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Husband's last day in office

(19 Posts)
fedupwithdeployment Fri 25-Jan-13 11:19:54

My DH is in a very similar situation. He recently left the forces after 25 years and is looking for a senior role in industry. He has done a number of course, worked on his linked in profile and done a lot of networking. Over Christmas he was a bit down, with no irons in the fire, but since then a couple of things have come up, both of which are promising, and one of which he is particularly excited about.

Day to day, he is "working" on finding a job most mornings.
He then does a few jobs (fixes his bike, stops a tap leaking etc)
Looking for a new bike shed / bike carrier for the car - spending a bit of money on extra things.
He is sorting the finances and paperwork out. He has used some redudancy money to reduce / pay off mortgages, and wants to make sure the children's savings are in a better shape.
He will also cook dinner sometimes / do some shopping.
He is doing a bit of exercise. Does your DH have any hobbies / golf etc?
DH has also applied and been accepted as a school governer which will take a bit of time.

We have kept the cleaner and the AP, and financially that is fine....if he doesn't have a job in September (God forbid) we will reassess.

We have had a holiday over Christmas, but are planning a long weekend in Feb, and going away at Easter....nothing very expensive, but morale boosting. If he gets a job, we'll splash out a bit!

susanann Fri 25-Jan-13 11:03:25

I dont see why he cant do the domestic stuff. You sound like you think its beneath him. But if he has said he will do it then let him. Im worried when you say hes a workaholic and that you dont see your kids as his "responsibility" as such. You came as a package surely? Just support him and encourage him. And yes I agree that a bit of time off could do him the world of good.

Flatbread Fri 25-Jan-13 10:20:56

I woukd divide his working week into three:

One-third of time looking for a job
One-third exploring setting up his own start-up
One-third learning a new skill or hobby -e.g., learning French, running, photography, golf, yoga, painting whatever

Then when you both are home, muck in and cook and do housework together

Best of luck. It can be hard!

Netguru Fri 25-Jan-13 09:29:02

To be honest those who are saying let him get on with it are right. I know they are - and he is more than capable.

I guess that having seen a man badly affected by redundancy, I'm trying to make sure that I do the right things.

Netguru Fri 25-Jan-13 09:26:49

Good question.

Yes giving up work is one of the things we talked about on holiday. We tried to sketch out what we both wanted next. He wanted a bigger job, I felt if he did this I would like to be at home. Clearly that is not an option until he is settled but we tried to draw up 10 year plan.

I guess I feel it makes a difference that they are my kids not his. He didn't want kids but has been brilliant with them.

snowmummy Fri 25-Jan-13 09:24:47

let him get on with it

snowmummy Fri 25-Jan-13 09:24:29

What would I do? I'm thinking that as he's an adult, and that you're financially ok and will be for a very, very long time, I'd quit worrying, let him get on with whilst supporting him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 25-Jan-13 09:22:45

If he wants to do that - get the kids, cook etc - why not?

There is nothing shameful in it, and you mustn't project your issues with it onto him. He is not your previous husband, he is himself. Perhaps he will enjoy having a bit more time to spend with the children and just doing normal everyday things? Not sure I understand your attitude really. You posted the other day saying you were thinking about giving up work, presumably to do precisely those things, so why not him?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 25-Jan-13 09:20:23

I think it is important that he treat the searching as a job. DH is a contractor so we have this periodically - and he spends a couple of hours every morning applying for jobs and reading the industry press to keep up with current developments.
Then he normally mucks in with childcare and so on in the afternoon - but our kids are much much younger so that is a slightly different situation.

Also though, he could look on this as a period of time to do something that interests him. It will realistically be 3 months minimum before he is in another job, by the time places have shortlisted, held interviews, completed ID checks and got references etc - assuming it is a permanent job rather than consulting/contracting that he wants to go into. So is there anything that he would really like to do that now would be a good opportunity for?

Netguru Fri 25-Jan-13 09:19:00

He's a workaholic. I think not having 101 things to do will make him feel directionless. Not sure how I can help with that but don't want to make things worse.

He's already saying he can get kids from school, cook tea, clean. I think that would be bad for his self esteem. (Cor - good job not posting on feminist board). Thing is we all muck in with household chores at weekends and I'm very happy to continue this so not a burden.

Netguru Fri 25-Jan-13 09:16:42

Sorry not clear. This is my second marriage. My first now XH was made redundant when I wasn't working.

purplewithred Fri 25-Jan-13 09:16:36

What do you think he is going to struggle with?

Netguru Fri 25-Jan-13 09:13:47

He's well set.

We just had a holiday in the Caribbean (got back Wednesday last week - timing complete coincidence) so I can't go away again. However we sort of knew it was coming so did talk a lot. We have another already booked and paid for in may.

He's just completed an MBA so well set that way.

Been with company 15 years.

My second marriage and exH lost huge amount of confidence and self esteem when made redundant (although we were in very different place financially so very stressful). Trying to work out how to help better this time.

Agree with maintaining child care arrangements to leave him free to look. I mustn't put any pressure in him at all to go for less suitable job (I have no inclination to) but he's never had one day since uni without an office to go to.

Marlinspike Fri 25-Jan-13 08:59:27

When my DH was out of work (also at senior level), he treated looking for work like a job in itself. He structured his day around job hunting time in the mornings, then doing other stuff ( bits & pieces around the house) in the afternoons. He found after a while that he had a tendency to string out small jobs into longer ones - eg going to the post office seemed to take a couple of hours - and he began to "potter around" (his words, not mine).

I think the key is to retain focus, but try not to get too anxious about the whole thing (easier said than done I know).

Oh, he beefed up his linkedin profile, and went on a few free courses run by the local businesslink (alas they are no more), and he did lots of legwork into setting up on his own, which might still be an option in the future.

Katisha Fri 25-Jan-13 08:51:48

I think the key thing while he is looking for the next job, after a holiday, is to look like he is keeping busy for his CV.
When this happened to my friend's DH he got some temporary business studies lecturing at the local college in the interim. Or he could approach a charity and offer his services?

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 08:50:24

I'd advise him to make the most of it and enjoy it! Times like this come along so rarely in life so he should enjoy the work-free time and not feel guilty about it.

I have been made redundant twice in the last ten years and each time I took between 6 and 9 months leave before starting a new job. I enjoyed every minute.

How long was he with this company for?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 25-Jan-13 08:45:41

He needs a plan. But I think a holiday sounds like a really good idea.

Nothing wrong with him cooking the dinner though!

ninedragons Fri 25-Jan-13 08:42:44

Personally, I would leave the DC with their grandparents/aunts/uncles and go to the Seychelles or somewhere for a fortnight. You need to regroup and discuss all your options in a stress-free environment and without distraction.

Netguru Fri 25-Jan-13 08:33:51

Exiting after a company sale. First time unemployed.

He is board/level and will be looking for another role.

We are absolutely fine financially and will be for very, very long time. But concerned at how to help him cope. Any tips?

I work btw and we have two dc at home (mine) 14 and 11. Don't want him to feel he has become child minder/skivvy.

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