Drug taking brother, Mum wants him out...(5 Posts)
Actually getting this on behalf of my Mum... we both don't know how to go about it...
Basically he is 21. He has had endless difficulties with drugs/alcohol since around 16, but the last couple of years its totally out of control. He was arrested last summer after possessing with intent to supply. He was in the process of going into a job, that then obviously turned him down because his CRB came through with this on. The last 2 years, he has drifted along, stealing money, shutting himself away. He lives in the basement of my Mum's house. She is in her mid sixties, and she is fostering a 14 year old boy. She really tried to get him on track early on, but in the more recent years she has just got past the point of trying, just completely depressed and can't handle the stress. After being arrested, he was completely in denial, and spouted tonnes of ridiculous trash about being on a 'higher plane' to everyone else (because he had a ketamine induced hallucination). My Mum let him stay, telling him to get himself sorted, get on JSA and help with the house. A year later, he has still not done this. AND he invites his 'friends' over without asking, and they play music loudly etc all night.
Anyway, he has just been arrested for violent behaviour towards a policeman. I don't know all the details, because he isn't being forthcoming. He was clearly at some establishment, as there was cctv, and the police arrested his friend... and when he intervened, asking why he was being arrested - they arrested him too. He makes out he is ofc completely innocent, but its impossible to know. I can't say I am very sympathetic, as his friends were writing on his facebook bragging about being pepper sprayed or tasered.
My Mum is finally, accepting he has to go. He has no idependence, she is funding this awful lifestyle out of guilt. We have talked about rehab, but he wouldn't go... and when she made him see a psychologist in his teens (who he saw regularly for about 4 years) it made no difference. He has a victim mentality, and is incredibly manipulative.
I have written way too much... but basically looking for some advice on what she can do? It would be nice to find a place that could help... but I don't really know. I suspect she will chicken out of the idea if she sees it as 'kicking him on to the street'.. and she's scared of him. Thinks he will break back in or get in by force.
Sorry for the long post, and sorry if this isn't in the right place...
Didn't want to leave this unanswered, please keep bumping it as well, I'm sure someone will be along with better advice than me. Is it just you and your mum? Do you have any other family members to help with this situation?
If it were me, I would present a united front with my mum, sit your brother down and tell home he has to move out, that the situation is unacceptable. Be firm, tell him that as an adult, he can live his life however he chooses, but that your mum doesn't want a part of it any more. Give him a time limit to move, say a month, and stick to that date.
As I say, I'm not sure of the dynamic in your family so I don't know if you and your mum would be able to do this and stick to your guns. At the minute, you're enabling him really, and maybe getting him to move out and fend for himself might be the kick up the arse he needs. You both really need to withdraw, if he's going to turn his life around he's the one who has to do it. You can be supportive, but can't do it for him. I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but it must be very stressful for you both.
I have a sister, but she is disabled... however, she would support as best she can. She believes we should be getting him into rehab, but as far as I'm aware, you need to WANT to change yourself. He is in denial about his drug taking, believes that it increases his understanding of the world.
I think sitting him down and telling him straight off he has to leave would work. Especially if me and my sister were there. He knows he can manipulate my Mum, but he is a bit frightened of me and knows I don't fall for it. He has hurt my Mum in the past, and he knows that wouldn't be an option with me around, as I would stop him.
Thanks for the reply x
My heart sank when I read your OP. We've been here.
Our mum would agree that DBro had to go, but when he got thrown out of the hostel (for being drunk and harassing another resident) she let him back in again, then again when he finished stage one Detox but refused to go on to Rehab. That happened twice. He would hit her and her pets to enforce his way, other times be really sweet and nice and promise he'd change. We (all of his siblings) kept telling her not to let him come back, but she'd always bottle it. We didn't realise just how manipulative he was, a lot of the abuse didn't come out until much later.
What I wish we'd tried was actually taking Ma away, changing all the locks, changing her phone number, making it impossible for him to come back, and keeping Ma away from his manipulation.
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