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Love the Mother, loathe the DS

(13 Posts)
Coriander73 Tue 23-Nov-10 13:19:43

Help...have a lovely newish friendship but there is a major stumbling block...I dislike her DS2. He is the 3rd child (two much older siblings) and is the rudest most badly mannered child I've ever come across. To help friend out I've had him over after school a few times recently (my DS and child in question are preschool age 4) but these visits increasingly fill me with dread & I loathe them.

I've never felt this way before about a child...I realise I am the adult here and am trying to rationalise but I just don't like him & the way he behaves in my house and how rude he can be to DS...simple as that. I really enjoy the mothers company, we get on very well & when she asks how's he been etc I just say fine etc...I can't very well say what I really feel can I?! Not sure how this is going to end up...don't want to jepodise friendship but I really don't want him over again...

Any advice welcome

Hullygully Tue 23-Nov-10 13:22:05

I've been in this situation (but with older children). I saw her less and less, in the end I had ot tell her that I didn't feel her dc were that keen on mine (keeping it low key), and she was relieved as she thought I had stopped liking her.

arfasleep Tue 23-Nov-10 13:23:17

Oh dear, sorry, no advice to give but I'm in similar situation so will lurk for advice. I've been mostly avoiding/polite chat only, its real shame as I really like mum but DS is awful sad

RoseMortmain Tue 23-Nov-10 13:23:43

No advice but identical scenario here. It's horrid, but I have no idea how to deal with it without losing my friendship, which I don't want to do.

Sending lots of sympathy your way and hoping a wiser person than I is along shortly.

Coriander73 Tue 23-Nov-10 14:59:59

Thanks...sad to see I'm not the only one with the same scenario...tricky tricky! Her older two (15 & 9) are lovely (from what I've seen of them etc) but the child in question is awful just awful...and that makes me feel incredibly bad/sad/immature (delete where appropriate!) to feel that way...DH is of the same opinion...I'm holding onto the fact that as he is a summer baby he goes into reception at Easter whereas DS is a Sep baby so will start in Sep...grasping at straws?!

How can a grown woman of 37 let a 4 year old get under her skin? Friend has absolutely no idea how I feel...but when we're all together does seem to apologise a lot on his behalf (at which point I just you do)...sigh...

AMumInScotland Tue 23-Nov-10 15:09:31

Does your DS enjoy the boy's company or not? If he doesn't get anything much out of the visits, I'd probably stop them for a while. You can always say "They don't seem to play together very well" or similar, rather than saying "it's you child's fault"

If your DS does like him, then I think you need to impose your own rules and standards while he is there - you don't have to put up with bad behaviour or rudeness from a visiting child.

Coriander73 Tue 23-Nov-10 16:10:02

Mostly they play well together but he does seem to "boss" DS around a bit (DS is no shrinking violet)...he is an incredibly sullen little boy with zero (and I mean zero) manners...I have to keep reminding him that in my house we use please and thank you (don't most people?) etc & he will always say "I don't have to do that in my house" etc and the classic "you aren't my mummy" he came over (friend abroad until tmr, another favour, didn't like to say no but think we are close to it) & was full of "my house, tv, computer, bedroom etc is bigger" "I don't like your house"...haven't had those statements before but suffice to say I wanted to throttle him...hold the social services speed dial button...I didn't!!

Haven't experienced this before with DD who is 6...really tricky


HecateQueenOfWitches Tue 23-Nov-10 16:19:14

Why on earth are you saying "fine" when she asks how he's been?

If you don't tell her the truth, you don't even give her the opportunity to address the behaviour.

Tell her what he's saying.

She has a choice, either address it or not. But she needs to be told.

I know I'd want to know if one of my sons was being so horribly rude to people.

Coriander73 Wed 24-Nov-10 13:39:55

I understand what you are saying but it's a fine line isn't it? Say what's really been happening and potentially risk the friendship, which has been most welcome. Again, it's not for fear of confrontation but a) hurting her feelings b) end of friendship...but yes, I would want to know too....argghhh

ConstanceFelicity Wed 24-Nov-10 13:44:48

I am no way in the same situation, but DS has had a friend over who misbehaved. When mum came to get him and asked how he was, I said, "He was okay, but got a bit too lively and I had to take a few toys off him." All said with a smile, it wasn't awkward at all. I'd expect any mum to tell me if my DS had been ride or misbehaved.

kreecherlivesupstairs Thu 25-Nov-10 08:51:14

Op, your situation sounds like one we had with DD and a friend. Her friend was rude, bullying and greedy. She came over to ours a couple of times but I took her home early. I really liked the mum and had a lot in common with her. I just loathed the girl.
In the end, I had to be honest with the mum about how her DD had behaved at our flat. Mum said something along the lines of 'lots of people have problems with X's behaviour'. I felt sad that I lost Mum as a friend, but happy for DD (and myself if I'm honest).
The last thing I heard about them was an aborted trip to the States where nothing was right for X.

Chrysanthemum5 Wed 01-Dec-10 14:17:34

Just having something similar with DS (6) and a friend he has known since they were babies at nursery. For a long time they were best friends, and I really like his mum. However, recently when we've seen them he shouts at DS, pushes him etc. DS will push back, but he does get pretty upset by it all. I think I have to accept I can carry on seeing the mum but it will have to be when the boys are at school.

Coriander73 Wed 01-Dec-10 14:48:27

Friend & her son were here yesterday for a quick lunch...child was hideous & friend kept saying say sorry for this & that...but he never did & she didn't carry it through - which she has done on other occasions...I felt for the first time there was a little "strain" in the room....I just can't bear him & I think I will buck soon, even if it means risking / losing friendship...

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