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dh just revealed he's lost/spent our savings

(121 Posts)
earthswallowmeup Mon 04-Jul-11 17:10:43

this is probably the wrong place but i'm a bit stunned. i really don't know what to do
i'm packing up to move to another country next week to start new life and business. dh has gone on ahead 2 months ago. he has just revealed he used most of our savings on a drug deal and it went wrong and the money is lost.
i can't believe it. i had no idea he was involved in anything like that or even knew people who were.
im still in shock. he told me a couple of hours ago. im busy with selling our things and sorting out house and ds has been sick past 24hrs so im too tired to think straight.
i just don't know what to do. i've cried and screamed and the facts remain the same, our flights are booked and non refundable
i just don't know what to do. to stay or go. what to do about dh.
he's suddenly like a stranger. his solution seemed to be to do something illegal to try to recoup loss. seriously. i'm in shock and have no-one i can tell about this

DooinMeCleanin Mon 04-Jul-11 17:14:30

Obviously you are no longer moving right?

I'm so sorry.

BehindLockNumberNine Mon 04-Jul-11 17:18:01

Your flights may be non-refundable, but that does not mean you should use them.
Are your family here? Can you find work here?

I would not move abroad (although you did not say where you were going) to start a new life / business without any savings behind me.

What does dh want to do? (not the illegally getting the money back that would be stupid, but long term. Still make a go of the business abroad? Or come back and start again?)

GypsyMoth Mon 04-Jul-11 17:33:03

Drug dealing? Bloody hell!

What's that's country policy on drugs?? Is it soft like ours or strict like Thailand?

Never mind. The money's gone, so has the dh you thought you had

Welcome to life as a lone parent!!

catinthehat2 Mon 04-Jul-11 17:41:14

why did he tell you with a week left to go in this country - what is his expectation?

RosieMapleLeaf Mon 04-Jul-11 17:49:28

I'm not sure I understand - he lost the money on the drug deal, or he lost the money and tried the drug deal to get it back? Does he usually deal drugs?

Either way, I would not be getting on that plane!

earthswallowmeup Mon 04-Jul-11 17:52:38

he's panicking now that he knows there are only days to go. he has been pretending he was doing building work, he says he has been having a nervous breakdown
I shipped our personal belongings last week, the kids toys, everything. I've given notice to leave, the house here is rented. I checked with agency and house is already re-let.
I think he's either gone mad or I don't really know him at all.
I haven't got anyone I can talk to about this, family or friends really.
The kids are missing their dad. I've got barely enough money for basics, counting on selling furniture and appliances.
i feel like a rat in a trap

RosieMapleLeaf Mon 04-Jul-11 17:54:41

What country is it if you don't mind me asking? Maybe a local MNetter can be of help?

GypsyMoth Mon 04-Jul-11 17:58:23

Local council,hostel or b and b..... Then eventually re housed or rent assist scheme to rent again

It's a solution. Starting again from scratch. But it's what I would do, having done so before

No way could I go back with him!! No way

kitbit Mon 04-Jul-11 17:58:36

Practical things first: do you have jobs in the new country? Is there a language barrier?

Right now you need to survive, then build from there. Deal with the twattery later. Get him working legitimately and getting money to support you while you decide what to do.

Is he likely to try anything that stupid again?

earthswallowmeup Mon 04-Jul-11 17:58:43

basically we moved our savings to an account in his name in the country we are moving to, he told me today that he has spent 3/4 of that (almost 20k) on a drug deal that went wrong.
when he was a teenager (20 years ago) he committed a drug offence but i had no idea he had any involvement in drugs or knew anyone who did.
i feel like i'd be crazy to get on a plane now but just don't see what else i can do

wishingchair Mon 04-Jul-11 18:01:14

What about him coming home or is there no money to get a flight? What is the country like you're moving too?

Sounds a nightmare.

Of course the kids are missing their dad but that doesn't mean you should take them to a potentially distressing and dangerous situation. Seeing their dad have a nervous breakdown would not be good for them, neither would putting them in a new country with no money and drug dealers. I really feel for you. Do you have anyone you can stay with?

TheOriginalFAB Mon 04-Jul-11 18:02:31

If you are asking for advice mine would be to cancel the flights and to go to your parents or someone who can put you up. Your husband has thrown away your children's future and I am not sure how you get past that.

wishingchair Mon 04-Jul-11 18:04:38

Also, often flights can be changed for a small fee so could your flight be changed so he could use it to get home?

You have to be very careful. Drug dealing is so serious - if you go over there and the police suspect his involvement, you could be putting yourself also at risk. I would not go.

noddyholder Mon 04-Jul-11 18:06:14

Definitely don't go.

BikeRunSki Mon 04-Jul-11 18:07:00

That would be a deal breaker for me. The money and the drugs. I could not go after someone who had done that to me.

A few years ago my DSis SIL's husband (got it?) lost all their savings and remortaged the house through gambling. They are no longer together, but SIL and 2 DDs have got through it, started from scratch.

JarethTheGoblinKing Mon 04-Jul-11 18:10:23

So sorry, how awful. With everybody else who said don't get on the plane.

Check your travel insurance - with any luck you might be able to get back some of the cost of the fligths. Always worth calling the airline as well and begging and pleading with them, asking if they can resell the flights etc, you never know.

I'd never be able to trust DP again if he did something like poor thing

earthswallowmeup Mon 04-Jul-11 18:10:44

no parents or anyone to stay with.
we've invested such a lot in the new country already and all our belongings are heading there.

DooinMeCleanin Mon 04-Jul-11 18:12:12

Could you move there alone and transfer the rest of the money back to you? I would be seriously worried about miving there with him, what sort of people must he be in contact with to be able to do this?

wishingchair Mon 04-Jul-11 18:15:39

No - YOU invested a lot in the new country.
HE'S gambled it all away on a highly illegal activity risking not only your savings but also his life.

Is the country you were headed to a developed "western" country?

Do you have somewhere to live over there?

Your belongings can be shipped straight back ...

earthswallowmeup Mon 04-Jul-11 18:15:57

you're all correct it's the shock of the lies and drugs. drugs for god sake. i don't even smoke cigarettes. i am seriously strait laced about illegal activities.
i can't believe he could do this to us. my head's spinning. i can't function. i was already stressed with so much to do.
apparently he did this months ago and has been trying to work out how to recoup the loss ever since.
i keep thinking 'pride comes before a fall' over and over. i've been so blind.

noddyholder Mon 04-Jul-11 18:17:24

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE EVEN CONSIDERING GOING!!!!!!please don't highly risky depending on the country and you need to send a strong message this is unacceptable.

wishingchair Mon 04-Jul-11 18:17:48

Good point - he's been there two months and knows how to get involved in a drugs deal. I've lived in my town for 9 years and wouldn't know how to do that ...

JarethTheGoblinKing Mon 04-Jul-11 18:18:20

He did this months ago and has only just told you about it? Just as you've sent over all your belongings, are about to get on a plane and basically leaving you with nowhere else to go/no other option? Bastard.

wishingchair Mon 04-Jul-11 18:19:23

Oh sorry - so he did the drugs deal months ago, when he was still in the UK (or wherever you currently are)? And then he moved over there and has been freaking out trying to work out what to do about it all?

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