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Inlaw trouble please help!!!

(23 Posts)
Tibby2 Mon 30-Dec-13 14:38:17

Hi everyone apologies in advance for the rant to follow, any outside perspective welcome!!

SO when i was pregnant with my now nearly 2 yr old daughter me and my now husband set down the law that we did not want any announcements or photos with regard to our baby during pregnancy or afrerwards made on fb; neither me nor my husband are on facebook but my FIL is. eveyone agreed to this at the tine if the conversation but my FIL went on to disrespect this wish in the following instances:

1: he announced our pregnancy on fb at 8 weeks gone when we had specifically said only family where to know at this stage!

2: he put our scan photos on there the day of our scan so when we later went out to share ourscan photos with friends they had already seen it!

3: after the scan photo incident serious words where had, FIL apologised and promised to remove scan photo and not to put any photos up of baby when born only to discover that he put a photo of her up straight away when she was born and never removed the scan photo he also announced her birth. We were extremely hurt and angered by this total lack of respect my husband subsequently rang his Dad and was told that we both needed to grow up and that he was her grandad and he would do what he wanted!

They then cut contact for 7 weeks until i rang FIL asking him to come and talk thing through he turned up with an attitude and was not apologetic at all he went on to state that if she was in his care he would do with her what he wanted for example take her to the pub ect to show her off in situations against our will. As a result of this they have never babysat our daughter and barely see her, there have been many more instances of a real lack of respect incl ruining our wedding photos last month by the fact that they look like they are attending a funeral and are scowling right at me through our vows to which they are also unapologetic.

The situation now is such that they have said they dont wish to discuss the issues they just want us to forget it or not see our daughter. I have only feelings ofanger towards them and my husband is also very angry but they are still his parents so he doesnt want them out of his life which is understandable so my question is do i swallow my feelings and put up with them or encourage my husband to have a relationship with them seperate from me and our daughter? Thanks so much for reading

RedactedEdition Mon 30-Dec-13 17:55:00

It does sound as though this has turned into a downward spiral. OP.
What a difficult situation.

I am usually inclined to suggest concilliatory talks, and finding middle ground, but I don't think these options remained available to you, from the point at which your FIL said that he would do what he liked with his grand-daughter regardless of your wishes.
That is an unacceptable stance from any normal point of view.

I would go with your instinct, and stop trying. Stop apologising for what are perfectly reasonable expectations on your part. They are the people saying that you do it their way or they don't want to see their grandchild. Personally, I would let them stew in that juice for a while.
Leave the door wide open for them to visit - on your terms - if they want to, but they have to learn some respect for the fact that you are entitled to set those terms.

I do understand that your husband doesn't want to cease contact with his family, but think he perhaps need to accept that - as long as you do keep the door open for them to visit - then it is THEIR choice not to interact.
If you back down further, then you give them carte blanche to continue having no respect for the wishes of their son, or his wife


Bowlersarm Mon 30-Dec-13 18:01:30

So you don't want your fil to be able to show his granddaughter off?

Tibby2 Mon 30-Dec-13 18:53:19

If showing her off in his book means him taking my newborn daughter down to a pub full of smokers and passing her from to pillar to post or plastering her images over facebook then no i don't. If it meant taking her out for a walk in her pram to the park ect then yes absolutely but that wasn't what he wanted unfortunately.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Mon 30-Dec-13 19:05:24

"Set down the law"?

I think your initial attitude probably put his back up a bit.

Why are your friends on fil's Facebook? It's a bit odd.

Only you know if you can put up with them or not, but from what you've written they haven't done anything that merits cutting them off completely from their son or granddaughter.

Tibby2 Mon 30-Dec-13 19:06:17

To be clear the issue was not with FIL wanting to show off his granddaughter it was his repeated actions of putting his own wants before mine and my husbands as new parents. Even my MIL thinks we are in the right but has chosen to stand by her husband and not see her grandchild. When MIL pointed out to FIL that she is mine and my husbands child and our wishes should be respected he said he finds that hard to swallow and considers himself to be on an even plain with decision making as her grandad.

Bowlersarm Mon 30-Dec-13 19:06:39

Oh, then. Sorry, I have no answer.

Tibby2 Mon 30-Dec-13 19:20:59

I say we set down the law what we actually did was say we'd rather not have photos of baby on facebook and he said thats fine if his back was put up i feel he should of voiced that not just ignored our requests time and time again. My FIL is a man about town and is in the pub most weekends he spends alot of time with friends of ours down the pub. I too have always found this odd along with the fact that nearly all his fb friends are my age but thats not my business. Also please note i have never stated anything about their son not seeing them he too has alot of issues with them and is trying to decide what to do but i will never stand in the way of him and his parents. And further they do not see their granddaughter because they have decided that, they haven't contacted over christmas and they didn't come to her first birthday, decisions they made. My difficulty is should i go out on a limb trying to get them over to see her or do i leave it in their court knowing the chances are they wont contact?

sykadelic15 Thu 02-Jan-14 00:52:05

Well, what sort of relationship do you expect them to have?

You could do a "supervised" visit and stay with them and not leave the child with them. But they may find that condescending or they may simply not care.

Your FIL's behaviour isn't okay (you can report any images posted of your child to FB for removal). His feelings of entitlement towards your DC are what bothers me most. You should expect your rules, however ridiculous (as long as they're not harming the child) to be followed.

You might have people telling you that you need to pick your battles, and you do, but if you don't set rules from the get-go people will just assume and take-take-take.

My plan (if we're able to have a baby) is to not tell anyone we're in labour and only tell people after it's all over (I have very overbearing in-laws including narcissistic MIL). I also have every intention of stopping any photos from being taken except those by us (I can send them to people to forward/upload), and not allowing them to upload to FB without permission (which is what I do with my sisters child as well, I always ask for permission including a hidden folder on FB for her to confirm the pics are okay). There are just too many perverts online and I would like to protect as much as possible. Unfortunately though I have every expectation my SIL will have much the same view as your FIL including "what harm could it do?".

volvocowgirl Thu 02-Jan-14 01:47:23

I'd go NC - he has no respect for you or your wishes. And obviously doesn't have a clue about what's good for a baby. Let your DH see him if he wants, but I wouldn't trust him anywhere near my baby. Sorry, may be harsh, but I don't think it's worth the risks with people like this.

TheBookofRuth Thu 02-Jan-14 03:30:12

He sounds like a controlling bully. I wouldn't want him around my child.

ohfourfoxache Thu 02-Jan-14 03:50:37

I'd be leaving them to it tbh - if your DH wants to see them then fine, otherwise I'd be staying away and keeping your dd away also. Sounds like he's more interested in showing off than genuinely wanting to be a loving grandad.

Tibby2 Thu 02-Jan-14 22:49:05

Thank you for everyones comments. Ohforfoxache your last comment re FIL being more consumed by showing off then being a grandad is exactly how i feel about him. I hope DH can re establish a relationship with them for his sake but i will keep me and my daughter at arms length. I have always said since this started when DD was born that i wont allow her to be with them unsupervised, she never has been and wont be in the future, i wont have any one i cant trust caring for my daughter, grandad or not. Its an unfortunate situation sad thanks again for support sometimes when these things go on you start to doubt whats right and previous decisions but i feel reinforced now that im not over reacting im just being a mum.

ohfourfoxache Thu 02-Jan-14 23:08:25

Being a mum is the hardest job in the world, having to weigh pros and cons and look after the little life that you have created. Trust your gut feelings, and never ever let people convince you that your gut feeling is wrong. Good luck x

zippey Thu 02-Jan-14 23:08:35

Difficult one. I can see your FIL's point about you guys having to grow up and accept that people will be proud of their new family member and will want to over-ride any silly control aspect of photographs etc.

But I think over-riding this is his continued disregard of what you want - eg announcing the birth etc.

I think you should do what you think is in the best interests of your DD - if you think going NC with the in-laws is best thengo for it. If you think relaxing your no photo rule and letting everyone dote on her is for the best, then you should do this. Im probably biased but life is not really about absolutes in a lot of aspects, there needs to be give and take from each side.

sykadelic15 Fri 03-Jan-14 17:56:14

I can see your FIL's point about you guys having to grow up and accept that people will be proud of their new family member and will want to over-ride any silly control aspect of photographs etc.

Having to "grow up" and "over-ride any silly control aspect"?? That's so insulting. It doesn't matter what FIL wants, it matters what SHE wants. FIL is the one who needs to "grow up" and realise his son and DIL are parents now and his word isn't law. Her rules may be considered by some to be silly (personally I don't think they are at all) but to disregard simply implies any other rules will also be broken and it's a breach of trust. It's "just" photos etc now, what other rule/request will they deem unimportant?

First they prove they can be trusted, then she relaxes her "silly" rules. Right now FIL is just showing he'll do what he wants, and his later comments support it.

zippey Fri 03-Jan-14 19:10:16

Sykadelik15 - hi yes I agree with you, please read my 2nd and 3rd paragraphs for further clarification.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Fri 03-Jan-14 19:26:33

FIL has a problem with boundaries so I would have suggested to let them huff and puff for a few days and ask for some recognition of your choices. You wouldn't miss out. Up to DH if he wants to see them or make contact. But nearly two years on and this is still rumbling?

FIL hasn't got "rights" when it comes to your DD. Being the first to spill the beans seemed to be his goal. I agree with you as it happens, he totally overstepped the mark. I am glad DH backed you to the hilt. Over time FIL has no doubt spun his own version of events, each side is so entrenched it gets harder to view dispassionately.

I don't know if you ever felt particularly close to your PILs, possibly with hindsight MIL wishes she'd talked FIL into apologising. Without back-pedalling or saying you'd change your strategy if you have another baby, is it faintly possible you could bring yourself to give them a chance to win back your trust?

Tibby2 Fri 03-Jan-14 22:53:07

Hello! Thanks again for everyones on going support and comments they are all helpful and its reassuring to see the majority of you see our point of view on this. Just wanted to comment on a couple of things. My husband has been fantastically supportive i very lucky, he really struggles with confrontation but has really put me and DD first; this is the main reason i struggle with how to move forward, as angry and betrayed as DH feels they are still his parents and i know he misses the relationship they had prior to these issues. I sometimes wish i could swallow my own feelings towards FIL so he could be relieved of this situation to a degree but they refuse to speak about it, they offer no closure or resolution and i have so much anger towards FIL and i dont trust him at all. Prior to my pregnancy i couldn't of asked for better in laws to be but the second i was pregnant ot was like i was carrying his cargo and like he had right to every aspect of my life, i had a severe hemmorage and forceps in birth and was very ill for months after he would tell ppl we were reclusive with our daughter because i couldn't physically walk her any further than the park and because i wasn't ready for the hoards of aunts and uncles he wanted to ferry over to see DD. When my husband explained that to him he said ok and then the doorbell went 8 o clock nxt day and I've got 7 relatives of DH at the door with no warning announcing the FIL said it was ok. Theres just been SO many instances i cant even imagine writing them all down! Theres a lot of water under the bridge!!! Anyway last and prob most vital point i am coning up to 10 weeks pregnant no one knows yet we are waiting for 12 week scan and would like to have decided how to move forward by then re in laws hence original post!!

volvocowgirl Sat 04-Jan-14 07:42:09

I wouldn't tell your in-laws you are pregnant until you really can't hide it anymore...

Your FIL still can't see your POV and is showing no signs of respecting your wishes, it will only be the same, if not worse with this one.

Personally, I'd go NC as its not worth the stress in pregnancy - your and the babies health should be put first (something FIL obviously doesn't give two shits about).

DH can have a relationship with his FIL without your or your babies being there (seeing as he doesn't give a toss about your well being or wishes).

What a vile sounding man.

mrsnextdoor80 Wed 15-Jan-14 19:00:56

I feel a weeks past reading all of this info.
Iv been in this place myself and it turned out so well so there is hope(if you want there to be)
Sounds like fil should have taken you word o things from the get go.
Just think if hed help you in any way poss before this and if you have had a good relationship with him b4.If you know apart from being male and doing what they like he wants to be part of your adventure and should have made it his own tho the ah.
Id say baby step it to friendship(or as near as you can) hes learnt now a telling off from a stronge woman and not having his son and di,gd i his live would have crushed his manhood bye now.
Life is short and mistakes happen.
I didnt talk to my dad for 3y09m as he wouldnt make a effort with me or my family.He died 7 weeks after we made.I miss him
Hope i have helped

SlimJiminy Tue 21-Jan-14 16:14:42

I do have a Facebook account, but I'm not a fan of all the pregnancy announcements and wouldn't post one myself. I'm still not sure how I feel about putting photos of children on there either. I'd be absolutely fuming if I'd explicitly stated that I didn't want announcements/scan photos to be posted and then found out that someone had done it anyway. It's totally out of order. I also wouldn't want FIL parading my baby around to all his mates down the pub like a pet chimp or something. Cooed over by an old biddy while taking a stroll in the park = fine. Hounded by a load of pissed up old men in a pub = not fine.

It sounds like you've tried to talk to him and it's not working. Could be a crap idea, but do you think writing him a letter would work? You could explain why you and OH are making the choices that you're making for your children and how him going against that makes you both feel? Of course you'd need to be careful with the wording - once it's sent, there's no going back - but it might help to get your point across clearly without interruption and show some solidarity between you and OH? Really not sure if you'll think that's a good idea or not...

Inclined to agree that you don't mention this pregnancy until you're unable to hide it any longer. Given his past behaviour, you'd have no problem backing up that decision.

dizhin79 Wed 22-Jan-14 07:53:33

i'd send your dh round to tell his folks and you and dd to tell friends, then if the inevitable announcements happen people can respond yeah its great news isn't it grin

I hate fb announcements too. It's really insensitive of him to blatantly ignore your wishes abs tbh he just sounds like an attention seeker. Good luck with the scan and pregnancy x

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