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I have hit a wall with being a Mum

(83 Posts)
theyfuckyouup Thu 04-Aug-11 20:53:56

I am a SAHM to three DCs aged nearly 5, nearly 3 and 16 months. I thought I'd be a good mum and I'd love being at home. I'm not and I don't. I used to happily do loads with my children; craft, baking, outings, gardening, playing games, chatting etc but I now I kind of dread and resent it all. When my DH is home I enjoy it more but when I'm on my own I either feel like a zombie-robot Mummy going through the motions, like tears are welling up all the time, or like I'm going to snap and lose my temper. I feel like I'm failing my kids and my husband but although I keep promising to do better I bounce back to feeling the same.

K999 Thu 04-Aug-11 20:56:46

Could you be suffering from depression? Have you been to the doctor? Spoken to your DH about how you are feeling?

theyfuckyouup Thu 04-Aug-11 21:00:27

I have considered going to the doctor but I don't know what help she could give me. I'm not keen on popping pills. I feel like my whole life needs to change but I don't feel like I have any options. I feel very trapped which I know is selfish and ungrateful for what I have.

baskingseals Thu 04-Aug-11 21:04:30

i knew your children would be young.
it is relentless. every mother, imho, to a greater or lesser extent goes through a version of what you are going through.

the best solution is to have an hour or so away from them - is this possible in your situation?

i can promise you it will get better, and it will, but that doesn't help you right now - all you need is a bit of time alone.

SilveryMoon Thu 04-Aug-11 21:06:58

It is not selfish and ungrateful at all. Being a SAHM is hard.
You don't have to take pills if you don't want to, but your gp might be able to refer you for counciling (I know that is spelt wrong) or something like that.
I resent being a SAHM which is why I've decided to go back to work. I really need something in my life that is not my children. I feel that I will be able to do better by them if we all get space from each other.
Mine are 4 and 2 yrs.
Maybe you could talk to your dh about getting some time just for yourself regularly.
Maybe a hobby or project that is just for you will help.
maybe you could just pop along to the gp and talk, see what s/he comes up with. You have nothing to lose.

theyfuckyouup Thu 04-Aug-11 21:10:14

Thanks baskingseals. I try to get a bit of time off when I can but DH works very long hours and we don't have many other people around. I am cross with myself because I chose this route, (alongside DH). We wanted three children and we thought having them close together would be best, for a range of reasons that seem a bit weak now. We talked about it being hard but I never thought I'd feel so beaten by it. Sorry to keep on moaning. Be careful what you wish for ...

theyfuckyouup Thu 04-Aug-11 21:13:01

Thanks also silverymoon. My biggest fantasy at the moment is having a job well paid enough that I could justify going back to work.

SilveryMoon Thu 04-Aug-11 21:14:21

I completely understand where you are coming from.
I often feel the same. I'm pretty sure it's normal.
I don't get any time away from my dc's. Dp works as much as he can (my dc's are whingers so I think he prefers to be at work), so it is quite often me doing everything, and it does get me down because I've lost who I am.
You do sound pretty low, and I am so sorry you are struggling at the moment, but I'm sure it does get easier.
I also find that if I go a few days without adult company I get really frstrated, so I try to make sure we meet up with friends as often as possible and we spend minimal time at home!

baskingseals Thu 04-Aug-11 21:16:25

oh yes that great god hindsight - what a beautiful thing. my life would be so different if i knew then what i know now.

i also have 3 dc, 9yo dd and then 2 boys who are nearly 2 and 4. last winter nearly killed me. endless dreary days.

does your baby sleep through?
things are a lot better if you're not knackered.

do you have high expectations of yourself? if you do - lower them immediately.

what do you think constitutes a good mother? what sort of mother would you like to be?

SilveryMoon Thu 04-Aug-11 21:16:48

It's hard isn't it, weighing that up with small children.
What sort of hours does your dh work? Maybe you could do something part-time around his job, even if a few hours behind a bar, or a shop, cleaning, anything that might just give you back some kind of control over who you are other than someones mum

Ringosbaby Thu 04-Aug-11 21:17:47

I'm in a similar situation to you. My DC are 6,3,1 and its bloody hard work. I have just started working one day a week, but I still feel in desperate need of a break sometimes.

My DD (6) has SN too, which doesn't help as I only have 2 people who are trained to look after her.

I have talked to DH about it and we've agreed that I need to try and find some 'me' time- and that its nothing to feel guilty about. I always thought that being a SAHM meant you always had to look after your kids, but really some time apart does everyone the world of good.

DH gave them their dinner last night and bathed them whilst I went out swimming. It was heaven!

It is hard work, but hang in there. I hope things get a bit easier for you soon.

bumbums Thu 04-Aug-11 21:19:27

You are not alone in feeling this way.
Do you have a holiday or a weekend away planned?
At the very least you need 2-3 hours to yourself every weekend. No body works 24/7, no body.
You probably could benifit from some anti-depressants. They would enable you to feel calmer and in control again. Your GP would give you advice on how long to be on them and when your ready a plan to get off them.
Also what about a couple of regular exercise sessions? Zumba? Running?
Keep talking. You are not alone. x

islawhiter Thu 04-Aug-11 21:23:26

Completely agree with above threads, when my kids were little i used to get weeks when i was so bored and craving adult company, fed up with being the one always having to have the ideas and motivating everyone, when you lack sleep everything is much,much harder cos you need energy. i used to question my own mental health but jus as soon snapped out of it if i had something exciting to plan or look forward too, even just a girls night out or shopping trip without kids.

Carrotsandcelery Thu 04-Aug-11 21:23:47

You sound like the majority of mothers I know. Most of us start off great but lack of sleep, repetition, mundaneity etc get to you after a while.

Are you getting exercise? If you can find the right sort for you it is a great mood lifter. I am by no means a fit person and lots of forms of exercise make me feel dreadful but I have now found the right one and it has lifted my mood enormously. It is also a form of "me" time as well.

It is also worth looking at what you eat and when. I am not knowledgeable on this front myself - I am just starting out on a mood boosting eating programme and hoping that steadies my mood and energy levels.

It might seem a long way off but it does steadily get better as they get more able to communicate with you, do stuff with you rather than you doing for them all the time, and eventually going off to do stuff elsewhere for parts of the day, allowing you a bit of time by yourself to do your own thing!

Good luck OP and keep talking on here.

theyfuckyouup Thu 04-Aug-11 21:27:40

Thank you so much for these replys. It helps so much to know I'm not alone. I always feel guilty, for example about people who can't concieve, when I am blessed with more children than I feel I can cope with sometimes!

My DH works a really random load of shifts including nights, weekends etc. He often has bits of time at home in the day when we have been prioritising doing stuff with the kids like swimming, that need two adults. I get out and about lots with friends but always with the kids in tow so can never properly chat. I think I do need to start having a bit of time off. I may try to be brave and see my doctor too. I am scared off telling a RL person how I feel.

theyfuckyouup Thu 04-Aug-11 21:30:26

carrotsandcelery..the food thing is so true. I keep eating sugary snacks and drinking coffee to try and pick myself up but am much moodier when I do. I am trying to act on this but it's hard to avoid the quick fix when I run out of energy.

WhatFreshHellIsThis Thu 04-Aug-11 21:34:01

Wanted to add a note of hope - I only have two, they're 5 and 2, but it does get MUCH better when one goes to school, and when the younger one is over two. I have been feeling trapped, resentful, all of the things you describe - one of the reasons we're not having any more is that I can't face spending another two years marking time, not progressing in my life in any way.

That doesn't mean I'm a hard career woman, but just that children under two need so much attention that it's hard to feel like there's any of you left. Also summer holidays are hard, everyone goes away, all the activities stop, and it feels like it's never going to end.

But suddenly lately I feel like I'm coming out of a long fog - I'm applying for a new job, and feel like I might be able to actually concentrate on a job again! Admittedly it's taken a backslide over the last two weeks as DS2 is sleeping badly, but life feels possible again.

You need a plan. Get the nearly three year old signed up to a preschool, so that when the older one goes to school you also have some preschool time sorted for the three year old (if this is feasible from a financial point of view!). Take any opportunity to share the burden - playgroups, activities etc - where you get to meet other grownups and talk. I've made a fab friend at DS1s school who will have my two year old occasionally in exchange for me having her three year old occasionally, frees me up to do things by myself. Get one evening a week where you don't do bedtime, and do what you like - go out for a drink, sign up for an exercise class, even sit in a cafe by yourself and read a book!

Alternatively, fuck the plan, if that's making you feel too despondent. Just take this one thing from my stupid post, and that's that it DOES GET BETTER. I promise.

baskingseals Thu 04-Aug-11 21:34:42

i would say that how you feel is more of a priority than swimming at the moment.

it is not selfish looking after oneself, because if you go down everyone else does. if you do manage to get an hour to yourself, in essence, you are doing it for your children.

i know it gets better because dd is 9. she is high maintenance, but can go to the loo by herself.

small children are mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting, there is not one part of yourself that doesn't get used up during the day.

give yourself a breather.

SilveryMoon Thu 04-Aug-11 21:35:32

Please do not be scared of voicing your feeling in RL, every person that has come to this thread has said they ahve been through the same. EVERY ONE OF US! That is 100% of people you have spoken to so far, which shows it is normal and not UR to feel like you do.
My dp works shifts too and it is a massive PITA, trying to keep 2 boys quiet whilst he is in bed all day from working all night etc, just crazy.
Feeling like this does not make you a bad mum, if you didn't care enough, you wouldn't be feeling guilty.
I think first off you need to stop thinking about the people who crave what you've got, you need to think about you and you alone for a while, and once you have taken steps to ensure you are happy, coping and in control, that will carry down to your children and through to your husband.
Lower your expectations of yourself too.
Every tiny thing that gets done through the day is a huge accomplishment and you should reward yourself for that.
If you manage to schedule time for family days out (like swimming) you are achieving alot more than some families do right there.
Stop punishing yourself.
No one is going to judge you for calling out "hey, I am a SAHM, and I am struggling at the moment"

CristinaTheAstonishing Thu 04-Aug-11 21:35:51

You sound tired, as you have every "right" to be. I'd go and see the GP.

mazzi2fly Thu 04-Aug-11 21:36:35

Is your 5 year old at school yet? I do remember that the year before my eldest started school was the worst, and now things are much better. The school day seems to make a good routine. It breaks up the day a bit, by taking them to school and picking them up again.

Obviously that doesn't help the holidays but it definately better when the oldest is at school!

Carrotsandcelery Thu 04-Aug-11 21:36:52

Feel free to join in here Bits of it might be helpful!

I would also recommend a book group or some raucous evenings out for boosting your mood in the short term. It seems a thought to get dressed up and get out there but it is good to finish a conversation and let off steam a bit.

Tortington Thu 04-Aug-11 21:38:16

dya know what, sometimes i think that mums forget they are people. you are a person, a woman, a wife, a sexual being, you like music, you are probably qualified in something or other, you have skills to offer to someone somewhere. your value is more than motherhood.

so use that value that you know you have - it doesn't mean your a failure - imo it means your human and not a bloody slave to children

bumbums Thu 04-Aug-11 21:39:23

In my guiltiest moments I think to my self 'oh for f**k sake, everyone else is managing, why can't I?' 'Why can't I just get on with life and stop making such a fuss?' I feel like I'm waisting this opportunity of being at home with my kids. I should be doing so much more.
But the fact is you are doing your best. And because you really do care your kids will be just fine.
Back to you though. You are very important. Happy mummy makes for happy children. If you go under the whole family follows.
There must be a friend that you can be honest with? Someone in a similar boat to you?

baskingseals Thu 04-Aug-11 21:40:46

agree 100% with silverymoon

i wish more women were honest about their feelings in real life, there's a lot of bullshit and game playing going around.

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