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Really need advice please

(13 Posts)
Sheeny83 Wed 08-May-13 19:15:08

Hi, I've just joined this site out of desperation really. I've been married about 9 months and am due to have our first baby next month. The problem is, I think my husband is emotionally abusive and he is changing me beyond all recognition. I blame myself because I don't want him to leave so I put up with it. If he left I couldn't afford to continue with the mortgage, the thought of being a single mum scares the hell out of me and also it would kill me to see him with someone else because I do love him so much.

Most of the time he is fine but when he gets angry he is vile. He puts me down, calls me a fat c*nt, tells me he can do better and he's had enough and will be leaving soon. He believes he is more important than anyone else and he can speak to people however he wants but everyone has to speak to him with respect at all times. I think he might have mental health problems. I'm worried the baby will hear his tirades, I'm scared my son will grow up thinking women are second class citizens.

I'm sat typing in tears because he has just had another rant. Told me I'm a piece of shit and nothing to him and there's no point in crying because he will never feel sorry for me. I'm not after sympathy, I just need some guidance.

I'm not a stupid person, I have a masters degree and a good career in a respected field. I don't know how I ended up here but now I feel trapped. I wish he would see a doctor but he won't. Has anyone else had a relationship like this that got fixed? If it did, how?

pictish Wed 08-May-13 19:19:09

What do you love about him?
He sounds ghastly!
And yes...he's abusive. Are you ealking on eggshells now? Trying not to set him off?

Your child will hear his tirades.

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

Sheeny83 Wed 08-May-13 19:23:51

He isn't always awful and during his "normal" times I love him. That's all I can say. I've come upstairs away from him but if he comes up or calls my name my heart will start beating faster and I'll brave myself.

Sheeny83 Wed 08-May-13 19:24:16

*brace myself.

oopsadaisymaisy Wed 08-May-13 19:28:48

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Can you see him ever changing? Can you see yourself being with this man for the rest of your life, because if the answer is no then get out and do it now. We get one shot at life and you deserve the best. Nothing is worth spending time in this type of relationship. Please don't waste another minute if your precious life with this man.

zzed Wed 08-May-13 19:34:49

being a single mum is not all as bad as people assume, do you have a good extended family support and lots of friends because if so i would confide in one of them and i'm sure they would all rally round and support you. The last thing you need when youve just had a baby is an abusive unsupportive partner, it would be easier for you without him there, undermining you all the time. Women can succeed without men dont be scared of being without him. you must show him your not intimidated by him because he obviously wants you to feel like that for some reason. youve got to be strong for your child too.

pictish Wed 08-May-13 19:34:52

Of course he isn't awful all the time...you would leave if he was. All abusive people are nice some of the time....otherwise no one would stay and put up with their maltreatment would they?
But of course, he will be nice when it suits him to be nice. If he doesn't feel like being nice.....

Well...I don't need to tell you do I? You know.

TequilaMockinBird Wed 08-May-13 19:43:14

Oh OP, he sounds exactly like my ex.

I promise you, it won't get better, it will get worse. It isn't your fault, it isn't your baby's fault, and you need to leave.

I stayed for 9 years thinking it would get better. It didn't. And it turned physical too.

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to leave.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, this should be a happy time waiting for baby to arrive.

He is a shit, you deserve better x

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 08-May-13 19:47:39

Hello OP
Sorry that you're going through this - do let us know if you'd like us to move you thread to our relationships topic won't you?
Best of luck with the impending arrival and hope you can get some support both on MN and in RL to help with all of this
Kindest
MNHQ

Booyhoo Wed 08-May-13 19:54:08

oh OP of course you're not stupid. women from all sorts of backgrounds can be duped by abusive men!

i'm not sure if this is any use to you but i left an abusive man with my two dcs (one was only a baby) and i can honestly say that for both me and my dcs it was teh best decision i have ever made.

my dcs dont have to hear him put me down or see me sobbing in tears over the kitchen sink. they've never had to see him storming out of the house after screaming abuse at me. i can only imagine how terrified tehy would be if they saw that now.

do what you need to do to protect yourself and your baby OP. have you spoeken to womens aid?

Booyhoo Wed 08-May-13 19:58:08

yes it turned physical with me aswell. the last straw was when he 'jokingly' hmm tried to set fire to me infront of my friends and my then 5 year old at a BBQ at our house. he had started doing things like poking/jabbing me really hard on the forehead during rows, snatching things from my hands, pushing the back of my head if he just happened to walk past me. i could tell what was coming and knew i couldn't put up with it so i made him leave.

pictish Wed 08-May-13 19:58:18

I very much second a chat with Women's Aid. They are fantastic.

Booyhoo Wed 08-May-13 20:01:30

in your situation i would leave before the baby is born. and get as much of a support system set up for the birth as possible. otherwise people will assume you have him for support and there is nothing worse than when you are completely reliant on him (like if you have a c-section or need stuff brought into hospital) and he decides to play a wee power game. set up your own support system, your mum, family, friends, neighbours. get a plan in place at least so if he lets you down ou have people tehre to come and help you.

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