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Confronting a long ago teenage ex about his forceful sexual behaviour??

(7 Posts)
docket Tue 12-Jul-11 19:00:44

I've been having some counselling and whilst my reason for going was family-related some rather horrible early sexual experiences have come back into focus.

Basically, when I was 14 I was 'going out' with a boy at school and he was very forceful with me. On a specific occasion, he forced me down and shoved his fingers up me despite me saying 'no'. Of course he then told everyone about it (people were obsessed with getting to 2nd/3rd etc base in those days...). Weakly, I didn't do anything about it at the time, carried on going out with him and put it down to being one of those things 14 year olds do but having talked it over with my counsellor I realise it was actually something of an assault and has had far-reaching consequences on my sex life as an adult (e.g. I really hate being touched down there).

I'm going to a school reunion on Saturday - 20 years since we all left (gulp). HE will be there. Now I've faced it all again I'm angry with him and my counsellor has suggested I confront him.

I think it's hard to plan something like this and it'll be one of those things where I either feel it's the time and place to do it or not. I suppose what I'm asking is whether you think it is something to confront someone about? Or whether it is (very sadly) the kind of thing a lot of people experience and not worth talking to him about.


DaveGrohlsgirl Tue 12-Jul-11 19:06:17

I don't feel like it's just "the kind of thing that happens" and I am sorry that that was your experience.........but I also don't feel like its a conversation that you should have at a reunion.
20 years have past, he got it very very wrong, he was 14.
Hopefully he will have learnt that that kind of behavuiour is completely unacceptable, and, if he has, you confronting him about his behaviour 20 years ago will not go well.
Others on here may disagree, but, if you have / are dealing with it in counselling, and will not come into contact with this ex at any other time other than at the reunion, then I would leave confrontation well alone.

allhailtheaubergine Tue 12-Jul-11 19:10:40

Will either you or he be drinking at this reunion? If so, I think any confrontation would be a bad idea. A reunion is not the right place.

How would you feel about getting his email or phone number while at the reunion, and contacting him to say your piece afterwards?

StitchingMoss Tue 12-Jul-11 19:16:22

I'm gobsmacked that your counsellor thinks it's a good idea to confront him about it at a school reunion shock. I think that is shockingly poor advice - it would not end well for either of you and would achieve nothing.

Personally I would deal with the affect it had on me but not confront him at all - nothing good can come from it.

I wish you well with your counselling.

nickschick Tue 12-Jul-11 19:21:00

I am shock that a counsellor suggested this.

Im not a counsellor but Id be inclined to say that unless you were in any way to blame for it then you have to learn to let it go,draw a line under it and move on.

I understand that he has left you with feelings of 'repulsion' with regards to your vagina and sex but you have to try and think of pleasurable things that you enjoy doing or have enjoyed doing- its not going to get you anywhere confronting this now.

moonferret Tue 12-Jul-11 19:23:10

That would really create a great atmosphere at the reunion! And what kind of counsellor suggests that?!

If you really can't let this "opportunity" pass, I'd limit yourself to a carefully aimed and less than complimentary comment or two!

docket Tue 12-Jul-11 19:58:53

Thanks for your comments. I don't want to say anything and I was a bit surprised when she said it. My instinct was to deal with it myself without involving him so I appreciate that affirmation!

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