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Do I have to invite the child my son is scared of?

(271 Posts)

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Fireplaces Tue 07-Jan-14 19:34:23

Hi, hope you can help. DS will be 6 soon and is having a party at a local play barn centre.All autumn term, DS would come home and tell me almost every day about the behaviour of another boy in the class, let's call him Alex.

Alex's behaviour ranged from spitting at the teacher to just shouting out during reading time. But then became hurting other children eg pulling hair, hitting, pinching. The teacher said to me that Alex was volatile and that DS should take care when playing with him. At that stage DS was still happy to play with Alex.

Just before Christmas though, Alex came over to DS in the playground, pushed him over and then "pulled him along the ground til he cried". It was witnessed etc and put in the book etc.

My issue now is that DS wants to invite all 30 kids in his class to his party, but not Alex. He says it because he is afraid that Alex will hurt someone and spoil the party. He is also scared of Alex now.

I am very aware that you can't invite the whole class apart from one child, but what are my options? I am not worried about the 'tea' part as that's in a small room where I can keep an eye out, but the first hour is in a massive play barn is massive with lots of places that are hidden from immediate adult view eg high up tunnels, sensory room. And there will be one teenager plus me supervising.

Alex has not been diagnosed with any condition or special educational need. I am a bit at a loss of how to deal with it. If I tell DS we have to invite Alex, he won't want to have a party at all. Help!

MistressDeeCee Tue 07-Jan-14 20:28:52

OP its your son's party. He has the absolute right to enjoy his birthday without feeling anxious or fearful. I woulnt think twice about not inviting this boy. My DC would come 1st

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 07-Jan-14 20:29:46

Its your DS's party so let him do the guest list. If he wants to not invite somebody that hurts him thats perfectly acceptable.

Kewcumber Tue 07-Jan-14 20:30:20

It isn;t a good lesson to teach your son that its OK to leave one child out. You have no idea why he's like this (and it may just be that he's horrible but it may be that he is struggling with something at home) but he's still only 6 for gawd sake.

I don;t undertand why you think the option is 29 or none?

ExcuseTypos Tue 07-Jan-14 20:31:35

No do not leave this one child outsad it's really cruel to do that to a six year old.

If you don't want to invite him, and I can understand why, then only invite about 20 children.

Minnieisthedevilmouse Tue 07-Jan-14 20:32:55

Curious. Why or what made you think that two would be enough?

Kewcumber Tue 07-Jan-14 20:33:25

my DS has about 12 to a soft play party when he was 6 and he didn't have a "miserable" day. It was a financial issue in our case - there was no way I could have afforded 30. But its really not that big a drama just invite his best friends.

MistyB Tue 07-Jan-14 20:36:01

Repost this as a reverse in chat and see what your responses are:

My DS has been left out of all class party. He is a bit boisterous and has struggled to settle in to school. We have been working really closely with the school to help him improve his behaviour but I am gutted that he has been labelled as the class problem child and will be tarred with this brush for his entire school career.

PortofinoRevisited Tue 07-Jan-14 20:37:14

Dd has always had a max of 12, and that includes the 2 girls next door and anyone who invited HER in the last year. She is nearly 10 now and this policy has never caused any problem. Friends change year in year out.

TeenAndTween Tue 07-Jan-14 20:42:09

We had one party when we invited a 'troubled' child but said the parent had to stay. But we trusted the parent to properly supervise, and it wasn't in a large play barn either.

Get your DS to invite 15 from his class, plus a few friends from home.

JugglingIntoANewYear Tue 07-Jan-14 20:43:03

No, I think what your child wants to do re party planning is only ever an opener to the discussions (if that!)

I'd think the best solution here would be as others have said to limit the numbers to a much more manageable 15 to 20.

Then you can leave out several trouble makers / children DS hasn't really got to know - and cause less upset at the same time! wink

Ifcatshadthumbs Tue 07-Jan-14 20:44:11

My friend is a teacher and a similar situation happened recently. She politely explained that she wouldn't be able to hand out the invites on the parent's behalf and admits privately that it has massively lowered her opinion of that parent.

I don't think for a second you should feel obliged to invite him but I just couldn't invite all but one child regardless of the circumstance

JugglingIntoANewYear Tue 07-Jan-14 20:45:43

In my experience if you haven't got to know the parents yourself (even if briefly) then it's unlikely child will show up at a class birthday party anyway. We had a lot of non-responders/ no-shows over the years.
Better to invite children who are actually friends of yours/your child

Oblomov Tue 07-Jan-14 20:48:42

No. But you are mad to invite 30 anyway. Supervision?

InsanityandBeyond Tue 07-Jan-14 20:51:00

Speaking as the mother of a former 'problem child' and also as a parent who has held birthday parties inclusive of other 'problem children' as I know how it feels to have them left out - don't invite him. It's your son's treat not 'Alex's'. Your DS should know that HE is the important one here. FGS stop with the PC crap - your DS is SCARED of this boy hmm. He is not your problem.

Today I went to a soft play with DS3. There was another little boy there who for some reason latched onto him. I bought DS lunch and the little boy 'shared' it with him while the mother looked on indulgently hmm. I wanted her to get her DS his own lunch as did DS! The boy then pushed over 2 other DC and was constantly in DSs face, saying come one let's play when DS did not want to. He dragged him off a few times. I wanted to tell the mother to take her damn kid away but was too polite. I could kick myself now. What DS learnt from it that I am too much of a wuss to stand up for him angry.

WhoNickedMyName Tue 07-Jan-14 20:53:29

I think it's lousy to leave just one child out.

And there's no way your 6 year old is really good friends with all of the other 28 kids.

Invite all or half.

Cat98 Tue 07-Jan-14 20:53:33

Don't leave 1 child out. They're 6. It's horrid and unnecessary. Nothing to do with 'pc crap'- it's just mean.

Invite 20. Or have a different type of party with only a few children. But please don't leave out just one sad

AndHarry Tue 07-Jan-14 20:56:17

If you are truly set on inviting the whole class then please don't leave this boy out. He may well be a handful now but he's only six and has plenty of time to grow out of it. The hurt at being the only one left out would stay with him a lot longer I'd imagine. If I was his mum I'd be happy to stay and closely supervise him if you called me/put a note on the invite and explained.

InsanityandBeyond Tue 07-Jan-14 20:57:42

Honestly OP I do not see why should change your your party plans just because of this one child.

I would tell his mother that you cannot invite him due to his behaviour. Perhaps that will make them address it.

AndHarry Tue 07-Jan-14 20:59:26

I wouldn't invite 20 out of 30 either. Imagine being one of the 'univited' group sad All the class, half or fewer, all boys or all girls are the acceptable options generally IMO.

TheNightIsDark Tue 07-Jan-14 21:01:41

DS may be this child in a year or so. He is however about to undergo paediatric assessment but as I don't make a habit of broadcasting this to the other parents he will just be the naughty little left out shit.

lougle Tue 07-Jan-14 21:02:03

How would you feel if your DS was the child who was currently showing some behaviour difficulties?

How do you know that nothing has been diagnosed? Most parents/schools don't advertise it.

Droves Tue 07-Jan-14 21:04:34

Dont invite Alex .

Alex is a tiny bully . Why should acting ville towards your child entitle him to enjoy your childs party ?
If you did invite him , your child will have to suffer him . No escape from the bully even at his own party .

Its your childs feelings you should consider , not an odious bratts .

If Alexs parents question why he wasnt invited ... tell them its because he is a ville to your dc .

Mabey if theyd given him boundries , he wouldnt act like that .

And why is it ok to pander to bullies ? ? They hit and make other kids lives miserable ...stop rewarding them . There might be less bullys if everyone shunned that behaviour .

Maryz Tue 07-Jan-14 21:09:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moominleigh94 Tue 07-Jan-14 21:09:33

The whole point is, OP's son ISN'T the one with these difficulties. And she isn't saying this boy should be kicked out of school or locked up or anything unreasonable - she wants her own son to enjoy his own birthday party, which he won't do if this boy attends. Why should she sacrifice her son's happiness on his birthday, at a party she's paying for, for someone else's feelings?

JugglingIntoANewYear Tue 07-Jan-14 21:09:34

Well I wouldn't invite Alex, but that would mean I wouldn't be thinking of a whole class party - IMHO they are over-rated/rather un-manageable anyway, including organisation wise (eg. getting responses to your invitations)

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