Pregnant and no idea what to do(63 Posts)
I really cannot speak about this to anyone and cannot see a way out unless i do so i wanted to talk about it on here hoping to hear others views on my screwed up situation.
I have 2 children from a previous relationship , recently married my new partner - we have been together 2.5 years and he desperately wants a baby of his own.
the thing is, i know from my other 2 children that having a child with someone is a lifelong attachment to that person and i am lucky that the father of my first 2 children is a very kind, nice person and we deal with things very well. my current partner however is very posessive, has a nasty temper (never has he hit me but he gets angry quickly) and i have just found out i am 1-2 weeks pregnant with his child and all i can think is even though i love him dearly im not sure if i can cope with his negative behaviour for the next 20 years. When we first got together and when we fell in love, he was some what different - then after a year he gradually started getting worse, his mum has let him get away with him disrespecting her since he could talk and so he tends to behave a bit like a spoilt brat a lot of the time and i spend most of my weekends having a go at him for being rude or winding the kids up and making them cry - basically its like having a teenage boy around the house most of the time. stropping around if anything goes wrong - and god forbid anything breaks in the house its the end of the world. obviously this is mainly the bad side to him, and then there is the good side but im just not sure if its enough to keep us together. but then again im not sure if i could leave him either. I would be lost without him.
He doesnt know that im pregnant - i found out today. and hes told me all of the usual he'l do everything for me and look after the baby etc as ive alreayd been through this twice and tbh i didnt really want anymore children. i know that at the end of the day, as the mother, that i will be the one left to deal with the baby once hes decided hes had enough and storms off in a sulk. and then if we break up, i cant face having 3 children from 2 broken relationships so if i keep this baby i will have to make my relationship work.I just really dont know what to do.
i know none of you guys can make my decision for me, i just cant trust anyone to tell them incase i chose to terminate the pregnancy so i turned to mumsnet for advice!
Any advice would be welcome.
Why the hell did you marry him if he is a nasty piece of work who you don't want to be tied to for 20 years - are you mad?
If that is how you feel about him then have an abortion and divorce him.
You are recently married and this is what you think of your husband? Why on earth did you marry him? You already think you can't make the relationship work long term.
I think the stress of a new baby very rarely fixes a dodgy relationship, it puts a strain on even the strongest partnership.
So you made a stupid decision to marry this man and now you are going to have an abortion because you don't want to see him for the next 18 plus years. Tough , if he is abusive get a divorce and raise the child yourself and live with the consequences of any contact.
I think you need to assess your marriage.
Are you hoping you can make it work? Have you talked to him about your issues?
It certainly doesn't sounds as though you want to keep this baby, so you need to think about making arrangements there. Have you seen your GP yet? It's still very, very early so you have plenty of time.
He needs to work on the things that are bothering you, but he can't do this unless you talk to him about them.
to be honest. i feel a little trapped in the relationship, if i chose to leave him say tonight he would literally take my car keys away and refuse to let me leave. if i did manage to leave without him knowing while he was at work for example he would probably smash the house up and sit outside my work the next day refusing to leave until i spoke to him. for this reason, i feel like i cant even think about leaving, or think if i want to leave or stay. I love him, but i just dont think he will ever change. He has been saying he will for the last 6 months but nothing has changed. He wouldnt ever be physically violent to me but i am scared of his reaction to simple things - obviously i want a positive environment for the children so i refuse to let him be negative or lose his patience infront of them, which he can do just cos hes banged his toe or dropped something. i guess i just always feel like im walking on egg shells incase he flips out for nothing
Thanks Juno, i have spoken to him - pretty much every day i do, but he brushes it under the carpet and says sorry thinking that makes everything better. Just picture a teenager - thats how he bahaves when anything goes wrong in life. I just dont know what to do, if i picture life without him its empty, but if he doesnt change i just dont think i can deal with this forever. My mum met a similar man, her second marriage, had her 3rd baby (me) and put up with him for 18 years, now shes alone and has been for 15 years now. i really dont want my life to be like that and i supose this is whats making me analyse every single thing in our marriage now.
He wouldnt ever be physically violent to me
You don't know this for sure. He already treats you like he owns you (taking your car keys away - WTF??), and takes no trouble to control his temper.
You have children, you must put them first. What is going to happen when one of them does something that he doesn't like do you think? Will he sit down calmly with them and talk it through or will he lose his temper and shout, slam doors, throw things, hit them?
If you are on eggshells how must your DCs feel?
You have been very stupid, but it is not too late to get this horrid person out of your life and out of your children's lives.
You need to get out of this relationship. He is abusing you and bullying your children.
Keeping the baby is a separate matter, but this relationship is no good for any.
Call women's aid. Please. Just get yourself and your children away. If he's like this already things will only get worse.
And according to you he has been physically abusive to you. Stop lying.
What a fucked up situation, your poor, poor kids.
He isnt always this way, he has a jekyl and hyde personality, he actually is a very kind person and considering the kids arent his he has always gone out if his way to treat them as though they are - we met when he was 23 so for his age i think he did well going from being his own person to having 2 kids to put first.
Its just his ability to control stressful situations - the stair gate id put up had marked the wall last week, and he flew off the handle calling me an idiot for not listening to him in the beginning as he warned me it would mark but i didnt think it would - like really? is it the end of the world? 15 minutes later hes calm and apologised but this stuff just isnt acceptable in my opinion when kids are invlolved.
I have never experienced a partner like this, my ex was so calm in comparison, but i left him because the relationship was non existent - and this one started because we are so alike and theres a spark. However i am able to put the children first even when in a rage, he isnt able to do this but is this maybe because of his age and experience? ive had 6 years to get used to being a parent. Hes had this thrown on him out of no where and 2 kids are hard work for any parent!
Am i just making a load of excuses up?
Yes you are making excuses.
You don't decide to deliberately bring a child into a mutually abusive relationship, then abort it because you've decided you actually don't like your husband very much.
Get out of the relationship and concentrate on trying to fix the damage that's already been done to your two young children.
The thought of having a baby with a petulant teenager type man Like this is awful. Walking on eggshells is terrifying....I managed years ago to get out of a relationship like that, thankfully without a baby to consider.
Thinking of you
No, you aren't making excuses up.
Do you think he would benefit from anger management therapy?
How are things normally in your relationship?
FWIW I know a couple who have struggled for years, he is the most wonderful, loving, kind man but he has the most awful temper. Never been physical with another person but has punched walls. You married him for a reason - are things generally okay apart from his temper?
Could he be depressed? What is his demeanour and behaviour like normally? How often does he lose his temper?
Please, ignore the people who are giving you a hard time for considering abortion. Whether or not to continue a pregnancy is absolutely your free choice, for whatever your reason, and no other person should ever make you feel guilty or wrong for your decisions about your body and your life.
no damage has been done to my 2 young children - if you just want to throw insults around can you leave this thread? i came here for advice and thank fully lots of you have commented useful things.
What happened in your situation scoop? how did it end?
'You are able to put the kids first even in a rage....he isn't'
I feel for you. You're trapped in an abusive relationship. You probably shouldn't have married him, but you did. It's not too late to leave now though. You'll be so much happier and freer.
Leave him and then think about the baby. If you terminated you'd be completely free and ready to start over. It's something I would consider doing.
Your husband and you are violent and aggressive to each other (doesn't take two seconds to search previous posts, which also link to a previous username confirming this), he teases your children until they cry, he loses his temper easily, can't cope if things are not his way.
This is all in front of/to your children! How on earth is that not damaging them, even if in some small way?
And Juno FTR, I'm pro-choice, but not in the situation of intentionally causing a pregnancy then three seconds later asking about abortion.
thanks Juno. thanks for being so kind, and helpful.
our relationship when we are together is great - but if he could just grow up and lose his stroppy teenager side then things would be perfect. We spent 2 weeks together day in day out over christmas and it just seemed that every day i was a miserable person because of having to have a go at him constantly for his attitude. as if he was my teenage child. when were with someone else hes always such a nice person, no one knows this side to him bar me, his mum and his ex girlfiend. i knew him for 5 years before we got together and i never knew this side to him existed. I married him becuase i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but the last few months he has just become increasingly worse.
I'm sorry, thus isn't a healthy relationship. I think it's clear he's abusive and you should leave. I don't think he'll change.
Protect yourself and your children.
My dad was like this - I can assure you my brother and me were damaged by it. To witness behaviour like that is frightening and damaging.
You really need to leave this man. He is no good for you or your children. If he smashes the house and sits outside your work call the police. You can leave him.
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