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please help me decide what to do about dn!

(12 Posts)
fourandahalfkids Tue 26-Mar-13 19:58:43

A bit of background info. Dn turned 16 recently, she lives with us in our annexe due to a relationship breakdown with her mother.
Dn is prone to tell lies and despite being very smart her social skills are non existant. She originally was staying with us for a couple of nights and was going to get the council to housr her but due to recent health worries she decided to stay longer.

We are supposed to be going away on monday fprtwo nights, she was supposed to be coming with us but told us that her consultant told her notto (theme park). I had my concerns as to whether this was true and also had concerns about leaving her here alone as she is not totally trust worthy.
I arranged for several very trustworthy girls to come and house sit (before we knew she wasn't coming) and thought it would be a good idea to let them come in the hope that their presence would be a detterant to her sneaking people in/parties etc. I had a phone call from her employer today, someone she trusts and confides in a lot. This woman has told me that dn has planned a party for when we are away. She has also told her thay if we get wind of it and try to stop it she will go to the local park with her mates and get drunk anyway.
The employer has told me a few other worrying things too, that my dn is trying to get pregnant and that my dn has accused my dh and i of stealinb money from her purse. She has even told very silly lies that have no real importance whatsoever.
Both the employer and ourselves are worried about her mental state, her mood swings are very erratic.
My immediate issue is what to do about going away. The employer is keen for my dn to not know she has spoken to us as she confides in her and that is useful to know where she is at as she doesn't talk to us. She is a very troubled young lady. I think we need to cancel the other girls staying as their safety is paramount and they shouldn't have to deal with the fallout. But i'm not hsppy about leaving her here alone either.
What would you do?

Im sorry about all the typos, im on my mobile.

Ragwort Tue 26-Mar-13 20:01:31

I wouldn't leave her alone, even if that means cancelling your holiday sad - or can you insist she comes with you? I have had a very troubled relative in a very similar situation, it has been a nightmare, I am very sorry for you, you are obviously trying your best and being very supportive. smile.

fourandahalfkids Tue 26-Mar-13 20:02:20

I should add, the employer bought her a pregnancy test and made her take it. But when it came back negative dn was visably upset. Also dn has said she is going to the fair which is something she would be unable to do if the consultant had told her she was not to go to the themepark. So she has been planning it a while.

fourandahalfkids Tue 26-Mar-13 20:05:15

I really dont want to cancel the holiday. It is my little boys birthday present to Thomasland and he has been so excited for such a long time.

She stayed with us once before for 6 months and we sacrificed a lot for her and then she threw it in our faces and left. So i dont want my kids being upset on account of her again.
Im not sure i can force her to come she is 16 and very strong minded.

AnAirOfHope Tue 26-Mar-13 20:08:37

She can go to a theme park and not go on the rides hmm

I would call her bluf and tell her ypu called her gp and its fine that she goes with you. Give it a posative spin and a firm you are going.

Good luck

AnAirOfHope Tue 26-Mar-13 20:11:33

Then tell her to leave your house and take the keys back. If she wants to be an adult treat her like one.

Your way or no way.

What would you do if she was your dd?

fourandahalfkids Tue 26-Mar-13 20:18:16

That is one option (taking the keys back) but dh thinks that's punishing her for something that she hasn't done yet.
My oldest is 10 i would make her come I think, but dn is a different kettle of fish altogether, she will not be dictated to and if i put my foot down she is likely to do a runner. And if there is something going on mentally i'm afraid of where that might take her.

fourandahalfkids Tue 26-Mar-13 20:19:12

I thought about calling her bluff too but she is very sneaky and would come up with another excuse not to come.

lucamom Tue 26-Mar-13 20:40:36

Sorry it's not a positive answer, but I'd have to send Dh and kids to thomasland so they don't miss out, then stay at home.

Sounds a bit tree-huggy but could you and she use the time for a girly evening-force her to stay in but make it as pleasant as poss (even over-the top spoiling) in the hope she opens up. Dare I say it, if she's going to be drinking anyway, you provide alcohol for her and you in a controlled environment (show you 'trust' her to some extent).

Disclaimer: my eldest is 6 so I could be shot down for suggesting utter twaddle..

AnAirOfHope Wed 27-Mar-13 11:31:48

My eldest is 4.

Could you repost this in teenagers?

Also Maryz is the best poster on how to deal with teens it might help to pm her?

Where is she getting the beer from?

Who would she invite?

at 16 she should be treated like an adult. If she had the party what would you do about it after?

LimitedEditionLady Fri 19-Apr-13 18:31:16

Dont leave her in the house.tell her the house sitter cancelled so she will have to come as you will worry about her all on her own all that time.i wouldnt leave her in the house alone if it makes you unhappy.its your home and your kids home so protecting it is just fine,it shows great disrespect for her to secretly plan a party and gloat to her boss.just how excited you are for her to come along and itll make it special with her there.

LimitedEditionLady Fri 19-Apr-13 18:35:18

Sorry i mean say how excited you are for her to come do seem to be on eggshells around this girl but she needs to know that she should appreciate that you look after her and she needs to know that she cant just do what she wants when she is affecting other for a baby omg she needs to see what a baby needs and fast.

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