Caring or interfering?(4 Posts)
My issue is with my MIL. I have a 22MO & 6WO. My opinion & that of my friends is that I am a good & devoted mum with my children's well being, paramount in all I do.
My OH works full time & I am a full time housewife. Due to that, it is usually up to me to entertain any family that care to visit. My mum lives 50 mile away so don't see her much, my friends are all in the same family way as me & busy with their kids etc but my MIL is recently retired with a lot of time on her hands.
I have had issues with depression,anxiety & social inadequacy, I like to have a routine & do things in my own time to avoid stress, I am not the most sociable person & I'm very independent.
Since my MIL retired, she insists on visiting at least once a week & taking my toddler overnight once a month. When she visits, I am usually patronised & if I tell my daughter not to do something, she encourages her to do it & vice versa. I take great offence at any negative comments as a mum, I have 2 older kids from a previous relationship so I have experience yet she strives to find fault with me & take credit herself. She literally brought up her eldest grandson because of his inept mother & she seems to think that gives her control over my kids. When she's not putting me down or buying my daughters affection, she is usually probing me with questions about my relationship. I am drained by the time she leaves.
I think her visits are too often & too stressful, I spoke to my OH but just caused an argument, and I can't tolerate it much longer, what would you do?
It's difficult. Would it upset u if it was your mother? Or would u just tell your mother to stop? Once a week isn't too often I'm my opinion. Why don't you go out when she visits, time to yourself or do the food shopping? maybe try and explain how u feel. She may not relies she is doing it. I did this with my mil and things are better. I would love someone to have my children overnight once a month, try and enjoy it!
I wouldn't let it bother me as much if it was my own mum. I know I should enjoy it & just let the typical MIL comments go over my head. Maybe I am the one with the problem. I am stubborn & don't like help, I am sad deep down not seeing my own mum, so when MIL visits I spend it wishing it was my mum not her. Maybe a case of put up n shut up for me!
I suppose how often she visits is really down to the sort of family you are - some people see families a lot, others not so much - once a week if it is convenient would be plenty for me!
Try to stand back from the situation if you feel undermined - is it a big thing or not? What would you say to your mum if she did it? If it is something you really care about then tell her, quietly (and away from your dd) - just something like "Please don't do x again because I had already told DD she couldn't".
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