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About the child next door (long)

(26 Posts)
ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 09:07:12


I don't generally do confrontation, but I fear that is what is coming.

Child next door same age as my DD1 (almost 13) my DD2 is 10 and her brother is 4.

No one is allowed in next door after 6pm as brother has to get ready for bed and her mother and father like time to themselves.

New term, new rules were implemented - no one in until DD1 has finished her homework (DD1 and child from next door go to different schools)

My DD1 is sporty and does sports activities after school every day except Friday and as a result is picked up at 4.45. By the time we get home it's 5pm, she has half an hour downtime, then gets her tea and goes up to do homework.

The child next door is constantly in my house. She's got attitude in spades and I find her difficult - if we go anywhere, she wants to come. If we go out inthe car and she doesn't know where we are going she will ring or text DD1 to say "where are you where have you gone when will you be back why are you going there". She literally watches to see if my car pulls out of the drive and I find it incredibly intrusive.

(FWIW her mother also watches and asks "who was that in suchnsuch a car the other day")

So, yesterday, we came home, had tea, had to nip out again, child from next door phones DD1 while we are in the car "Where are you why have you gone out where are you going when will you be back" DD1 told her and said when she would be back and then also said "But mum says you can't come in until my homework is done I'll call for you when I'm finished"

I am feeling grotty due to a wasp sting - am on strong anti-hists and am heading to the doc this pm as I think it's infected, my leg is swollen up and I have a huge purple patch on my shin bigger than my hand. I can't get shoes on because my ankle and toes are so puffy.

So, last night I went for a bath. Came down in my jammies at 8pm and there was child from next door in my living room with DD2. I said "<insert child name> I told you last week no one in until DD1 has finished her homework"

And she said "I'm seeing DD2"

And I didn't have the strength to argue.

I know I need to knock this on the head as I go back into 2nd year of uni in a couple of weeks and I am a single parent and I just don't want her in all the time. How do I tell her without causing offence?

(Sorry it's long didn't want to do an AIBU by stealth)

ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 09:08:20

Oh and I told her she had to go home at 8.30 as DD2 has to get ready for bed.

I was on the phone and didn't chase her out the door - started to try to get rid of her at 8.45, she eventually left at 9pm.

And DD2 was hell on wheels this morning to get out to school.

ConstanceNoring Tue 13-Sep-11 09:17:57

You say "new term, new rules were implemented' how did this come about, did you chat with the girl or the Mum?

I think I would talk to the Mum and say "I know we had the chat about rules starting in the new term but it doesn't seem to be working, fitting the homework, meal, after school activities in, so I'm sorry, now they're getting older and the homework becomes more important we'll have to keep the visits to weekends only from now on"

ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 09:22:02

Constance - spoke to the girl and her mum - laid it on with a fricking trowel about how hard it was going to be for me with uni and the kids - and the mother said "yes I know I don't know how I'm going to get both of mine out to school" hmm

I spelled it out - I suppose I'm going to have to spell it out again. And lock the front door so she doesn't just wander in.

I need a pair of the infamous MN Balls wink

LaurieFairyCake Tue 13-Sep-11 09:22:25

Just say: "I've changed my mind as it's not working for us, no one round during the week". I have this for 13 year old dd - I allow her to go into town and meet her friends during the week for an hour after school - a couple of times a week but we live in town.

I don't have children round my house during the week - they are in the way.

kitbit Tue 13-Sep-11 09:22:59

You need to be firm. You don't need to argue, just firmly state that it's time to leave. DD1 should leave her phone at home or ignore the calls.
Your house, your family, your rules. No discussion or comfontation needed, just say what needs to happen.

Flowerista Tue 13-Sep-11 09:24:04

I would talk to her mum, explain DD1 has her homework to do but perhaps once/twice a week they can get together from say 7.30 - 8.30 but she has to go then to allow your other DD to get to sleep.

Sounds like the child is learning the observation techniques from her mother, but caller ID can be your friend.

ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 09:29:38

I don't want to fall out iyswim? But I'm going to have to put a stop to it.

ConstanceNoring Tue 13-Sep-11 09:30:56

<hands ShouldI giant balls>

I know it's easy enough to say, not so easy to do - I hate confrontation myself. smile

starfishmummy Tue 13-Sep-11 09:33:58

I agree with kitbit. Just say it's time to go, or that she can't come round. You dont actually have to give the child (or her mum) detailed reasons; if you feel you need to say something else then a simple its not convenient is enough.

ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 09:35:31

I also feel like she took advantage which I know is unfair. I'm feeling spectacularly shite and I just didn't have the energy to throw her out, which means now I think I've undone all the good work I did with being tough last week. But that's not her fault, it's mine for not being arsed to get her to go last night

Bloodymary Tue 13-Sep-11 09:36:10

I have had to deal with this with a younger child.
I tell them that they have to leave now, any form of backchat and I say NOW whilst giving them the 'look'.
Works every time!

festi Tue 13-Sep-11 09:40:21

I dont understand how this would turn into a confruntation. I would say no to coming in the house on school nights full stop, if they want to see each other they have an hour or so between 5 and 7pm, they can do that out side. If weather is bad then too bad.

Also DCs do not let anyone in your house without asking, child knocks on door waits at door dcs ask, you say yes or no.

I dont think you even need to talk to the mum, just reinforce what is convenient for you with the child at the time. If you ask her to go at 8 she goes or she will not be alowed in ever again, tell her that at the time, no need to involve her mum. If her mum has a problem then tell her your dd was rude and cheek and willnot be welcome if she cant leave when asked.

But honestly just be firm with all the kids. some kids take the piss if you let them you can put a stop to it with out involving the other mum.

festi Tue 13-Sep-11 09:42:55

also tell dd in car if thats x dont answer the phone, its none of her buisness what you are doing. if she texts where what ect, just get dd to put were going out, dont know when we will be back, if she keeps txting where etc reply....just out. I think you need to make your own dcs aware of the bounderies and expectations of them.

ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 09:44:54

If it makes any difference, she didn't knock, she just walked in (which is what she usually does) - all last week I'd locked the front door studiously every time we went out and in which meant she had to knock and I could turn her at the door but last night I forgot when we came in from the supermarket.

I need to just toughen up. And if she back chats again I will just firmly tell her to go NOW


ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 09:46:41

Festi that's it too - I find it incredibly intrusive to have her asking all the time where we're going and what we're doing. And if we're planning anything nice for just me and my girls she's very pushy about wanting to come as her parent's don't do much with her and I kniow that's not my problem but she stands almost in tears and I feel so guilty

festi Tue 13-Sep-11 09:48:40

I think it seems harder obviously as you are not very well. make it clear to her that she mustn't wander in, tell her to begin with it is because you are unwell. then say do you what you must always knock from now on, if she doesn't asker to go back out and knock get your dcs to tell you if she just turns up strait away then you can deal with it there and then. Make sure dcs always knock her door also.

once you got your foot back in working order you will be able to give her a good kick out the door. grin

ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 09:51:22

My DD's ALWAYS knock her door - I wouldn't let them just walk in to anyone's house. DD1 went over the other day with something for her mum after teatime and knocked the door, stood on the doorstep, handed it over, and was back in 2 minutes or less. The mother literally does not let anyone in after 6 or 6.30 (which I think is fair enough and I don't get why she can't see that I might want the same)

ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 09:54:21

Actually, now I think of it, that's part of what pisses me off so much about it - one rule for her house and yet she doesn't apply the same rules to mine iyswim? The mum will say that she "needs" peace and quiet in the evenings and likes to sit and watch some adult TV - what about me? Am I not entitled to the same?

(But I have a tv and sofa in the kitchen so either me or the kids go in there so it isn't really the same hassle most of the time)

festi Tue 13-Sep-11 09:57:25

well she would rather they at yours than hers, some people a very selfish.

my dd plays with a couple of kids on our street, the kids from one family I dont let in and dont alow dd in thier house as I dont know them well enough and the kids are cheecky little shits and swear etc.

But another couple I know the parents very well and began to let them in my house, but the mum sends the two year old over with his 5 year old brother and assumes ill look after him. I didnt mind the first couple of times but then it became obviouse she would then turn them all away at the door if they went over to hers, her own kids included, and the kids would be strait back here. Now I say, if you are playing together you can play out, if you want to play indoors dd can come in here to play and you can go to your house to play.

ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 10:10:26

Festi - the mother did that the week before school went back - knocked the door her DD was here (as usual) - her DD answered the door, I was in the kitchen, opened the kitchen door in time to see the front door close and the mtoher walk away - she was going out and had told her own DD - but hadn't bothered to ask me if it suited me.

I know she's not a baby and could have been left for a while on her own if me and my girls were going out, but that kind of wasn't the point.

ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 19:04:40


Went to the doctor and have strong anti-hists and a cream to put on and anti-biotics because the doc thinks it's infected. Still feel ropey.


Came in with kids and locked door and put key in my pocket.

Made the tea, my two are still doing homework - DD1 up in her room, DD2 reading. Door knocks and it's girl from next door. I open door half way and she steps forward - I actually thought she was going to push me out of the way to come in shock

I said "Yes?"

she said "Can I come in to see DD1 and DD2?"

And I said

"NO. DD2 is still doing her reading and DD1 is still at homework. They will come out when they are finished"

And she started to argue back that she could just come in and wait - I didn't even listen to half of it, just turned and shut the door.

But I feel like a rotter sad

weblette Tue 13-Sep-11 19:08:57

Not a rotter at all, enjoy the feel of your newly-found cojones.

The issue seems more to be with her parents tbh.

Hope you feel better soon, insect bites and me don't agree either.

ShouldIringthedoctor Tue 13-Sep-11 19:18:43

Weblette - I agree, I think the issue is with the fact that her mother and father don't do anything with her and also that her mum doesn't want to be bothered in the evenings. Which is fair enough, but what isn't fair is then to palm her child off onto me - especially with me being a single parent - means that at the weekends when I have my girls (they go to their dad every other weekend) - means when I have my girls here on the weekends we end up taking her with us loads of places because she wants to come and I'm a soft touch. blush

festi Tue 13-Sep-11 19:27:13

well done you, really hope you feel better soon. The child and her mother will get the hint soon enough. Unfortunatly it isnt your responsibility to entertain other peoples kids.

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