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Please save my sanity

(13 Posts)
WorriedAsUsual Thu 20-Sep-12 09:40:05

I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and I really had no clue where to put this but I really just want some advice on what I should do.

I feel like I am going mad and just banging my head against a brick wall on lots of different levels. This will be long no doubt, so will try and make it as brief as I can.

My DD is 9. For the past 3+ years, she has been wetting herself. It started off just at nights, then progressed to daytime as well. We take her to a clinic at the hospital who have gotten us to give her lactulose twice a day to help her clear her bowels, as well as to drink more and eat more healthily. We've been seeing this clinic for over a year, and though I do my best to remind DD to drink, eat more fruit/veg, go to the toilet etc, we are not going anywhere. This past week, DD hasn't been drinking her water bottle at school (she needs to be drinking at least 1.5 litres a day). She's been wetting herself before we even leave the house to go to school and everytime she does wet herself, she doesn't change.

Yesterday I realised before we left for school she had wet herself and hadn't changed. I told her off and said that after school she was going to sit down for 20 minutes doing nothing but write down why she thinks she wets herself and doesn't change and isn't making a considerable effort to improve. She wrote she gets easily distracted and too absorbed in other things to remember. I understand this, she is 9 and playing a game or reading is much more important to her than remembering to go toilet or to drink. However, even after we had a long discussion last night about it, this morning before we went to school, she had wet herself again and had been like that for 20 minutes without changing. I am so angry, and this was 1.5 hours ago and I am still so angry. I told her she will be punished when she comes home, and I am going to make her change her bed and do her washing, as the woman we see at the clinic has told us that DD needs to now take responsibility for her washing because at the moment, she has no incentive to change really.

On top of that, I'm having such issues with money. I'm 36 weeks pregnant. DP works nights and in London. He spends about £250-300 on travel each month. At the end of each month, we are struggling. We are behind in our rent and in some of our utility bills. At the beginning of the year, I had to take out a DRO as I just couldn't afford my bills/debts. We have more going on than we do coming in. DP has put in for a transfer at work to move to a more local location particularly since he's rarely going to be around when baby is here with the way he works (works nightshifts and sleeps during day). I've been looking out for jobs for him but they are few and far between. I feel like we are stuck and there's nothing we can do at the moment. I've also had my ex's mother contact me to tell me that he is struggling with money at the moment and whether I would take a reduction in the amount he gives me over the next couple of months, despite that he works full time and lives at home with his parents and doesn't pay them anything... hmm

I was on anti-deps before I was pregnant, and have come off them because I am PG, but I'm really struggling at the moment. I just want to cry and cry, though I know there's no point as it'll get me nowhere. But I just feel very much alone and frustrated and useless at the moment. I have noone I can talk to as DP just says "oh don't worry, we'll be fine, we always are" but we are never fine because there is always a problem! I just don't want to do this anymore.

cheekybarsteward Thu 20-Sep-12 13:29:04

I really hope someone comes on here and gives you some experienced advice but I would be taking her back to the hospital and making a menace of myself because I cannot believe your DD would 'choose' this behaviour?
This surely does not go down well with her peers?
IMO I don't think you should be punishing her and she is not telling you she has done it because she is frightened of your reaction.
I think there may be more to this than diet etc. Maybe a physical problem or maybe with all the stress in the house this is how it is affecting her?
It is strange that this is getting worse?
I don't think your DD is getting the help she needs.
I hope someone can help you and things improve

WorriedAsUsual Thu 20-Sep-12 19:36:04

Thank you cheekybarsteward. It is very frustrating, and for the most part I don't punish DD as like you say, I know she doesn't choose to be like this, or wants to be like this. I know she gets embarrassed, she use to hide her dirty underwear from me in her room rather than go put it in the wash. I can understand how embarrassing it is.

When I do see the consultant, she always makes me feel like such a terrible parent for not having got DD to improve. I give DD her medicine, I remind her to drink and to go to the toilet. But I can't do much more than that really? I try my best to be supportive and to not make a big deal about it, which usually is the way I am, but the past couple of days I admit I've been very frustrated with her.

I know roughly where it all started. She doesn't have a great relationship with her father. She rarely sees him, and he makes very little effort with her. He still lives at home with his parents, and so when DD stays overnight (she usually stays with his sister because she gets on better with her), usually she's spending most time with his parents rather than him as according to DD, he stays in his room and doesn't do anything with her unless he's forced to. On more than one occasion, DD has heard his mum say to him "you need to take DD out to the park/spend time with DD etc" to then hear him respond "why do I have to?" So when DD does see them, she concentrates on spending her time with his parents and his sister who are fantastic with her and really make an effort with her.

I know DD gets very upset by ex's behaviour. He makes me beyond angry, but no matter how many times I get involved and tell him what I think and try to help DD's situation, he doesn't do anything. I sometimes wonder if he actually wants nothing to do with DD but is forced to due to his family. The thought makes me feel sick.

The consultant is aware of this situation. I had spoken to our GP and asked about some kind of counselling so that DD has someone to talk to that is biased and separate from the situation.

I just feel very stuck, as it's been going on so long, and I feel useless. I wish I could make DD better. I know it's not her fault and that she wants to be better.

cheekybarsteward Thu 20-Sep-12 20:30:27

He is a shit, maybe speak to her about whether she would be happier to not have to put herself through that rejection and have a bit of a break from him?
She could still see her aunt and gps away from him do you think?
She shouldn't have to go through that, I bet it breaks your heart? He doesn't deserve a child.
I wonder if a different approach where he is concerned might help her?
You could do with moving this thread to get more traffic. I really want someone with experience to help you

poachedeggs Thu 20-Sep-12 20:38:04

I agree with the suggestion to offer her the opportunity to spend time with the family members who make an effort for her. It may be a relief not to see him.

I'm also shocked that with a background which amounts to parental rejection the medics aren't more actively investigating psychological issues as a cause of her urination.

Don't beat yourself up about getting angry with her. You've got way more to deal with than you can easily cope with just now. Make a noise at the hospital.

FarrowAndBollock Thu 20-Sep-12 21:58:57

As Poached eggs says above sad

mamij Thu 20-Sep-12 22:10:29

Don't know what to say that would help but didn't want to read and run. Hope your DD is getting on in school/with friends ok despite this. Hugs.

AugustMoon Thu 20-Sep-12 22:20:57

It sounds like you're having a really tough time and are very stressed. By no means am I criticising, and I don't want to upset you but - being a massive stress-head myself with a DS (6) who wets the bed regularly - I wouldn't rule out stress or psychological distress as a cause for you DDs wetting either. Being pg is stressful in itself and exhausting and I know it must be so difficult to have to deal with a 9yo wetting herself and medicine, regimes etc so perhaps just trying to put less pressure on her, and yourself. Easier said than done I know.
Perhaps just try to remind her, nonchalantly, on a regular basis, hourly, to go to the toilet but otherwise don't mention it.
I really hope things improve for you.

cheekybarsteward Thu 20-Sep-12 22:29:45

As an afterthought I used to make a really big deal and a little bribe/reward when DD managed a dry night.
Maybe the positive attention would help?

WorriedAsUsual Fri 21-Sep-12 13:22:53

Thanks everyone for your messages. I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed and upset than I did yesterday.

cheekybarsteward the visits are far and few in between anyway as he's not local. We're having to see him next week as we're going to his sister's wedding, which DD will be a bridesmaid at, which she's really looking forward to. But then the other night she asked me if he will be there, as she was hoping he wouldn't be since he spends most of his time in his room. I do try with the good incentives as well. My mum came up with a good idea of buying her new bedding, so when that is on the bed, DD tries her best not to wet herself during the night and it does work.

Poachedeggs and mamij I will do. We have an appointment next month, and I will bring it up. Our GP is very good and understands the situation better, so hopefully with her input we will get somewhere.

AugustMoon thank you. It is a very stressful time, and I am trying my best to not be over critical. I do hate myself for having those moments where I end up being angry like yesterday.

cheekybarsteward Fri 21-Sep-12 14:27:17

You are going to get angry sometimes, you are not a robot sad
It does look like from what you say about the wedding that she would prefer not to see him. He obviously has a detrimental effect on her self-esteem, poor lamb sad
That is a great idea about the bed linen, I did that also.
It seems its confidence building actions like that that will work.
I really hope your GP will give her some extra help. ( A pill that turns your x into a decent human being might help?)
I hope you feel less stressed today thanks

poachedeggs Fri 21-Sep-12 22:40:36

I've been thinking about this.I'm wondering, has anyone ever explained to her that she doesn't have to see him if she doesn't want to? That she wouldn't be letting anyone down and if that's what she wanted to do she'd be supported?

I just wonder if she'd feel better just knowing that having contact with him is optional and her choice. At that age you feel like adults make all the decisions.

WorriedAsUsual Sun 23-Sep-12 15:57:02

cheekybarsteward thanks, it is difficult. And I've started a new thread to see what response I'll get here.

poachedeggs it's a difficult situation. He lives about 120 miles away, so it's not often he sees her anyway. When he does see her, it's either because his parents are coming to visit, so he tags along (or possibly is forced to go, I don't know) and when she goes up there to visit. The past year she has been going up there a bit more than she would usually as she's a bridesmaid for his sister so has had to go to dress fittings etc. Everytime she visits, she stays with his sister, except that one time I mentioned where she stayed at his parents (he still lives at home) and he was just stuck in his room and not doing anything with her...

He drives, has a car, works full time, lives at home, so in my eyes, doesn't really have any excuse to not come down and see her on his own. Obviously there may be other factors that could stop him, but from what I've seen and been told by DD, it feels like he just can't be bothered. I would like to tell him to get lost to be quite honest. I haven't said to her she doesn't have to see him if she doesn't want to, but I have told her she doesn't have to feel like she needs to spend time with him if she doesn't want to, and can focus on spending time with her grandparents and aunt who obviously do adore and love her.

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