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Uncle might be long lost father. Would you give out his details? Bit long!

(19 Posts)
daisychainsaw Mon 22-Oct-12 20:57:11

A few weeks ago my mum received a letter from a local lady saying she was trying to trace my mums brother. Won't go into details but a serious family disagreement resulted in my mum (in fact most of our family of which there are few) vowing never to have contact with him again. This isn't hard as he has lived abroad for many years. My mum wrote back and said that she wasn't able to give out details as she felt it was inappropriate as she didn't know this lady. She also politely asked that this be the end of whatever the matter was and for the lady not to contact her again.

Anyway today she receives another (much longer) letter explaining that this lady was trying to contact my uncle as she believed he was her father. She knew his name and the area he lived in but felt that info from my mum could be her missing link. Really heart wrenching letter with info about herself and her family.

Mum is now quite upset. In her heart she wants to help this lady (she could be her niece after all) but my uncle is a nasty vindictive man who has caused nothing but upset and heartache to us over the years. Mums worried that if this lady makes contact with him and he finds out it was her that disclosed the information that he'll sue her! I'm a little suspicious but at the same time if she is genuine she deserves to know who her father is (even if she's more than likely to be incredibly disappointed when she does).

Wwyd? A simple google search of his name and the area he lives in does bring up his company details so really she should have thought to do that first as she implied in the first letter that she knew this information. Could there be any legal implications for passing on for example a company name? Obviously we wouldn't give her any libellous information (as much as I might like to!)

KennethParcell Mon 22-Oct-12 20:59:32

I would put them in touch. I don't think your mum can be the obstacle because she doesn't get on with her brother. Perhaps she could ring the woman and just be honest with her, 'this is where he lives but sadly we're not close. please come and visit me and my duaghter too?'.

JustFabulous Mon 22-Oct-12 21:00:48

Your uncle would have no grounds to sue your mother so put that out of your mind.

If you don't want to help, don't.

SkiBumMum Mon 22-Oct-12 21:01:50

Could you post the letter on to him with covering note saying "up to you what you do now"? If he's on google I'd be a bit wary of why she needs you tbh.

daisychainsaw Mon 22-Oct-12 21:04:10

That's what I thought and she's kind of drafted a letter saying just that. It's just he really can be a nasty piece of work and she's worried that there could be legal implications / data protection for passing on information without his permission.

daisychainsaw Mon 22-Oct-12 21:08:03

justfabulous thanks that's reassuring. I think mum does want to help she just doesn't want to be blamed by him for something that, if it is true, he should have stood up to years ago. Knowing him he'll be furious!

skibummum could do this but I don't think mum even wants that level of contact with him. I'll certainly put it to her though.

RillaBlythe Mon 22-Oct-12 21:08:04

Companies have to be publicly registered and listed don't they? I am no lawyer but I do not think there are any legal implications for you in passing on info that is actually in the public domain.

SeaShellsMyDogTrulySmells Mon 22-Oct-12 21:08:34

I think with adoption agencies they do not pass information on when people are looking for blood relatives, but pass the details of the person contacting on to the person they are contacting iyswim, so the ball is in their court. Then there is no breach of data protection and not un solicited contact.

Might be worth applying a similar approach here. If he doesn't get in touch, then so be it.

HeinousHecate Mon 22-Oct-12 21:11:17

i would probably be honest with her.

I don't have anything to do with him. I believe his details are available on google, but I have had no contact with him for X years and prefer to keep it that way.

daisychainsaw Mon 22-Oct-12 21:12:49

rillablythe that makes sense. He's in the US tho.

seashellsmydogtrulysmells love your name! Think this might be the way to go although like I said mum really doesn't want any level of contact with him at all.

imperialstateknickers Mon 22-Oct-12 21:14:48

Hecate has (as she so often does) got it bang on the nose.

daisychainsaw Mon 22-Oct-12 21:15:00

heinous I'd love to be honest with this poor lady and tell her to run, run for the hills as he's not a nice man and she's not missed out on anything but I doubt it would be appropriate!

daisychainsaw Mon 22-Oct-12 21:16:43

But yes in all honesty imperial i think you're right.

CookieRookie Mon 22-Oct-12 21:17:23

I don't know anything about the law so I'll leave that up to others more in the know.

What I will tell you is that needing to know 'your full genetic identity' is a very strong and deep need. It certainly was in me. She may not even care much about him but finally be at peace with who she is if she can find her biological father.

I thought, as did other members of my family and my dad, when I found him, that I'd all of a sudden want to be part of his life and hear tales of his childhood and be accepted. As it turns out I didn't. Once I knew for sure, through DNA testing, my need to know me was met and he was less important to me. He knew I was his and he left. His loss.

I hate to think what I'd still be living through had I not found him. The not knowing was horrible. A lost, limbo feeling I can't quite articulate. If it was within my power to help someone so they didn't have to feel that I know what I would do.

I hope it all works for all of you.

Kewcumber Mon 22-Oct-12 21:17:24

I would say:

"I'm afraid we fell out years ago and are no longer in touch however a simple google search of his name and the area he lives in does bring up his company details if that helps


daisychainsaw Mon 22-Oct-12 21:24:14

cookie I'm sorry that your search didn't have a happy ending. I doubt this one will either. I'm glad you finally got closure though. I'm a lone parent myself and although my ds knows who his dad is he rarely sees him I hope to god he doesn't ever have to face the heartache you describe.

Thanks kewcumber simple and honest is probably the way forward

SeaShellsMyDogTrulySmells Mon 22-Oct-12 21:28:23

smile my dog does smell, it is no lie grin

Best of luck, there is no easy solution.

daisychainsaw Mon 22-Oct-12 21:31:23

Ah but u wouldn't have her any other way. The smells my ds and my lovely dog produce are quite often rancid! grin

Kewcumber Mon 22-Oct-12 23:37:18

My suggestion comes from the position of being an adoptive parent and what I would like someone to say to DS if he goes in search of birth parents who aren't very nice.

I wouldn't want anyone to protect him from the truth - its his truth about his life and others don't have the right to withhold that from him even with the best of motives. Having said that I wouldn't expect people to put themselves out if they don't want to or put themselves in any danger/hassle.

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