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Do I have to invite the child my son is scared of?

(271 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Fireplaces Tue 07-Jan-14 19:34:23

Hi, hope you can help. DS will be 6 soon and is having a party at a local play barn centre.All autumn term, DS would come home and tell me almost every day about the behaviour of another boy in the class, let's call him Alex.

Alex's behaviour ranged from spitting at the teacher to just shouting out during reading time. But then became hurting other children eg pulling hair, hitting, pinching. The teacher said to me that Alex was volatile and that DS should take care when playing with him. At that stage DS was still happy to play with Alex.

Just before Christmas though, Alex came over to DS in the playground, pushed him over and then "pulled him along the ground til he cried". It was witnessed etc and put in the book etc.

My issue now is that DS wants to invite all 30 kids in his class to his party, but not Alex. He says it because he is afraid that Alex will hurt someone and spoil the party. He is also scared of Alex now.

I am very aware that you can't invite the whole class apart from one child, but what are my options? I am not worried about the 'tea' part as that's in a small room where I can keep an eye out, but the first hour is in a massive play barn is massive with lots of places that are hidden from immediate adult view eg high up tunnels, sensory room. And there will be one teenager plus me supervising.

Alex has not been diagnosed with any condition or special educational need. I am a bit at a loss of how to deal with it. If I tell DS we have to invite Alex, he won't want to have a party at all. Help!

Cat98 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:43:20

Hi crannster, it might be worth starting a separate thread as you'll probably get more replies.
Does your son say why he doesn't want to go? How old is he?
My ds sometimes says similar about his best friends but it turns out they had had a disagreement and the next day all is rosy again. If he really doesn't want to go though maybe suggest meeting at a park or soft play - neutral territory, and you and the other mother can be there and you can see what's going on/what the dynamics are between them,
Ultimately if she keeps asking and your son doesn't change his mind I'd probably be honest, but tactful!

crannster81 Mon 20-Jan-14 12:33:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

walterwhiteswife Sat 11-Jan-14 07:14:25

why invite the whole class? cant you just invite the friends he plays with? my ds is 8 next month and is having his best friend for dinner (not literally! he prefers pizza! !) the problem is with kids parties that it all becomes a who gives the best party competition! !! my ds has 30 in his class and some of them he barely plays with! ! and I agree with maryz at 6 they arent bad they are just kids!!

MadIsTheNewNormal Sat 11-Jan-14 04:47:00

Neither do I!

Unless it would mean splitting a couple when I am very fond of one of them.

But even then, if I disliked one of them strongly enough I just wouldn't invite either of them.

differentnameforthis Sat 11-Jan-14 01:13:18

People frequently invite people to events despite not particularly liking them, or even disliking them, because it's the right thing to do, differentnameforthis.

I don't invite people I don't like to my events,....

lljkk Thu 09-Jan-14 18:36:09

A playdate in a neutral place (like playground or swimming pool with child's own parents) would be a far better place to start.

DS is the "doesn't have special needs just a brat" boy in his yr. Whereas I was merely bullied for being me. So don't think I don't know what it is like to be socially excluded.

DS would much rather not be invited rather than only be invited because it's an all-the-class party. Had this 7 weeks ago.

Pigsmummy Thu 09-Jan-14 13:03:10

I wouldn't invite a boy that my child was scared of his party.

onwardsandsidewards Thu 09-Jan-14 12:48:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onwardsandsidewards Thu 09-Jan-14 12:37:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk Wed 08-Jan-14 21:36:31

Let's teach him, over time, not to hit. Let's teach him to be nice by being nice to him.

But is that OP's job to do at her son's birthday party?
I don't understand the derailment, but wrt OP's dilemma the solution is obvious.

BuntCadger Wed 08-Jan-14 19:26:30

droves I know you would probably ignore this but as ever an optimist too I hope w Pitton bit sinks in. I think it may be helpful for you to take time in RL to go through some of the anger you seem to be harbouring still and spend time working through the issues it seems to of left you with. that is send with the kindest of intentions x

BuntCadger Wed 08-Jan-14 19:23:04

《applauds》 well said kate

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 08-Jan-14 18:43:13

Evening everyone,

We'd just like to remind everyone of our Talk Guidelines. In particular, the bit about disablist posts.

As well as obvious abuse and pejorative language, we take a dim view of posts suggesting that it's wrong to implement measures that enable people with disabilities to live a full life, or which seem to say that service providers shouldn't make reasonable adjustments so that disabled people can use services. As well as being potentially disablist, we think that such posts don't fit with Mumsnet's basic philosophy of support and advice for all parents. If you see any posts that you think we need to take a look at on this basis, do please report them to us.

LittleThorinOakenshield Wed 08-Jan-14 18:40:26

Hee hee.

Droves Wed 08-Jan-14 18:40:20


Maryz Wed 08-Jan-14 18:37:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Droves Wed 08-Jan-14 18:35:46

No , but apparently you do .

Maryz Wed 08-Jan-14 18:28:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Droves Wed 08-Jan-14 18:24:36

Did I say I think your "getting at me " Maryz ?
I said we had a personality clash and a difference of opinion.
You are just another poster , its all just words on a screen . You dont like my opinions , thats ok you have your own.

I post what I think ... if you dont agree with me then you dont agree with me . If I dont agree with you , then I dont agree with you .

I do think perhaps your one of lifes optimists and see the good in most people ... im not . I tend to prepare for the worst .
I do not believe kindness can fix all problems ... I think some people do belive that . If that gives them comfort or hope then so be it . But neither do I think less of them for doing so ..

Ive actually said to many personal things on this thread and will ask for them to be deleted . These were only brought up to explain why i have the opinion i do

Feel free to also report anything ive said you dont like.

And I will try to avoid your threads and posts , but purely because this kind of derailment is actually unfair to the Op.

Maryz Wed 08-Jan-14 13:25:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon Wed 08-Jan-14 12:42:39

But I did not actually say excude only him.

Not explicitly, no but that is how it came across when you kept saying don't invite the vile, nasty, brattish bully without saying it would be better to, say, have only half the class.

Droves Wed 08-Jan-14 12:35:17

Maryz im sorry for your friends son , and both your friend and you too .

I think we would be better avoiding each other on here if possible .

Am not getting into a thread war with you . Perhaps your experencies are colouring your views also ? We have a difference of opinion . Its just a personality clash , not that your actively looking me out to argue. I see things as black and white .

I will avoid posting on threads your on in future .

I will avoid threads your on in future .

Droves Wed 08-Jan-14 12:09:59

But I did not actually say excude only him.

Reading the op I assumed it was include him have him or dont invite and have smaller number ?

Yes I said he was an odious brat , and that was too harsh . That does not mean I would every voice that opinion to the child , or infront of mine or even to another adult . But whether my thoughts are coloured by past experiences of what happened to my children , I dont know .

I still honestly wouldnt force my child to be in his company if I could avoid it .

Maryz Wed 08-Jan-14 12:05:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrianTheMole Wed 08-Jan-14 12:05:17

When I comes down to it ...we protect our own

Yes, we do that in a number of ways. And one way is giving them the skills to manage and get along with other people in the best way they can, even if they don't get along so well. This is what makes society work. It takes a village to raise a child, not just doctors and a multi disciplinary team. What you are talking about is not protecting, but shielding them from the problem without giving them the skills to cope with it.
I'm sorry about your dd, but I think its blinkering your views.

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