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Quick advise neeeded. Found a FB conversation I wish I hadnt.

(45 Posts)
Portofino Tue 13-Sep-11 19:27:29

DH is just taking dd to bed. It is eating me up a bit so I HAVE to say something tonight. Basically - I think this a very old gf. She is married and lives 100 s of miles away so I doubt anything has happened ever. But he says he cant stop thinking about her. She says she thinks of him as friends only, but feels bad that she ever put temptation in his way. Now they are apparently in a good place.

I dont know what to make of this. I posted a while ago that he posted I love my wife, there I said it (sorry have Azerty keyboard and cant find inverted commas) I have to pull him on this? I wasn;t snooping - I opened Facebook and clicked on messages, not realising the account was his - we have many joint friends....

Portofino Tue 13-Sep-11 19:28:18

advice, even....

activate Tue 13-Sep-11 19:30:57

it's a conversation

I'd forget it

you're allowed to look in a cake shop window when on a diet, and you're allowed to have thoughts about people when married

it's acting on it that's the problem

so does he treat you badly? do you have a good relationship? are you happy generally?

leave it alone

AnyFucker Tue 13-Sep-11 19:31:53

Yes, you have to pull him on this

It will eat away at you otherwise

I am so sorry, but I could not let this go

sheeplikessleep Tue 13-Sep-11 19:32:09

Oh Portofino.
If it were me, I'd approach DH and ask him for an explanation as to what happened and how he feels about her.
Hope you get the answers you want. You don't know the full story, but you are entitled to know it.

DecapitatedLegoman Tue 13-Sep-11 19:33:44

I can identify and would also have to talk about it. I think be honest about finding it and let him talk. Don't formulate any ideas until he's talked. I really feel for you <sneaky hug>

AnyFucker Tue 13-Sep-11 19:35:32

wow...the first 2 posts are completely contradictory

Personally, I would need to know the form of that "temptation she put in his way" and why he is still messaging her to say he can't stop thinking about her

it sounds like something may have happened, and it it didn't, that he very much wishes it would sad

I would not live with a man who was wishing he was somewhere (or with someone) else (if these are recent messages)

Portofino Tue 13-Sep-11 19:36:45

AF - quite! I am very upset about this.

BelleEnd Tue 13-Sep-11 19:36:48

I would pull him up on it also. I think it's perfectly natural to have crushes, but it was a bit shitty of him to tell her. Hope you're okay sad

SayCoolNowSayWhip Tue 13-Sep-11 19:37:26

Yeah what AnyFucker said, I personally would not be able to let this lie. A note of caution though, I wouldn't necessarily go in all guns blazing; he hasn't done anything wrong.

Hope it works out for you.

tethersend Tue 13-Sep-11 19:37:44

Agree with AF- you can't 'unknow' this. You need to talk to him about it.

sheeplikessleep Tue 13-Sep-11 19:39:12

Porto - can you speak with him and find out the full story?

Portofino Tue 13-Sep-11 19:42:16

I will do. He travels a LOT with work, and trust is a very big thing for me. He has never, ever given me reason to doubt him before, so finding that has made me think entirely differently. It may well be a bit of wishful thinking to his youth, but still.....

sheeplikessleep Tue 13-Sep-11 19:45:44

Hope there isn't as much to it as you're fearing

AitchTwoOh Tue 13-Sep-11 19:46:16

och, that is a bummer of a note to find, i am sorry. it may mean absolutely nothing, you know, it's okay for someone to think fondly of a past love, it really doesn't necessarily have any bearing on the present. you have to speak to him tonight, but try not to accuse... we all have our lost loves, it doesn't mean that we aren't very happy where we are.

Portofino Tue 13-Sep-11 19:52:39

Shes in another country and I cant see anyway they could have met up recently - well yes if he was total, complete lying bastard it might have been possible. I am thinking this is more emotional than physical if anything at all. Still, I think the message thread had some posts deleted midway. The way it imagination runs overtime.

MumblingRagDoll Tue 13-Sep-11 19:53:05

I hope you are ok...I would be very upset indeed...I hate my DH discussing our private business with anyone....if he did something like this it would hurt because its risky....he's risked your feelings and they ARE hurt.

I dont think it sound anythiing other than a silly flirty thing...but I also think thi is why exes and FB dont mix.

I would have him remove her now.

AnyFucker Tue 13-Sep-11 19:54:41

Porto, you said he travels a lot for work

I am sorry, but that rings alarm bells

Nagoo Tue 13-Sep-11 19:59:48

I'd delete her from his account.

And then tell him why.

I hope that nothing has happened, from what you are saying it is unlikely he will have 'done anything' but he still shouldn't have been messaging her in that way.

I would also send her a message and tell her that their conversation was inappropriate and not to contact either of you again. Then block her.

AnyFucker Tue 13-Sep-11 21:19:33

I can only speak for myself

But if this were to happen, I would still have unanswered questions

This lets him off the hook, big-style

LoveInAColdClimate Tue 13-Sep-11 21:21:24

I'm so sorry this has happened. I second Nagoo's thoughts.

Portofino Tue 13-Sep-11 21:52:54

Right then. I told him that I seen a conversation on FB that had upset me. He didn't get defensive. He volunteered lots of info (assuming I had read it) of when the conversation started - several months back. (I hadn't seen any of this). So apparently she was a very, very old gf back to his days at sea (in the 70s/early 80s). He has connected with lots of his old P&O ship mates since he joined FB.

So they reminisced about the old days, and she apparently started chatting about how much she had enjoyed certain things, and mentioned that if he ever wanted to meet up, she wouldn't mind resurrecting things. He told her that he wasn't up for that, but hey, yes it was fun way back when. He says, yes, he does think about her from time to time and that was what he meant.

So when she wrote "She says she thinks of him as friends only, but feels bad that she ever put temptation in his way. Now they are apparently in a good place. " it was her that gave him the come on. Dh does understand why I am upset, says he understands how it might read.

AnyFucker Tue 13-Sep-11 21:55:09


Are you glad you confronted him ?

Portofino Tue 13-Sep-11 22:03:28

Yes - definitely!

You read such tales on here, that even though I inherently trust him, the seeds of doubt are there.

It led to a much larger discussion about family life, and we have agreed to make some much needed changes. I like a good old emotional clear out. We will see how it goes. Thank you everyone for your advice!

I have to add that his FB account is generally accessible to me - I have never snooped before, and am not sure what I might do the NEXT time he leaves the page open. I have lost something a bit precious I think.....

DecapitatedLegoman Tue 13-Sep-11 22:07:24

Porto I am so glad for you and I know what you mean about the loss of something precious. It's like you feel something that he's meant to have protected you from. I have been there with the FB unwanted discovery. In my case it was a bit less harmless than yours - only a little bit, there was flirtation which hurt me a lot - but we have recovered from that. I got a message from an ex of 15 years ago just today on FB and was about to reply when I thought better of it. It's a can of worms. Take care.

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