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Caught in the middle and confused!!!!

(5 Posts)
narsh27 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:07:26

Hi I am new to this site and hope I am doing this right....So here's the deal...I have been with my now fiance and his now 16 year old daughter for almost 8 years...he has full custody of his daughter and her mother rarely sees her at all ( once a month at best) me and his daughter are very very close...she is even the maid of honor in our upcoming wedding...she recently decided to share with me that she lost her virginity to her recent boyfriend who I have never met and her Dad only met once....also she lied to me and her dad and said her mom never met the boyfriend yet, which now she confessed that her mother has allowed him to her house multiple times. A few months ago the daughter was wanting to spend more time than usual at her moms house and now I find out its because her mother allowed the boyfriend over and this is where the daughter lost her her mothers house!!!! The daughter is begging me to not tell her father and I'm so confused...I love the fact that we are so close and she can talk to me but my fiance needs to know that his ex wife is allowing their daughter to do things we would never allow her to do and her mother is keeping this all from us because the mother knows all of this....she just doesn't know that I also know now! What should I do????? Please help

DubBgoodToMe Fri 04-Apr-14 20:41:57

Could you simply say that you are concerned something more could happen because you have recently learnt the mother allows him to stop over? This could make your DP look a fool but more than likely it would help keep DsDS trust and it sounds like it's a time when you need to keep that

ihatethecold Fri 04-Apr-14 20:56:12

She is 16 though.
Surely it's important that she is having safe sex,
Why don't you have a chat with her about that side of it..
Personally I would tell her father.
I think it may come back to haunt you if you keep it a secret.

Linguini Sat 05-Apr-14 16:59:47

You can't stop 16yr olds having sex, she would have just found someplace else to go. At least (assumption here) the mother's house is a safe place to be.

Talk to DD about the importance of safe sex, tell your DP immediately what she has told you and how now you feel caught in the middle because DD asked u to keep it a secret.

DD will understand that u were concerned and it's only because u love her so much, you want to be able to do the best thing by her as a whole family, DP included.

FWIW I never told my mum I lost my virginity! She snooped around my room a whole lot when i was a teenager and found out that way, I was furious... So U r lucky your relationship with her is good that she tells u these things.

sykadelic Sat 05-Apr-14 20:51:54

As some else mentioned above, it would have happened elsewhere. It doesn't make it okay, but hopefully it will help you see it's not the exes fault, it's DSD who made the choice, and she will live with it.

I think you'd be better off talking to her about having sex and tell her that you HAVE to tell her dad, at the very least to get birth control. He doesn't need to know she lost it, but he needs to understand that the chance is there because she's getting older now.

I also think it's important that he know that the boyfriend is over at the exes house and they're left unsupervised. He and the ex need to talk rationally about how they're going to go forward (birth control is the only really safe option as supervision only goes so far).

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