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ExP doesn't want his time disrupted

(13 Posts)
TwoTrackerDay Sat 10-Sep-11 09:06:24

I have a dilemma and am not sure how to procede.

Ds9 wants to start a sport which will be every Sunday morning for two hours until May. I am also very keen for him to start.

Exp lives about ten miles away, a 30 minute drive and sees Ds on alternate weekends. They are close, although lately it's been a battle to make Ds go there as he'd rather be at home.

When I mentioned the new sport, ex was very negative and said it'll mess up his weekend. This is true; he has a new, young family as well and also, if he brings ds every Sunday, there'll be little point driving all the way home again only to return him in the evening.

I can't swap a weekend for a weekday as this is also unfair, to expect ex to drive a 20 mile round trip to ring him to school.

However, I think it's unfair to prevent Ds ever doing this activity just for his convenience. We've been waiting all year for the season to start and have discussed it a lot - it would be so much easier if it was an evening thing, but there aren't any available.

I'd really appreciate any opinions.

GypsyMoth Sat 10-Sep-11 10:14:30

What has your ex actually said? A point blank 'no way'?

Is contact court ordered?

moondog Sat 10-Sep-11 10:16:55

What, he can't put up with two hours every other Sunday until May for his son.

No wonder you divorced him.

Meglet Sat 10-Sep-11 10:24:25

Your XP needs to be flexible and he can't stop his DS from doing the sport he wants to do.

MY XP was told off at mediation for refusing to be flexible, he didn't want the DC's to go to parties or see relatives if it was his time.

Vibrant Sat 10-Sep-11 10:31:11

I think this is one of the downsides of having parents who have divorced. It's a great opportunity for him to do a sport that he's keen on. On the other hand it will disrupt his time with his Dad and family.

When dsd used to come to us, we used to go away camping, to visit relatives or friends or we'd just plan things to do. If he is only seeing him every other weekend, that isn't much - we used to make the most of it, even if it was playing board games and watching DVDs. It was uninterrupted time together. And a mid-week overnight isn't the same thing as a relaxed weekend together. It would have really had an impact on our time with her, and with dd's limited time with her sister if dsd had had to go off every weekend she was with us for 3+ hours.

Sorry, but I think he has a point. Not an easy one though.

TwoTrackerDay Sat 10-Sep-11 10:45:46

Thank you for all your replies.

Yes, this is the dilemma, I know it'll be unfair one way or the other, but I feel he has to be flexible as well.

We were not married but have always tried to be civilised about arrangements and flexible with each other. Exp can be difficult to discuss things with and I allow myself to be a walkover in order to keep the peace with everyone.

Meglet, your post makes me realise how lucky I've been with arrangements - he does take him to weekend parties and we can both swap if there are family things.

On the other hand, I'm angry that it's been dismissed because of him and his new family and now it's down to me to either meekly drop it, or start another discussion.

amIbeingdaft Sun 11-Sep-11 11:01:13

Is he willing to explain to his son that he won't take him because it's too much hassle? Why is this being left to you? You have agreed that your son can go on the weekends he's with you, and presumably you'll be willing to take him. Your ex needs to explain why he isn't to his son, who at 9 is presumably old enough to have this conversation.

CMOTdibbler Sun 11-Sep-11 11:28:32

Could your ex pick him up from school on a Friday, then take him to the activity on the Sunday, watch him, then drop him back to you, maybe after they've had a lunch together ? Gives him two nights, the whole of Saturday, and 1:1 time on Sunday

4aminsomniac Wed 19-Oct-11 13:09:44

Have been in a similar position! Be aware that more of these situations will come up as DS grows up; whatever you decide may become the accepted norm for later on, so make sure you and DS are happy with what you decide. Teenagers get (justifiably) very hacked off if they can't socialise with their mates at the weekend, could ruin relationship with AP.

CopperLocs Sun 23-Oct-11 21:07:57

I think he's being unreasonable. It's almost like saying his time with his new family is more importangt than time with his son. As its alternate weekends, I actually don't see the issue with accomadting this. Maybe I'm being a bit black and white but I fail to see how you're making an unfair request- you're being far more rational than I would be!

IMO, if it's important to his son, it should be important to him, as should that opportunity to preserve their relationship with 1:1 time. I guess he prefers to just slot your son in with the new family every other weekend? Also, I may be reading too much into this but theres something quite telling about the fact that youre having to battle with your son to go to his dads every weekend.

CopperLocs Sun 23-Oct-11 21:08:42

Argh! Please excuse the typos in my post- i'm terrible for them!

LydiaWickham Sun 23-Oct-11 21:14:06

Could you talk to whoever is in charge of this activity, and ask if your DS could miss 1 session a month? That way, you take him every weekend you have him at home and the compromise is your exP has to take DS every other time he has him at his.

TwoTrackerDay Tue 25-Oct-11 21:03:41

Sorry I've not been back to the thread, I'd thought it had sunk and didn't check.

Thank you all so much for your replies and consideration, I really appreciate them and have been able to take something from every post.

A few weeks on, I decided to go to a venue very near to ex's house. It's meant a lot of travelling for ds and me and has been expensive, but is so worth it. Ex's involvement so far has been small but as ds's enthusiasm grows, so does his.

Oddly, although it's so near, ex has only been down to see training once, (although has also taken him to a faraway fixture) though I think it was genuinely because things had been planned. I guess everyone has to be kept happy.

1:1 time is hard to come by for ds and ex, that's another thread in itself...

Thanks again for all your replies and ideas smile

ps, it's taken me almost two hours to write this and heavily edit it, hats off to everyone who can write personal stuff!

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