door and won't leave. Call the police.

AgentProvocateur Tue 08-Apr-14 21:24:31

OP, you don't need a man at all costs. Man 1 sounds like he's seriously deranged and dangerous, then you let the other one in and slept with him the first time he appeared on your doorstep? He could have been anyone.

Your boundaries seem pretty fucked up if you're willing to let yourself be treated like that. Please work on your self esteem, for your own sake and that of your child.

Take care.

VioLetsMum1 Tue 08-Apr-14 21:29:27

It wasn't the first time I'd met him. We'd been talking for about 2 weeks. We met while I was out in our local shops. I know I have self esteem issues. My first boyfriend was a groomer and abusive now now this one is turning out to be the same.

Charlie97 Wed 09-Apr-14 07:32:15

Ok, I am hoping you are ok and that if he came round last night, that you managed to get rid of him or called the police.

You need to have very firm boundaries for this man, you need to text him, hat you want nothing more to do with him, then block him and do not respond to anything.

Any small amount of contact and he will wheedle his way back in.

He he comes to your home, call the police, if he comes back call them again.

He actually sounds very frightening, so you need to be really careful.

Please do update this morning though, so that we know all is well.


MissHobart Wed 09-Apr-14 13:34:50

Has no-one else pointed out that he RAPED you, twice?? shock

OP, please call the police, they are probably already aware of this man, he is very dangerous, get support irl, tell everyone even if you're embarrassed, people WILL help you get through this. Start keeping a record of EVERYTHING, including all the stuff that's happened previously, keep your doors locked and call 999 if he turns up.

I really hope you're ok and safe right now. Lots of hand holds and support from here. thanks

MissHobart Wed 09-Apr-14 13:36:16

Also tell the dating site, they need to get rid of him, he is trolling sites for women to abuse. thanks

VioLetsMum1 Wed 09-Apr-14 17:22:15

He sent texts this morning begging for me to give him a chance. Now he has sent an essay saying how he's accepted I don't want to give things a go but he's going to miss us so much and how he was going to be a father to DD etc.

MissHobart Wed 09-Apr-14 17:29:21

Be strong, he's manipulating you, you don't need him! there are plenty of brilliant men out there! xx

Madlizzy Wed 09-Apr-14 17:31:53

He's dangerous, and he has raped you. Sex without your absolute consent is rape, even if you didn't try and fight him off. Please don't let him back in. Change your number, change your locks, inform the police that he's stalking you, whatever it takes to get him away from you and your daughter. If he comes to your house, call the police.

VioLetsMum1 Wed 09-Apr-14 17:31:59

Should I just ignore it? I feel compelled to write back xx

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