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Friend wants money from me today for lodging costs.

(144 Posts)
Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 17:39:02

I had a fight with my partner 4 weeks ago and rung my friend saying we'd split up for good. She told me I could stay with them, wouldn't take no for an answer, and she picked me up from my house. I have known her 3 years, but her husband is my ex from years ago, so I have known him a long time and we have stayed friends (nothing more!!!!) - he said he would not see me go without or suffer and i could stay there as long as it took to get sorted. She said the same. Money was roughly mentioned saying i could "throw money in to contribute" as if i stayed permanently they would expect a 3rd of the rent and bills - about £65pw at a guess?? She told me to tell my ex partner i was staying there paying £25pw to stop him taking all the money from the joint account. I have chipped in to buy some food, cat food, fags, beer and a £10 bill they needed paying. I have used the shower and put some clothes in to wash when they did, used their wireless broadband, socket to charge my phone up every couple of days and used the kettle to make cups of tea. I have been going back to my house nearly every day to wash other clothes, cook food and use the shower.
Everything has been fine until she suddenly started being funny with me about 2 weeks ago and he was barely talking to me - I asked him if I'd done something wrong and he said no. I only thought I would be there for a couple of weeks but am having loads of trouble finding a new place to live - my alternative was to go home to a bad situation, which is not what I wanted, or go to a refuge miles away and I wouldn't be able to see my kids or go to work as I have no transport. He wrote me a note and left it for me on Thursday morning saying they wanted me out by Friday (last night) and they want £200 for services used/lodging money - they did not put a date they wanted it by. I asked why he couldn't talk to me about it and he said it was easier to write a note. I left Thursday morning after saying I would probably ring him today to sort out dropping money off (I didn't say how much though) and have now had a text from him today asking what time to expect the money as it is "due today". I don't have £200 spare as it would mean taking money from what I need to get a new house (advance rent) and I have no other savings, only enough in the bank left over for food etc till payday at the end of the month. He thinks I am abusing his trust now by not intending to pay - I have just text back saying no I'm not - I can pay in bits but not all at once. She has not text or spoken to me whatsoever - neither of them have asked if I am all right and if I have a roof over my head now / in the refuge etc. I would not have got through the last month if they hadn't taken me in and supported me through the split, but what do I do now????

FannyFifer Sat 03-Nov-12 23:35:43

Why are you not in the house with your kids, violent partner should be the one to leave.

Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:42:59

why are people having a go at me for leaving my kids and twisting what i've said? this is ridiculous!! my ex is NOT violent to my kids, they are perfectly safe, there is no "abandonment" - when my friend said she was coming to get me i wasn't thinking straight and my kids weren't in the house, they were at my ex's mothers anyway who didn't know what had happened - i didn't think i would be staying away at all, certainly not!! i wanted to go get my kids, but had no option as it was late on a friday night and i didn't want to upset them by making them leave as well - where was i supposed to go?
lisad - you need to read my posts properly i think! I have a mortgage, bills and food etc - i have nothing left after that - certainly haven't got £50 spare a week, lucky if I have £2 at the end of the week - do you not want me to pay my bills or feed my kids, same as my friend obviously doesn't???
Flojo - I have not been "fucking about with my mates" and I am looking after my kids - I am just not sleeping in the same house as them - they are fine, they understand - the kids aren't the issue here, it's my so called friends so please everyone stop with the nasty remarks, aimed at being a bad mother cos i'm not - i don't need it!! It was hard enough to leave as it was - i have left him, not my kids!!

RyleDup Sat 03-Nov-12 23:44:25

Why have you left without your kids op?

fatfingers Sat 03-Nov-12 23:45:13

You could collect your kids and go to the refuge with them.

RyleDup Sat 03-Nov-12 23:45:41


difficultpickle Sat 03-Nov-12 23:47:17

So you left your dcs without telling them? Sorry you are making no sense at all. What has stopped you collecting your dcs in the 4 weeks you've been away?

nancy75 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:47:59

So you are looking for somewhere else to live, what will happen about the mortgage then? You will have to have money to pay the rent wherever you go. Is the house just in your name?

Viviennemary Sat 03-Nov-12 23:49:44

If you've been there for four weeks I can't see what is wrong with them asking you for the £200 as it's not as if you've only stayed a couple of nights. And you said you'd be paying £65 per week which works out more than the £200 they have asked you for. Still they should have made it clearer what was expected.

Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:50:37

There is no chance of my kids witnessing any violence in the future as we have split up - i don't need to go to a refuge, and i'm not putting my kids in one either, i will be sorted soon with a house, so i need my job and the kids in school for stability. No legal stuff is involved - the relationship is ended, we will share residency, no problem - we have got past the bad stuff now, and social services don't have a problem as we've already spoke to them about the situation.
If anyone wants to say anything constructive about the friend situation, please do so!!

difficultpickle Sat 03-Nov-12 23:50:42

If you are paying the bills and the mortgage then why aren't you living there with your dcs and your partner leaves instead of you. If it is your house you should ask him to leave. Sounds like you need to get better legal advice than whomever you consulted in the last 4 weeks.

missymoomoomee Sat 03-Nov-12 23:52:05

But you have left your kids confused the longer you stay away from them the less chance you have of getting them back again. You need to get your kids and go to a refuge asap if he has been violent to you. You say he has never been violent to the kids, but you have been there for him to take his anger out on, where will he aim it now?

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sat 03-Nov-12 23:55:15

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 03-Nov-12 23:55:37


It's your house
He's violent
You left your kids with him for an unknown period

The friend wanting money is the least of your problems - or shoul

lisad123 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:55:55

Well I'm a bit confused then, because in your post you say it would mean taking money from money saved for new house "advanced rent" so either you have enough to save or you have £2 spare, which is it?

The reason people are getting funny on here is because you have spent four weeks not living with your kids, who are currently living with your violent ex, when what you really should have done is gone to a shelter or refuge with them, called the police, maybe asked ex to move out or done something more.
From your posts it sounds like you spend four weeks at friends house for free, while you saved money to get a new place but with little thought of leaving kids with ex.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 03-Nov-12 23:56:10

... or should be ?

How old are your kids?

lisad123 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:57:22

Wow got past bad stuff in four weeks? hmm

BooyhooRemembering Sat 03-Nov-12 23:58:03

can i just point out that OP hasn't actually said her partner was the one responsible for the violence.

waltermittymissus Sun 04-Nov-12 00:00:42

So you've 'got passed the bad stuff' and had SS involved then not involved in 4 weeks?

You're paying a mortgage so you can't afford to pay your friends money but you can afford rent on another property?

You haven't left your children but you don't live with them?

You took the piss, staying with them, contributing pretty much nothing for FOUR weeks. Meanwhile you didn't even attempt to have your children removed from someone who is physically violent. You should be utterly ashamed of yourself.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sun 04-Nov-12 00:01:07

ah, v true. just "it was violent at home"

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 04-Nov-12 00:01:34


you do realise that now your the nrp and your violent ex is the pwc dont you?

i shouldnt even worry about your friends at all, they havent helped you at all they have totally fucked you over they are not friends.

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:02:09

Vivienne - again, please let me explain - I never agreed £65 a week, nothing was agreed. They knew I had no spare money as I had just paid all the bills from my wages that week - i have to wait for tax credits for food each week - i don't have spare money any week!!
The house is up for sale anyway so mortgage won't be a problem much longer.
bisjo - everything was explained to the kids - i naively thought i would get emergency housing till i got sorted - i now know the council are no help as there is just none available and what is around private, is too expensive or needs a clean credit history - which I haven't got!

BooyhooRemembering Sun 04-Nov-12 00:03:05

maybe that explains why dcs are still with him and not with OP.

fatfingers Sun 04-Nov-12 00:03:10

Did you have any arguments with your friends whilst you were there OP? How did you behave in general - do you think you could have annoyed or offended them?

missymoomoomee Sun 04-Nov-12 00:03:20

Well spotted Booyhoo I assumed it was him that was violent because she talked about going into a refuge, but I having re-read I think the op has been very careful about not mentioning who was the violent one..... hmm

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sun 04-Nov-12 00:03:54

if your kids were with you, you would have got help. so op, who was violent, you or him?

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