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Custody and benefits

(2 Posts)
TiredofBeingTolerant Thu 18-Oct-12 10:41:25

I am a carer for one of my DC who has a chronic health condition for which we receive higher rate DLA (unfortunately this is relevant).

This DC's condition has deteriorated recently, which led his father and I to have a conversation about the future (his father and I aren't together). Herein, lies the problem.

Ex was the main carer for about a year when we first separated (I was a WOHM) and custody was split 50/50. About a year in it became obvious that ex had issues with depression and alcoholism and I helped him get into rehab. But I also took main residence of DC. Thing is, generally every time DC's condition worsens, the Ex will go binge drinking and he will disappear for a few days/weeks until he can sort himself out.

However, because of DLA and Carers allowance I receive about 800 PCM for caring for DS. Ex got around £1200 when he was caring for DS as he got tax credits and housing benefit. Ex does tend to mention all the money I'm 'rolling in' sometimes because I took over DC's care. (I have been the DC's main carer now for about four years).

After our latest deterioration, Ex mentioned that the care for DC is likely to increase in the near future - and that one of us will have no work prospects as we will have to dedicate ourselves to caring for the DC (not sure what he thinks I've been doing for the last four years tbh). He then mentioned that he has been thinking about taking on that role and giving up his current job. I've responded by saying not in a million years.

Ex thinks its a monetary issue - (it's really not, I could make double what I get in benefits) it's actually about stability for our DC and also providing the best possible care. The ex, when sober, is a brilliant hands on dad and has been having weekend stays for about three years (except when he goes on a binge, then as I said he goes missing). I also took part in his initial alcohol recovery and know that the stress of DCs illness is one of his trigger factors to drink and the isolation of being at home was a factor in his depression.

I need to know if my flat out if my refusal is reasonable. Ex's offer will keep being mentioned and I know that we will need to discuss it in further detail soon, but I also know he will be difficult, because he doesn't want here how his instability makes him a less than perfect father.

So its an AIBU/WWYD if you were in my situation?

TiredofBeingTolerant Thu 18-Oct-12 10:44:47

Also forgot to mention that I have strong suspicions that he has been drinking recently. He has been at hospital every day, which is great, but I suspect he is drinking in the evenings. It normally starts like this, with casual drinking but it always ends in binges. He has admitted having a glass or two recently but said that he is not drinking properly at the moment.

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