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Do I talk to the school - help me to decide!

(14 Posts)
virgiltracey Thu 22-Sep-11 16:52:35

So DS2 started school 2 weeks ago. in his class is a little boy we know socially. Not particularly well, a friend of a friend, but I like his mother and we often have a quick chat, have mutual friends etc. DS2 and this little boy (also 4) have never really clicked. Over the summer for example DS2 was saying "Oh no X is in my class".

DS2 has been saying since he started school that none of the boys in his class talk to him or play with him. They all play with X because X is so cool and X doesn't let DS2 play. I'm not too troubled over that - DS2 will make friends he's a confident and outgoing little boy and DS1 is also in the school in year 2 and so far DS2 has played with DS1 and so its not a though he's standing on his own all playtime..

However today DS2 has come home and said that when he goes near him X kicks him and says to him "F* off you F***er". DS2 has never used or been exposed to language like this (and in fact asked me what a f***er is!).

My first thought was that I need to mention to the teachers at school. But then I wondered whether I should talk to the mother about it. I really don't know. If I tell school they will tell the parents (but wouldn't mention my name) so it preserves the relationship with the mother. If I tell her it saves school being involved but it would be incredibly awkward to raise.


GypsyMoth Thu 22-Sep-11 16:59:50

Chances are he's already sworn in school and are on to it!

HattiFattner Thu 22-Sep-11 17:01:21

tell the school - they wont say who has complained, but at least a) they will be aware and b) they can stop the kicking too.

tethersend Thu 22-Sep-11 17:06:02

Definitely tell the school- it's happening under their watch. They need to know, and will be pleased you've told them so they can address it.

virgiltracey Thu 22-Sep-11 17:18:39

Telling the school was my first reaction. I feel a bit mean doing it though. She is so lovely and will be mortified to be spoken to at school and it is the school's policy to always talk to parents when a child has misbehaved.

Mind you I really wouldn't fancy mentioning it to her either. Plus x is very much a precious only child and the parenting style is very much "X darling its not nice to hit Y, I know you didn't mean to though" and so I'm not actually convinced that telling her would change the behaviour.

Plus obviously I don't want DS2 being kicked or sworn at at school.

sittinginthesun Thu 22-Sep-11 17:20:48

Mention it to school, they will keep an eye out. I wouldn't think they would tell the mum unless they actually see it themselves.

mpsw Thu 22-Sep-11 17:32:44

It's happening in the school - talk to the teacher.

virgiltracey Thu 22-Sep-11 17:57:38

Hmm DH has just come back and thinks I should tell the mother on the basis that if it was DS2 we'd far rather try to deal with it ourselves and not have the school gain a bad impression of him in the very early days.

I'm still prefering telling the school I think!

overthemill Thu 22-Sep-11 18:01:10

no, you should talk to the school and mention that as you know mum socially you are a bit embarrassed. they will have loads of experience with this. it is a school issue - bet he doesn't do it to lovely mum!

sittinginthesun Thu 22-Sep-11 18:05:08

No no no, don't talk to the mum! Tell school. They will watch and deal if necessary, and it doesn't become personal. They may not even tell the mum, if they can deal with it direct.

thebody Thu 22-Sep-11 18:53:33

dont talk to the mum, really really bad idea as she will become defensive and it will break the relationship.

telling the school can also cause problems, my friend did just this and asked foir sensitivity but the teacher told the parent what she had said and all hell broke loose between former friendly mums.

I had this so I invited the bully to tea and then we had a discussion about name calling, fighting and being nasty(me ds and friend) i got down to his eye level and ( while ds was out of the room) basically warning him that I knew what he was doing and if it didnt stop asap I would tell his mum and the school
and he would be in big trouble. then I gave him a chocci bar and didnt mention it again, trouble stopped, bullies are cowards and if they know you on to them then they usually back down.

virgiltracey Thu 22-Sep-11 19:07:53

he's 4 though Thebody.

Have told Dh that if he thinks its such a good idea to tell the mum then maybe he'd like to do it. I think he's now coming around to my viewpoint grin

virgiltracey Sat 24-Sep-11 09:43:02

Told the school. There was quite a telling look on the TAs face (she was in the room at the time I spoke with the teacher) indicating that they might have been having a few problems.

It was slightly amusing. Teacher is lovely but I think she expected me to say it was "poo head" or something of that nature. She looked totally shocked when I told her it was F* off F***er! grin

DanFmDorking Mon 26-Sep-11 21:21:53

Just to add – keep a diary of events – date, time, what was said, what happened and who you talked to.
This will be very useful if there are problems later.

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