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Do I go to brother's wedding?

(256 Posts)
RainQueen Mon 15-Oct-12 08:23:06

My brother is getting married next year but has decided not to have any children at the wedding. My children are the only children in the family. They are 2, 3, 5 and 6.

I was fine with their decision but said that as my DH and I have no childcare and the wedding is 5 hours from our home I wouldn't be going but we could have a celebration seperately after the event.

This all seemed to be agreed until I got an e-mail from my Mum begging me to go and alying it on thick about it being my brother's one wedding etc etc. I thought this was just my Mum getting emotional so I rang my brother to get his opinion.

I was shocked that he said he expected me to attend and would not forgive me if I didn't. It is possible for me to go on my own (DH would have to saty with the DCs) but it would mean my DH rearranging a busy work scedule and me staying away for 2 nights, including my DS's 7th birthday. Financially, it would be a stretch but as my brother pointed out I have been given a year's notice!

I have never stayed away before and don't really want to go on my own. However, I don't want to fall out over this. When DH and I got married it was a registry office with two witnesses so I have never understood the fuss over weddings!

Anyway, WWYD? I have a feeling I will have to go to keep the peace but I am upset that I will have to leave my DCs and go on my own.

QuintessentialShadows Mon 15-Oct-12 10:28:12

Why cant your dh take the weekend off? It is a year away, surely work should be able to arrange a replacement?

Why can you not all go, make a weekend of it, and on the night of the wedding, get a sitter in with the kids? Or bring a friend to look after them?

I am sure, if you really wanted to, you would see a way out of this.

Ask your brother if he could suggest some child care options at the venue?

pumpkinsweetie Mon 15-Oct-12 10:30:19

I think your own dcs birthday is much more important than a wedding.
Did your brother get no say in the date?
I'm assuming this is a case of bridezilla?

5 hrs is a very long journey, with or without the children and to be fair such a long distance to be away from your dc which are all under 6.
I don't think it's fair that you are expected to attend, yet your 4 dc have not been though of in their planning.

pumpkinsweetie Mon 15-Oct-12 10:31:14

thought of

YouSmegHead Mon 15-Oct-12 10:33:26

He's had 7 years notice of your ds birthday!

If you put conditions/restrictions in place you have to understand that will hinder people. I would remind him that as they are the only children in the family this rule has basically been directed at you and your children, you could have chosen to take offense however as an adult have respected his decision and he needs to do the same.

YouSmegHead Mon 15-Oct-12 10:34:40

Btw I'm not a raving kids must be at weddings person, in fact at mine only immediate relations kids were invited (meant 30 others weren't) but I did that understanding that it might mean some people couldn't attend.

pictish Mon 15-Oct-12 10:35:04

I think wedding trumps birthday. If this were me I'd explain to my child that I had to go to a wedding on their birthday, but that they would either celebrate with dad, or when I get back.

A wedding is a one off so I think it gets priority over a birthday. Even a child's.

I can't comment on the other stuff.

YouOldSlag Mon 15-Oct-12 10:41:57

Fine to have a child free wedding
Fine to have a wedding miles away from where guests live

NOT FINE to kick off when guests can't come because of the conditions you have set out. You have four kids under seven. where does your DB expect you to put them? in kennels? you have no child care, your family is at his wedding, your kids are not allowed to be there, so what the hell are you expected to do?

Your brother is being an arsehole. You don't even have to confirm that he doesn't have kids of his own, because it's obvious he doesn't and cannot empathise with people who do. I'm amazed your mother isn't supportive actually, they are her GCs after all.

I don't know what to suggest as I am lucky enough to have a DB who included my DS to his wedding and wouldn't have considered it any other way.

picturesinthefirelight Mon 15-Oct-12 10:56:35

Nothing comes before my child's birthday, wedding or not. I'm a mother. My children come first.

QuintessentialShadows Mon 15-Oct-12 10:58:54

"Nothing comes before my child's birthday, wedding or not. I'm a mother. My children come first."

Really? grin

picturesinthefirelight Mon 15-Oct-12 10:59:18

Yes really

picturesinthefirelight Mon 15-Oct-12 10:59:46

It was bad enough I had to work til 8pm on dd's birthday this year.

pictish Mon 15-Oct-12 11:00:40 trumps birthday. Be sensible.

picturesinthefirelight Mon 15-Oct-12 11:01:39

I would not leave my child on their birthday to attend someone else's social occasion.

pictish Mon 15-Oct-12 11:03:07

Not social occasion, wedding.

picturesinthefirelight Mon 15-Oct-12 11:04:31

Social occasion

pictish Mon 15-Oct-12 11:04:53

So's a birthday then.

picturesinthefirelight Mon 15-Oct-12 11:05:11

But neither me or my brother would ever dream of excluding each others children from a family occasion.

pictish Mon 15-Oct-12 11:05:13

Except that a wedding is a more important one.

picturesinthefirelight Mon 15-Oct-12 11:05:38


Choice between my child or my brother. My child wins.

picturesinthefirelight Mon 15-Oct-12 11:05:57

He's big enough to look after himself smile

picturesinthefirelight Mon 15-Oct-12 11:06:21

Depends I. Your point of view which is more important.

pictish Mon 15-Oct-12 11:07:25

You can conduct your wedding any way you like. So can the OP's brother.
I'm not getting into the child free weddings debate. It's a case of each to their own, and a wedding still trumps a non significant birthday.

ivykaty44 Mon 15-Oct-12 11:07:30

If it is important to them that you attend then it will be important to them to assist you in sorting out a solution to their rules in banning children from their wedding.

Put it to them to come up with a solution - their end

QuintessentialShadows Mon 15-Oct-12 11:08:35

Do you really think you are doing your child a favour making such a big thing about something which quite frankly happens every year, to every living being on the planet?

I can picture this child as a petulant and entitled, inflexible adult, who will post here in years to come, moaning that not enough emphasis was put on their birthday by their partner, children, pets, grandparents....

CelineMcBean Mon 15-Oct-12 11:08:55

I think you need to make the effort and you're being a bit wimpy about it all. There is one wedding but dc have birthdays every year and they don't always fall on a weekend so parties etc have to be moved - why the world should revolve around one child's birthday seems odd and certainly no more deserving than it revolving around one db for a couple of days.

But maybe it's because the idea of 2 whole nights childfree sounds heavenly to me!

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