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WWYD playdates and persistently aggressive child

(13 Posts)
totallyupskittled Wed 17-Oct-12 11:29:27

A group of us and our DCs have been meeting up every week at each others' houses since our DCs were born. Some of the mums have had second DCs so it's quite a crowd and often mayhem!
All the kids have their moments but one child is always causing trouble and is often violent towards the others and sometimes towards the adults. This DC's mum is rubbish at disciplining him and it's often left to the other mums to deal with his behaviour. The other week he repeatedly jumped on DS which DS didn't like. Me and another mum told him off and finally him mum threatened to take him home then after a few tears she let him stay! It's got to the point where I really don't want this child at my house and influencing my DS who sometimes copies his behaviour and thinks of him as his friend. Our meet-ups are so much nicer and calmer when they can't make it.
So do I not invite them when it's my turn and cause awkwardness in the group and at playgroup pick-up (when the other mums will be coming to ours without them) or do I step out of our meet-ups and see the others on another day? I'm a bit worried that if I step out of the loop I'll lose a guaranteed chance to see them and for DS to play with his friends.

mrsconfuseddotcom Wed 17-Oct-12 11:37:00

Ooh, difficult! Do you have to seem the same group of Mums every week? Would personally feel suffocated by this...

I would take a step back. Start inviting one or two of the Mums with kids over at any one time. I wouldn't put up with naughty children and dopey mothers in my house!

totallyupskittled Wed 17-Oct-12 11:41:44

Thank you mrsconfused that is the way I want to go. Yes we see the same group although not everyone can make it every week. TBH feeding that many kids at teatime is becoming a nightmare! Trouble is it's so established that it's going to be very obvious and quite up front to break away. I'm trying to think of legitimate reasons to want to meet up in smaller groups when in reality all I want to do is have the others round without this one mum and child. Just don't want it to seem so personal.

totallyupskittled Wed 17-Oct-12 13:10:26

Do you think I'll come across as judgy mum if I tell the others why I'm opting out?

Rockchick1984 Thu 18-Oct-12 10:04:34

Personally I'd probably speak to the mum with the naughty DC. If you are close friends (which it sounds like you are) then I'd tell her your DC is upset about being jumped on etc, and you feel like if he's going to behave like that, you can't have your son upset by it. She may feel offended at first, but once she calms down she will realise she should be controlling him more and will deal with it do you can keep meeting up.

She will get offended if you simply stop inviting her anyway, at least this way you are giving her a chance to resolve it!

totallyupskittled Thu 18-Oct-12 10:11:39

Hi Rockchick. This is exactly what another mum in the group said "control your child or we'll have to opt out". She did improve for a while but it's still a problem. Don't really have much faith that it will make much difference but at least I'll have been honest I guess. Not a great friend, I must say, other issues which I won't go into make me not that bothered to stay in touch. Just feel bound to them by group loyalty IFKWIM.

Rockchick1984 Thu 18-Oct-12 10:20:55

I suppose the problem is, if you don't want her round to your house, you may find that the other members of the group feel forced to choose between inviting you, or her. If you are willing to (possibly) lose the full group then that's not a problem, but (for me) if I was one of the other friends and you suddenly stopped inviting her, I'd be more inclined to invite her and not you so she doesn't feel so bad, even if I'd prefer to invite you!

totallyupskittled Thu 18-Oct-12 10:25:16

yes that's exactly what I'm worried about and fair enough she'd feel left out and they'd feel sorry for her which I totally understand. I think the only way to opt out is to hope that they'll be up for other playdates on other days. I'm thinking of using something else as an excuse like the group is too big or work too stressful and I'd prefer smaller get togethers but eventually it'll become obvious that I'm never inviting them.

totallyupskittled Thu 18-Oct-12 10:26:28

Deffo not up for losing the rest of the group they're such brilliant friends.

Rockchick1984 Thu 18-Oct-12 10:29:55

Entirely up to you - but try to see it from her side as well. Personally I'd be gutted to suddenly stop being invited to something like that without being given a reason, or a chance to fix any problems. I really think a sit-down, calm conversation may fix it, and if it doesn't then at least you have tried your best.

totallyupskittled Thu 18-Oct-12 10:52:54

Do you think an email would be okay? I'm rubbish at bringing these things up face to face and would just babble incoherently or make it sound like much more than it would seem to her (I think I've become a bit over sensitive about it all).

Rockchick1984 Thu 18-Oct-12 11:27:43

I don't see why not, at least that way you can plan properly for what you want to say - she also may realise that you are serious, as the way it sounds like the other friend mentioned it was very heat-of-the-moment and she may not have thought it was so serious.

To look at it another way, you are helping her by telling her anyway - her DS won't keep many friends if he continues like this, and eventually will hit the wrong child and will get a punch!!

totallyupskittled Thu 18-Oct-12 14:31:34

Thanks Rockchick

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