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About nasty nasty MIL seeing DS?

(10 Posts)
justhayley Sat 01-Mar-14 23:15:42

I haves pretty crap relationship with my so to be MIL, she's a nasty lying vindictive sly person. We've tried to put our differences aside MANY times for the sake of my OH and then our DS when he came alone, but think Iv come to the end.

DP is in the military & home from Friday night - Sunday afternoon. When he's away I really don't feel comfortable spending time just me her and DS. She lies a lot & DP is always making excuses for her behaviour. After 9 years together I can't work out if he's brainwashed by her, embarrassed she can be so cruel or simply thinks her behaviour is normal.

Anyway yesterday she came over to see DS. DP hadn't been home for 2 weeks and within that time she hadn't seen DS. It wasn't because I had stopped it from happening, as we've actually been getting on fairly well the last few months. It was simply a case of when I was free she was busy & vise

Anyway long story short she decided to unleash 9 years of rage on me. I'm 5 months pregnant & I know I'm more sensitive feel more vulnerable & more emotional than normal, but by anyone's standards she was out of order. DP was there & she stood and told lie after lie about me keeping DS from her (I have a number of tx from me asking when she's
free over the last 2 weeks). She reduced me to tears & it was so bad when she left I was physically sick.

Firstly my question is how often do your children see their grandparents?

Also would I be out of order saying that I know longer what her to contact me to arrange contact with DS, & basically if DP is away it's pretty much tuff? (Knowing in April he'l be away for a month). Im not saying this is a forever agreement but at least while I'm pregnant. I had a MC in October & this pregnancy started off as twins and we lost one at 10 weeks. I feel really vulnerable around her at the moment & really cant handle to bullshit she brings to my life. Im usually fairly strong but feel broken and battered after yesterday.

Im also so hurt by DP as he didn't at any point tell her that it was enough, & didn't stand by me at all. Iv been question my entire relationship all day because of it. If he agreed with and believed everything she had to say he should have at least said, come on mum stop she's pregnant & getting too upset. Not asking him to turn against his mum but I expect him not to throw me to the lions & watch!

Sorry for long post, feeling so alone today & wanted to share & get opinions.

Hayley xx

justhayley Sat 01-Mar-14 23:20:15

Ps, apologies for all the spelling mistakes and rubbish grammar, I'm on my phone & guess I have big thumbs lol

Toomanyworriedsonhere Sat 01-Mar-14 23:31:51

Didn't want to read this and run - it sounds terrible and like you need some real support.
Someone wise will be along soon, I'm sure.

mannbookeriwish Sat 01-Mar-14 23:39:15

I'm so sorry to hear how both have treated you, one viciously and the other for standing by and saying nothing.

Don't assume that your dh doesn't love you though; he may be speechless at her behaviour and unable to challenge her. But that doesn't excuse him and you will need to discuss how to deal with her role in your lives.

I don't think that it is at all unreasonable to cut contact whilst he is away. She sounds incredibly stressful and unkind and hardly any kind of a good example for your DS.

Wishing you well.

TheFabulousIdiot Sat 01-Mar-14 23:42:23

I would have it out with him. I think that's a fight worth having tbh.

FiveExclamations Sat 01-Mar-14 23:53:59

What a horrible situation for you. I have been in a similar, but milder situation with my MIL, but thankfully my DP is supportive. We've developed a smile and nod technique that keeps her happy and our life peaceful most of the time, but we will both challenge her if she gets too outrageous. She has learnt, slowly, that she can tantrum as much as she likes, she won't have everything her own way.

I think in your situation I'd keep it simple, no explanations, no justifying myself "You were horrible to me and told lies about me to your son. We will speak again when you've apologised and when you are willing to behave reasonably towards me."

If your husband kicks up about it "She was horrible to me and lied to you about me, I don't need this when I'm pregnant. I'll speak to her again when she's apologised but only when she behaves reasonably."

Just keep repeating, don't embellish or get into debate.

I'm not saying the above is easy

As for your relationship with your DH, that's up to you, it took mine a while to get over his "must please mother at all costs" mindset but we wouldn't be together now if he hadn't.

Do you have any real life support?

Foodylicious Sun 02-Mar-14 00:11:25

she spoke to you like this in your own house?
what a bitch
tell your DH the facts when he returns and that things are going to change.NOW.
I am 6 months pg now with my first, so cant answer about how often grandparents visit, but I think it should be up to you and your DH TBH.
I appreciate that there is genetic and familial relationship between children and grandparents, and that in an ideal world multi-generation families could be really valuable....

However I absolutely do not buy into 'grandparents rights'

They are simply related, just as aunts and uncles are.

They should have no more influence over your or your dc's.

Stick to your guns, she her only with your DH, and even then only if you and dcs really want to.

TheABC Sun 02-Mar-14 08:09:35

This sounds awful. You need to disengage now and get DH onside. After that attack, I would actually cut contact-let your DH deal with her and all visit arrangements go through him. She has no right as a grandparent to how often she sees her grandchild and her rudeness in your home needs to have a consequence.

FWIW, DS sees his grandparents on an as and when basis - mainly as both sets live 200 miles away.

ems1910 Sun 02-Mar-14 15:17:28

Has your DH seen the texts? Did that not make him say anything to her then?

justhayley Sun 02-Mar-14 21:35:03

Thanks for all your replies really appreciate it.
I showed DP the texts & he's going to talk to her. We've been in similar situations with her before and he's always stood by me, think thats why I was so shocked when he didn't this time.

Iv decided to email her - not long and going into my feelings etc, just saying that iv decided all communication regarding her seeing DS must be arranged through DP not me and while I'm pregnant and not feeling very strong that when DP is away she will not be able to see DS.
Iv told DP and copied him into the email so she can't add a bunch of things I didn't say.

Have lots of RL support thank you - just wanted to get opinions from people not involved to get a balanced opinion.

Thanks again

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