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Planned overseas holiday with baby but no husband for 4 weeks. He hates it, what do I do?

(21 Posts)
Mum8 Fri 19-Apr-13 13:04:49

I planned to go to visit my mom with our 6 month old for 5 weeks, we will be there with my dd for 4 weeks and then for the final week my DH will join us.

He now, after months of planning it, begs me to stay and go only for 2 weeks alone and then the last week with him as he will not be able to stay 4 weeks away from his baby and me.

My mom will not like me to shorten my trip and I am stuck in the middle feeling miserable, as I wanted a longer time with mom but not so long to displease hubby.

A 4 week holiday (reducing holiday by 1 week) is not an option as we will incur £150 extra charge for chaning plans and both hubby and I feel is a lot of money for just one week difference.

And I do not know what to do sad My mom also announced this week to our surprise that my brother and his wife and kid moved in with her, as they are unemployed and cannot meet months' end.

I could not believe it, as although I love my brother, I do not approve of his lifestyle, he smokes and wants to be the centre of attention and that is part of the reason hubby also feels five weeks in the same house with my bro will be too much for me to handle.

Yes I miss my family and looked forward to seeing them for a longer time this time.

What do I do? sad

RiaOverTheRainbow Sat 20-Apr-13 02:07:33

God, that sounds difficult. I can see why your dh doesn't want to be away from you and baby for 5 weeks, but it might have helped to say so earlier! Is there any chance of your dm coming to you instead?

Restorer Sat 20-Apr-13 02:33:08

I think he's right, but how on earth did you get to this stage before he said so?

How would you feel if he took baby away for so long?

How would your mum react if you change your plans because of brother smoking?

Does your mum have room for all if you?

kelly14 Sat 20-Apr-13 05:30:48

i went out to my parents in dubai when my dd was 5 months old and we stayed for 3 months! and i did this numerous times a year, sometimes for longer periods. (she is now 8 and we still do this and even did when we emigrated to oz)

My otherhalf never wanted to stop me going and dd having amazing time.

but My brother has since had his children in dubai and would not be apart from them for a night even!

BabyRuSh Sat 20-Apr-13 05:42:26

Same as kelly here. With both babies I buggered off to mums in malaysia for at least 2 months and left DH alone. I got help with dc, and DH got to catch up on sleep and his social life. It's not really a big deal for you to be away for a month is it?

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 20-Apr-13 06:32:10

Since dd was a baby we have spent 12 weeks apart each summer. I go "home" a) to work b) to spend time in my country with my family.

It was part of the deal from the go-get. 9 months in Italy, 3 months in the UK. He joins us for 10 days in August.

Yes, it's not pleasant for him to have to wash his own pants. But the flipside is he gets to stay out all night on the lash with his mates and leave the dirty dishes in the sink (I imagine) until he runs out.

It's what happens with multinational families. It's normal. And in your case it's only for 4 weeks. What would he do if he, like many parents, had a job which took him abroad for months at a time?

nextphase Sat 20-Apr-13 06:35:38

It sounds really tough, and I can see his point of view, but I suspect he is just getting cold feet about it. Would it be possible to skype regularly - it isn't the same, but has been great for my kids (from slightly older admittedly) keeping in touch when people are travelling.

I think if your OK with the situation with your brother, you should go, but come up with a plan of keeping in contact with DH so he isn't feeling left out of your baby's development.

How is money? Would it be possible for you, your baby and your Mum to go away somewhere for a few nights in the middle, to have a break, more time with your Mum, and get away from your Brother?

Hope you get things amicable.

PoppyAmex Sat 20-Apr-13 06:41:32

OP I agree he should've mentioned it before.

Having said that, I can't stand this talk about men catching up with their social life/get pissed/wash their own pants.

Maybe some men would actually miss their wives and babies and wouldn't give a shit about going out with friends or having to do house chores.

Chubfuddler Sat 20-Apr-13 06:48:56

I completely see his POV but really he should have said earlier shouldn't he? Is there any way he can increase his time with you - come out with you for the first week and join you for the last week (added bonus that you don't have to fly alone with baby)? If that's not viable then he either has to suck it up this time or you agree to girl out the 150 quid to change your ticket. It's one or the other - it's not fair of him to moan about an agreed plan so late in the day and moan about the cost of changing the plan.

As for your brother, well I can see that's an irritation but really, he sounds down on his luck and depending on your general relationship I would have thought you could grin and bear it for such a short period.

MortifiedAdams Sat 20-Apr-13 06:51:26

TOtally understandable that a father doesnt want to be away from.his child for that long at such a you age.

Lord.knows you lot would be baying for his blood if he wanted to take the baby away for that long and leave DM at home.

WidowWadman Sat 20-Apr-13 06:53:21

I fully agree with PoppyAmex.Also really not sure whether it's "what happens with multinational families."

I couldn't bugger off to my home country for several months at a time - I've got a job with 25 days of annual leave.

Rosa Sat 20-Apr-13 07:13:10

Another one who vanishes for 4/5 weeks a year and if possible dh joins us for a week or 10 days. He says the first few days is hard ( its quiet) but then the lack of standing on lego, and general chaos kicks in . He knows that the dds are having a great time the GPs are super happy .

purrpurr Sat 20-Apr-13 07:21:34

Totally agree with Poppy. I don't like this idea that the women can go away to get help with the DC and the men can catch up on their social lives - WTAF?

Dilidali Sat 20-Apr-13 07:45:02

How much space has your mum got? I would shorten it this time, purely because your brother and family, it really isn't fun being crammed in one room, at the end of mine I needed another holiday.
The trouble I had was a bit different, my kid is the only grandchild, niece and 4 adults were on her case constantly, I stepped back so she used to come to me and beg me to spend the day away from family. I would announce today is a day with just me and her, to which my dad would grab his camera and say I am coming too, I will not say anything, just take pictures of her. Put my foot down and took her out. We were having a lovely time feeding plastic dogs with palm leaves when both my brothers showed up: oh, here you are, we drove around the whole town trying to find you, are you ok? They called my parents: they are at the park, come over!!!
My kid would say: mummy, may I have an icecream? By the time she finished the sentence, 5 or 6 icecreams were handed to her! She'd start crying: I don't want all this i ecream, I just want my mummy to buy me one, she knows which one I like. Cue to: spoilt little girl, ungrateful etc, cue for mummy to lose her temper with the adults. It was constant! She had a little bouncy ball, I said go on the terrace, the kitchen cabinets were glass, 4 adults start yelling at me: let her be, you are so authoritarian etc... The little madam bounces the darn ball, shatters two cabinet windows, I say nothing, cue for family to say: you need to discipline her. I was sooo tempted to shatter the rest myself!
So yeah, I couldn't cope for 5 weeks.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 20-Apr-13 08:03:26

It happens with most of the expat families I know.

Apologies for being anecdotal.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 20-Apr-13 08:03:41

(the washing pants thing was a joke btw)

HorryIsUpduffed Sat 20-Apr-13 08:08:44

Could he come for the middle week, so that he is away from you for two weeks twice rather than four weeks all at once?

BabyRuSh Sun 21-Apr-13 13:45:10

poppy and purr some of us with family abroad have very little support in the uk. Those 2 months that I spend with them is the only time my dc see their grandparents. So it's a chance for them to bond and of course I get a lot more help as there are two pairs of hands all day. As for DH catching up on his social life- we have 2 under 2 an ta hard on both of us. If he does go out in the evenings, he doesn't like leaving us alone for too long in case the dc play up. And when we're abroad he gets a break from housework like laundry and tidying up. Of course he misses us and we miss him, but practically speaking, what's not to like? I see it as a win-win! I accept that it may not work for everyone, but for those with family abroad, I think it's a great way for both parents to have a bit of a break from childcare.

PoppyAmex Sun 21-Apr-13 18:01:22

I get that - I'm not originally from the UK and all my family lives abroad, so I understand what you're saying.

You're happy to be apart for 2 months and that's fine, entirely up to you and I wouldn't dream of voicing an opinion on your life choices.

But that wouldn't work for me and DH and there's no way he'd be apart from his DC for 2 months and it seems the OP's husband feels the same - I don't think this is unusual and I certainly don't think all "men" would prefer to have that "break".

olgaga Sun 21-Apr-13 18:12:49

Do you really want the hassle of staying all that time in an overcrowded home with a small baby, an under pressure mum and an irritating brother, wife and kid? You're made of sterner stuff than me!

But I do think your DH is being unreasonable to expect you to change your plans at this late stage.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 21-Apr-13 18:33:53

There's two totally different things going on here.

1. Your husband doesn't want to be apart from you for 4 weeks, and wants you to shorten your holiday to two weeks. OK if that's fine with you, BUT he really can't balk at the £150 change for the change. All this "both hubby and I feel is a lot of money for just one week difference" and saying that it is not an option - well, there isn't any alternative if he wants you to be apart for less time. There is no magic wand that can be waved here. Either pay for the change, or stick to the current arrangements.

2. Your brother and his family moving in to your mother's - is there actually any space for you there anyway?

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