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Teenage stepson touched me

(167 Posts)
Cherie67 Sun 16-Feb-14 08:47:00

Help! I was having a snooze on my parents in law sofa after a shopping trip and was awoken when felt somebody touching my breast. At first I thought it was my husband being playful but when I opened my eyes, I was shocked to see it's my 13 years old stepson. I was so shocked that I did not managed to react. This isnt the first time though, last year during our holiday, I felt him touched my breast and told him off but he said it was an accident. On both occasion I spoke to my husband about it. He said he was going to talk to his son. I dont feel comfortable being around him anymore. He visits us only on sundays and occasionally he is allowed long weekends with us if we visit my in laws here in the Cotswold. What should I do?

Bonsoir Sun 16-Feb-14 08:53:55

Do nothing. It is not unusual for teenaged boys to find their stepmothers sexually alluring. He'll get over it pretty quickly when he finds a GF of his own.

But make sure you do nothing that he could misconstrue.

HolidayArmadillo Sun 16-Feb-14 08:54:43

Really Bonsoir??? That's acceptable?

Bonsoir Sun 16-Feb-14 08:56:46

It is not "acceptable" but there is nothing unusual about it - it's nothing to be worried about and he doesn't deserve punishment.

TeWiSavesTheDay Sun 16-Feb-14 08:57:00

I would speak to your husband again and decide a plan between you.

It's not okay that he did that, and given that he has been told already age is no excuse!

HolidayArmadillo Sun 16-Feb-14 09:00:07

He's a 13 year old boy touching his stepmother in a sexual manner whilst she's asleep, it's assault and absolutely deserves punishing.

JeanSeberg Sun 16-Feb-14 09:01:39

Has his dad actually spoken to him or just said he will and not got round to it?

Greythorne Sun 16-Feb-14 09:02:01

There are two problems: one is that he is your stepson and the other is that he honks it is ok to touch women in a sexual way without consent.

I would be very worried. If he touches you like this, would he touch a girl in his class in the same way?

Definitely speak to his father and then both of you sit down with him and draw up some boundaries. If he does not understand why he cannot do this, he needs therapy.

Boys and men cannot walk around touching women sexually without consent.

Greythorne Sun 16-Feb-14 09:02:38

Honks?? Thinks

Bonsoir Sun 16-Feb-14 09:02:46

If you want to destroy family life and trust, call it assault and punish him.

If you want to help him in the transition from childhood to manhood that is puberty, show some understanding.

Greythorne Sun 16-Feb-14 09:04:17

But sending a signal that this is ok (and will be tolerated) is a very dangerous message for a your teen who may be confused about sexual boundaries.

Hawkmoth Sun 16-Feb-14 09:04:54


msrisotto Sun 16-Feb-14 09:07:49

It is assault though, I wouldn't call the police about it but I wouldn't pretend like it didn't happen either! He needs to be reprimanded otherwise he could escalate with you and or other women.

Bonsoir Sun 16-Feb-14 09:08:28

It's up to the stepmother to lay the boundaries down in the particular stepmother-stepson relationship (which does not extrapolate to the world at large). Don't overthink this - it's very well documented that teenage stepsons can have ambiguous feelings about their stepmothers who are sexually mature women living in their personal domestic space.

OP - do you have DC with your DSS's father? How much older are you than your DSS?

HolidayArmadillo Sun 16-Feb-14 09:08:38

Am I in a parallel universe?! What happens when the next woman or girl he inappropriately touches isn't so understanding and 'there there' about being touched up whilst she's asleep? He needs to be left in no doubt this is not an acceptable way to behave. Ever.

Back2Basics Sun 16-Feb-14 09:08:55

I agree with bonsior.

You can make this into a huge deal and destroy the relationship between him and his dad.

Or you can talk about it and be open. Set boundaries and explain that if he did that to a girl it could be sexual assault.

He's 13, I expect he's curious, awkward full of hormones and yes may think he fancies you.

LucyLasticBand Sun 16-Feb-14 09:09:37

oddly i agree with bonsoir.
it is a storm in a tea cup imo.

Back2Basics Sun 16-Feb-14 09:10:48

I also think you should have dealt with this openly the first time instead of asking his dad to have a word.

Lauratheexplora Sun 16-Feb-14 09:12:50

I completely disagree that it is 'normal' to touch a sleeping woman's breast. hmm. It maybe 'normal' for the boy to have fantasies but he needs to know not to act on his impulse because it is wrong FFs.

The boy is totally overstepping the line and it is important that his father and you had a serious conversation with him. This is a good time for the step-son to learn to respect women's boundaries. In fact if he does this again you need to explain to him that this is bang out of order. If you can empathize and convey and understanding of the (teenage) changes he is going through he might actually learn an important life lesson.

Greythorne Sun 16-Feb-14 09:12:54

I wouldn't be calling the police but I certainly would not advocate doing nothing as it says a young boy's sexual urges and attempts to explore sexuality should be accommodated by women even when those urges make the woman ill at ease.

That is not right.

It is not for women to ease boys into sexual maturity by denying their own right to bodily autonomy and the right to have a snooze on a sofa without being touched sexually.

TeWiSavesTheDay Sun 16-Feb-14 09:14:11

This thread is very odd.

Of course he might be confused and think he fancies her, but if that is how he behaves towards women he fancies that is a big issue! Of course it needs sorting.

Bonsoir Sun 16-Feb-14 09:15:56

Stop overthinking and going from the particular to the general. It's not relevant.

LucyLasticBand Sun 16-Feb-14 09:16:48

talk to him op.

Greythorne Sun 16-Feb-14 09:17:22

First time I have ever heard you say stop overthinking, Bonsoir!

I thought that's what mature, sentient people did.

It sounds like the boy in the OP is the one who needs to do more thinking.

HolidayArmadillo Sun 16-Feb-14 09:17:33

Or you can talk about it and be open. Set boundaries and explain that if he did that to a girl it could be sexual assault.

How is it different because it's his stepmum? Assault is assault is assault!

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