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I want this young lad to come stay for long periods if not permanently WWYD ?

(29 Posts)
Shinyshoes1 Sun 14-Aug-11 13:35:18

My son has made friends with this young lad. He is a lovely young lad, polite, well mannered, very helpful, respectful and honest (an incident with a neighbour confirmed this).
We live in a 2 bed house. There are 5 of us and it's very cramped but we are due to move soon into a 3 bed house. The young lad is staying for dinner today and staying the night, he has stayed the night a few times and I like having him around.

When we move i'd like him to stay weekends and in the holidays , my son would love this. There are a few reasons for this :-
My son says he gets beaten by his parents and sisters. There has been trouble at their house and the police have been called on a few occasions, they are in the process of being evicted. They constantly scream at the children. I have met them though and they are very nice people, if they tone it down a bit

I hate that he has to go back home there .
My OH is having absolutely none of it and when we move wants the house done up how we want it for his family, he won't entertain this boy coming to stay for long periods as he sees it as none of our business.

I don't know what to do. I'd have him not go home tonight if it were up to me

tethersend Sun 14-Aug-11 13:39:06

I can understand your feelings, but if you think he is being abused, you must inform SS.

You cannot rescue him; to try and 'take' him from his parents in the way you are suggesting will get very messy indeed.

Letting him know that he is always welcome at yours is a good idea, though.

NoMoreWasabi Sun 14-Aug-11 13:41:24

How old is the lad?

Shinyshoes1 Sun 14-Aug-11 13:43:26

he is 11

I can't inform SS, it's a 'diifcult' situation

Shinyshoes1 Sun 14-Aug-11 13:45:24

at the moment he has no school either, he seems quite vague when I ask him which school he is going to as well.

They moved here just before the 6 weeks holiday so perhaps they are yet to find him one.

kayah Sun 14-Aug-11 13:46:23

what is difficult about this situation?

you are not equipped in dealing with situations like that, I mean that there are probably things you don't know about and in the end you may be sorry that you didn't do this properly

activate Sun 14-Aug-11 13:48:46


I think you're being judgemental about a situation you know nothing about

I think you're feeling saintly because you have an intention to take on a "waif and stray" and you have absolutely no right to

This is a child who clearly has a home and parents who are "very nice people"

What is your training, experience that you think you can help a damaged child (although he certainly doesn't sound like a damaged child from your initial description)

What is your legal responsibility or right (I'll answer this one - none)

I think your intentions may well on the surface be good to you - but it's a horrible thing you're trying to do

you're trying to take someone else's child because you don't judge their background to be suitable for this particular child

kayah Sun 14-Aug-11 13:52:59

how does your son know him?

tethersend Sun 14-Aug-11 13:54:23

"I can't inform SS, it's a 'diifcult' situation"

Please say more about this.

Do you think he gets beaten at home?

activate Sun 14-Aug-11 13:56:36

it was clear in the OP that the "evidence" is gossip and supposition

if there is an issue report it

This thread has really got me cross

Shinyshoes1 Sun 14-Aug-11 14:03:19

I don't want to make people 'cross' I want to help.

Perhaps I am being judgemental as their lifestyle is different to mine. I don't think I am, he lives with the sisters and they are nice people, they seem to be, I've met them and they seem nice enough but he's often told my son how they throw shoes at him and scream at him and beat him up , I know they scream I have heard this.

He has moved back in with his parents now, my son visits them, I asked what his parents were like he said the same, the dad doesn't say anything much and hits him round the head and the mum screams at him all day. He was about to tell me he beats them actually using the word beat and I told him I didnt want details, I was feeling upset by it.

Shinyshoes1 Sun 14-Aug-11 14:04:23

Kayah my son knows him as he was living with his sisters for a short while, they are neighbours.

I really can't say more as I don't want to 'out' myself to them

tethersend Sun 14-Aug-11 14:07:26

If you suspect he is being abused, you must tell SS.

You cannot do anything else, I'm sorry.

Shinyshoes1 Sun 14-Aug-11 14:09:06

If I tell SS I could well be putting myself and my family in a whole heap of trouble Tethersend.

activate Sun 14-Aug-11 14:09:19

I will accept on the surface that your intentions are good

I work with damaged teens I know what I'm talking about - I have often felt the desire to take one home with me

you need to pull back - a lot

you are a parent of a friend of his - they are primary school aged - so open your house to him and tell him he's always welcome

if you have serious concerns of abuse report them to the relevant authorities and, once he has a school, the school

do not, I repeat do not, draw a judgement from what a couple of 11 year olds say or the fact that you hear people shouting and act on it by trying to illegally foster him - this is not your role

perhaps you could befriend the parents if you really want to

tethersend Sun 14-Aug-11 14:12:34

And if you don't, you are colluding with his abusers, Shinyshoes1.

I appreciate the difficulty you face- but there is no halfway house here. You cannot move the child into your house; this will not go down well with his family, and would be illegal.

You have been told he is being abused. You can either act on that information by informing SS, or you can do nothing. I'm afraid they are your only options.

Shinyshoes1 Sun 14-Aug-11 14:13:53

Ok thank you smile

I apologise if i've offended anyone

bettiboo Sun 14-Aug-11 14:16:19

Shiney, the world needs more people like you. You sound well intentioned and want to give something to a young boy that he might not be experiencing at home, for example, stability and comfort. I agree with some that you don't really know what's going on at home and everyone has different ideas about what is and isn't a 'good' family life. I don't think you can just informally care for the child permanently but you can continue to be there as a family for him. If he's being abused, you really must report it, I'm not sure how you can avoid that. It's such a difficult situation. I wish you all the very best of luck.

Shinyshoes1 Sun 14-Aug-11 14:25:05


I've not met the prents and I don't think they'd have me there to be honest, my son is welcome but it's not soemwhere you can drop round for a cup of tea.

He seems happy enough so perhaps I should leave it at that for now until he wants to open up to me , if he does at all. I will just make him feel welcome here and hope he comes round and continues to be friends with my son.

Shinyshoes1 Sun 14-Aug-11 14:25:43

Like some of you have said, perhaps it's gossip but I don't know why he'd tell my son something like that if it isn't true

GypsyMoth Sun 14-Aug-11 14:29:22

Your info to ss will be anon, but tbh, what could they do? Is their younger siblings?

MagicFingerGoesPop Sun 14-Aug-11 14:34:10

I do think you should report to SS, even anon. Why would it cause YOU trouble to report THEM?

Shinyshoes1 Sun 14-Aug-11 14:36:40

Yes their are younger ones too.

MagicFinger, If I were to report this boys parents, they'd know it was me.

If I were to report the sibling about her children it could be anyone.

I think I will take your advice and stay out of it and just keep my door open for him

Shinyshoes1 Sun 14-Aug-11 14:40:40

They are not the kind of family that would 'welcome' outside interference.

I was suprised they'd accepted my son into their environment, My son was warned when they moved he wouldn't be allowed there but they have him there no problems

MagicFingerGoesPop Sun 14-Aug-11 14:49:52

sad What a horrible situation. I Would be torn as well. Good luck with it.

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