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very complicated situation -opinions please

(8 Posts)
jojoO12 Sun 09-Feb-14 15:15:19

Back in january last year I started sleeping with a guy from work, this lasted until around the end of February. I know that in December his ex girlfriend gave birth to his son who he saw every day. He kept telling me him and his ex were never going to get back together and all this bull. Anyway in april I found out by complete shock that I was pregnant by him. I had no idea on what to do. Thought about abortion but just didn't have the heart to do it. A week after finding out told the guy. He basically went mental and begged me to have an abortion then actually admited they were together! ! First time he had mentioned it! He then changed his number. Deleted his account so I couldn't contact him. Around 5 months later I got back in contact with him through his friend as I wanted to see how he still felt about this situation and he basically went mental saying he was still with his girlfriend blah blah. I then got into contact with him again when my daughter was 3 weeks old. He was fine with me by this point but still hadnt told his girlfriend! ! He said would see our daughter once he had told his girlfriend but continued to drag it out making up excuses on why he hadn't told her yet. I eventually got so stressed out about the situation that I messaged his sister and told her everything. His family are so disgusted with what he has done!! He has completely messed me and his girlfriend over! And my poor daughter is the victim in all this! I then get messages from his girlfriend saying I kept my daughter on purpose, I knew he had a family, ive ruined it and everything is mine and his fault! !! I really don't see how any of this is my fault...he is the one who lied. He is the one who went behind her back! He is the one who told me they would not get back together. But yet I apparently knew anyway and its my fault! ! Im selfish because I thought of my future and not hers and decided to keep my baby. Can someone please tell me that I am not in the wrong and it is this bloke that is to blame! She is also telling him he is never allowed to see me again and can only see his daughter in a contact centre? ! Arent contact centres for people with drug/abuse issues etc. I understand she is hurt but she is being bloody ridiculous! If she wants to stay with him then she cannot dictate to him how he sees his daughter? ! Im at a loss on what to do to be honest. I haven't heard from him at all since it has come out. Someone help please all I want is for my daughter to know her dad sad

Joules68 Sun 09-Feb-14 15:19:34

Does she know they will probably have to pay for the use of a contact centre? It's not being used for welfare issues so they can pay....

Morgause Sun 09-Feb-14 15:29:10

If he doesn't want to know his DD then you can't make him, sadly. He is allowing his GF to dictate the terms of contact because he wants to stay with her.

Cut your losses, he won't make a good father to any of his children.

wellcoveredsparerib Mon 10-Feb-14 10:08:26

I agree with morganuse. You cannot force this man to have a relationship with your dd. He made it clear from the beginning that he isn't interested and I am not sure why you want to chase him when that is his attitude. Concentrate on yourself and your dd, and make a claim through CSA for maintenance.

AuntieStella Mon 10-Feb-14 10:16:45

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but it's not complicated nor hugely unusual.

You had the misfortune to meet a liar and cheat. He was probably never truthful to you about his primary relationship (which continued and appears to come first). And by his actions,meh is unlikely to ever take up an adequate role as father to your DD.

He should however contribute financially.

LimitedEditionLady Tue 11-Feb-14 09:04:13

Im sorry for you and your daughter,no youre not to blame and neither is your daughter.
Id definately make sure you have maintenance in place so you have financial support from him even if he doesnt want to have contact.Id tell him once and for all that you arent interested in him but you would like him to be a father and just say however sad it is that if he wants to see her it comes from him and you wont chase him.Your daughter deserves better than be disappointed by him so if he wants to be a dad then he needs to make the effort.Hopefully his gf will realise that its not for you that you want him to see her its for your child.If he doesnt bother well you have your answer.He will live with that guilt and your daughter needs the love and time of people who will prioritise her and shes got mummy.I bet if you flipped this situation and it was you saying he couldnt see her theyd say that was your fault still.People like to wear rose tinted glasses and blame others instead of facing the truth.

LucyLasticBand Tue 11-Feb-14 09:08:30

i would cut your loses. you have a beautiful baby out of this. if he didn't have a girlfriend how would you feel about him, sounds like he wont have a girlfriend for much longer.

do you want him in your life?
doesn't sound like a prize catch tbh.

Kendodd Tue 11-Feb-14 09:13:44

I wouldn't try to get a relationship going between him and your daughter, do you really want him as her role model? I wouldn't put up barriers either though.

What I would do is focus all my efforts on getting him to pay maintenance, you should not have to pay all the financial price for this so that he can walk away without a care.

BTW I think his GF is nuts to stay with him.

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