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How can I report this man?

(52 Posts)
jellyrolly Sat 16-Mar-13 20:56:47

I was at a good friend's wedding and one of the guest's husbands was really drunk. He tried to grope me on the dance floor and I thumped him, so far so wedding party. As I left the dance floor the bride's sister had seen him try and grope me and told me he had just asked her DD to go to the toilets with him while making a lewd hand gesture to her. Thank goodness she was able to say no, she is only 9, and told her mum. She was really upset and started crying. He then asked another young girl to go with him to the toilet and a different boy, only aged about 10, stopped her from going with him.

It sounds ridiculous now but we didn't want to cause a fight or a scene and ruin the wedding party so he wasn't confronted by anyone. His own wife was mortified but I don't think she knew he had approached children, just that he was being a complete w&*ker. They have a five year old DD. I can't do nothing but I don't know what to do. I don't even know his full name. Again, it sounds stupid but I don't want to tell the bride what happened to her niece on her wedding day. She knows he was lewd to adult guests but this is a different matter. We spoke the next day and she was really upset that he had ruined the day, and that was based on what she did know.

I have sent a text to the bride's sister but she hasn't replied, I don't want to upset her further, maybe she just wants to forget about it but I can't. WWYD?

Coconutty Sat 16-Mar-13 21:02:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hassled Sat 16-Mar-13 21:06:01

What coconutty said.
Horrible for you - I'm sorry.

Ledkr Sat 16-Mar-13 21:07:38

I totally agree. He needs to be reported and I'm shocked the mother of the 9 yr old didn't.
I'm not going to say what dh would have done if that was our dd.

MummyNoName Sat 16-Mar-13 21:09:33

Drunk or not, there's no logical explanation for an adult male to be inviting children into the toilets.

Go to the police.

jellyrolly Sat 16-Mar-13 21:13:06

I think I have to too. I just needed to 'say' it all. The mother of the 9 yr old was so shocked, I think she will be getting more and more upset and angry as the shock wears off. I just want to make sure I handle it properly, the idea of upsetting the girl more is awful, making her go over it etc. but I know that isn't enough of a reason to say nothing. I suppose I want permission from her mother to pursue this with the police as it is her and her child who will have to make formal statements. I can't believe she won't or possibly hasn't already. Her DH wanted to kill him but she stopped him as it was her sister's wedding day, I think she did the right thing stopping him as it would have been used against them.

Sarahplane Sat 16-Mar-13 21:33:21

I think you definitely need to report this to the police. I don't think the drink is to blame, alcohol does not make people prey on children. It seems like he was just more obvious because he was drunk so hopefully you reporting him now can prevent him being able to do anything worse.

jellyrolly Sat 16-Mar-13 21:45:23

Thank you for your replies. I don't know how these processes work, whether my word is enough? Or whether the children involved or their parents have to report it. I suppose you just have to trust the police. There is a pc on the school run I might ask their advice. The bride is on her honeymoon so I can't get the full name until they come back which give me time to figure out the best way to do this.

idiot55 Sat 16-Mar-13 21:50:32

I would phone the non emergency police number and explain the situation, you might not need to do anythig else.

MummyNoName Sat 16-Mar-13 21:54:23

I'd report it ASAP just so everything is remembered and nothing is forgotten by those involved.

jellyrolly Sat 16-Mar-13 22:04:34

That is a good point MummyNoName. I am going to write down what I remember. I only know his first name without talking to the bride so I don't know if there is anything I can do straight away.

Quilty Sun 17-Mar-13 08:24:55

As others have said I think you need to make a report to the police ASAP. No amount of drunkenness excuses that behaviour. What if one of the children had actually followed him? He might well of been all talk with the alcohol and who knows whether he would of actually done anything or not but you can't take that risk. To make suggestions like that to children is criminal enough in my opinion. The fact that it happened at least twice that you know of makes all the more disturbing. Feel very sorry for whoever his wife is; vile man.

I think the police would be very interested to take a look at his computer...

Wishfulmakeupping Sun 17-Mar-13 08:32:17

You are right OPthos needs reporting- aside from bride and her sister is there anyone else from the wedding party you could contact? You are doing the right thing- must have been awful though hope you and the little girls are ok this is terrible

tribpot Sun 17-Mar-13 08:39:16

Are you the witness to the advance made to the second little girl, the where the 10 year old boy stopped her from going with him? Or is this what the mother of the 9-year-old told you? I only ask because obviously it is better reported by those who directly witnessed events, and I don't know if you saw any first hand or you were told about them.

I'm afraid I think the bride's sensibilities need to come second; this man needs to be reported to the police as soon as possible.

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 10:16:17

I wasn't tribpot, the boy was the brother of the first little girl - he told his mum. I think it really needs to come from her, I know her reasonably well and have sent her a message but she hasn't replied yet. At the very least I want to warn her that I have reported him as I imagine the police will want to speak to her and her children.

The bride will agree with that, I think we were so shocked and you get in the mindset of not upsetting the bride at the time, it's stupid really.

I don't know who else I could contact wishful, it's awkward as this man and his partner are in a big friendship group I'm not in. You just don't know how people are going to react. There's The Right Thing, then there's Real Life.

tribpot Sun 17-Mar-13 12:35:57

So the bride's sister is really the one who should go to the police - all the info you have comes from her. However, I think you're right that your responsibility is to report and notify her that you have done so.

I can see how any attempt at a confrontation at the wedding could have ended even more badly - it sounds like a lot of booze had been consumed and it would have turned violent. But in the sober light of day, this needs airing. The friendship group may close ranks around the guy (although frankly I think that's pretty unlikely when this involves children) but what's the alternative? Potentially discovering years later that you should have reported it and didn't.

I must say I feel sorry for the bride, what an absolutely shit wedding day.

MakesCakesWhenStressed Sun 17-Mar-13 12:50:46

Just to add my twopence worth, I do think you need to contact the non-emergency number and get things moving.

Are you OK? It's not nice to be groped and must feel even worse knowing what you do now about this sleazy man

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 14:12:08

This is what I was afraid of - the bride's sister has now said she doesn't want to take it any further as she doesn't want her children upset (or her sister). I do understand her protecting them but am so disappointed. She thinks his partner has been told and may do something about it but I think that is even less likely. I want to respect her decision as ultimately I have nothing to report without her back up but what to do now? I would be straight round to the police if anyone did that to my children. I'm going to speak to the bride when she comes back from her honeymoon, she was upset about the behaviour that she knew about so will definitely bring it up with me.

Roshbegosh Sun 17-Mar-13 14:16:22

What a terrible situation, you could well end up being labelled the bad guy who spoilt the wedding. It is something whistle blowers face sadly. Good luck!

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 14:35:24

I know, the message from bride's sister was distinctly chilly. I don't even know this guy's surname or where he lives. I hope she will think differently when she has had more time.

wrongsideoftheroad Sun 17-Mar-13 14:44:12

Are the bride and her sister on facebook? Can you look through their friends lists and see if you can spot him?

You say he tried to grope you - what did that involve? By that I mean, is it possible for you to report what he did to you and then tell the police?

Quite a long time ago I worked in crime recording and I know there was a change in the law which meant that the police are duty bound to record a third party report of crime and then track down the victim to find out if they are willing to pursue it. I would imagine this is still this case so if you give them the details they will have to track down this little girl's mother.

Now, I understand that you don't want to create upset with the bride and her sister but what this man has done is far, far more important than how a bride feels about her wedding day. His behaviour can't be covered up/condoned. It just can't.

Good luck, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes but you know what you need to do.

wrongsideoftheroad Sun 17-Mar-13 14:45:27

Sorry..meant to say that perhaps the bride's sister will decide to pursue it after all if approached by police and she sees how serious it is.

jellyrolly Sun 17-Mar-13 15:06:30

They aren't on facebook, I was going to try and get his name from the bride when I see her.

Basically I told the mother of the girl that I wanted to go to the police and she has asked me not to, she will not take it any further with the police. I hope she will change her mind. I don't know her that well but I can't understand how people let this go on, especially mothers themselves. In my opinion, if what she has told me is accurate, then there is no doubt about his man's intentions.

wrongsideoftheroad Sun 17-Mar-13 15:19:59

I agree with you.

Horrible position for you to be in sad

You must speak to the bride though, do you know her well? Will she be sympathetic? I just wondered, actually...if the guy has a 5 yr old daughter should you speak to social services? Obviously you'd need to know his name first though..

lilly40 Sun 17-Mar-13 15:24:32

If you don't want to openly report him to anyone at the wedding, find out his name any which way you can, and report him to crimestoppers. This man is a danger to children, and who knows what kind of danger his own daughter could be in.

I can understand you not wanting to spoil the memory of the wedding for the bride, but, children are involved, who have been put at risk of abuse, and his daughter could be being abused herself. Horrible situation, but, ultimately, can be solved without you incriminating yourself if you don't want to. Or you could ring NSPCC helpline or go on to their website and find out how to report someone.

Good luck x

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