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wwyd - or in this case what should DH do - teens and alcohol

(42 Posts)
mjinhiding Sat 20-Nov-10 20:54:14

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mjinhiding Sat 20-Nov-10 21:23:55

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nonicknamemum Sat 20-Nov-10 21:39:59

Wondered whether you might get more of a response if you posted under "Teenagers" in the Parenting section?

cobbledtogether Sat 20-Nov-10 21:50:57

WWID is use a calm approach as in my experience it it takes the wind out of a teens sails like nothing else.

I'd suggest leaving the empty bottles on the dining table, or in some other really obvious place but don't say a word about it. It will drive her nuts as she will be waiting for all hell to break out.

If she says something DH or you and DH can just say you will speak to her later.
If not, calmly wait till either DH or DH and you can talk to her then explain that she needs to pay you back for the vodka and hand her a payment plan.

Say, calmly, that its getting to the stage where people don't want her involved in things because she gets drunk and makes an arse of herself and that the stealing is unacceptable. Give her the option of being included or excluded from events - make it clear that if she expects to get drunk then she should choose excluded. She has to pay back what she owes.

I'd see if there's any local support for teen alcohol issues. Some of them run 'scare pants off' courses.

If I was in your position, I would be absolutely livid but calm gets to them like nothing else as what they want more than anything is a reaction.

Tortington Sat 20-Nov-10 21:56:12

if i knew my ids had a problem with something - like stealing my beer or alcohol - i wouldn't have it in the house.

best form of attach is defence, and just circumnavigate the whole thing

PinkieMinx Sat 20-Nov-10 21:56:43

I would discipline her and put up with her not coming up - I get the feeling from your post that is not what you're hoping to hear though. Thing is if you can't tackle it in both homes and have a solid approach there doesn't seem much hope of changing her behaviour.

You could contact Al-anon- they also have alateen - for specialist alcohol advice.

englandsmistress Sat 20-Nov-10 22:02:43

I dont have any real advice Im afraid but just wanted to say I know where you are coming from trying to disapline a child who spends half their time somewhere where they dont get any discipline. It feels like a constant bashing of the head on the wall.

Good luck x

mjinhiding Sat 20-Nov-10 22:02:55

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Tortington Sat 20-Nov-10 22:03:35

she goes out to parties whilst she is in your care?

Tortington Sat 20-Nov-10 22:05:10

so she stops coming! she needs telling that you and your family wont be held to randsome.

like my rules or dont lady - but they ARE my rules.

cobbledtogether Sat 20-Nov-10 22:06:14

MJ can you remove her items to the value until its paid back?

mjinhiding Sat 20-Nov-10 22:09:13

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Tortington Sat 20-Nov-10 22:11:37

but if you sanction her - she won't visit apparently!

the thing that gets me is - you are both devolving your power as parents. your dh especially.

it really does have to be my way or the highway - she knows that she can do what she likes becuase there isnt a come back on her - and thats no way to parent.

its difficult and heartbreaking, but your doing her a favour - shes treating you like shit and you are letting her becuase she has you by the balls

so in your shoes i would really say - look we do thing this way in this house. we love you and you are always walys welcome here, but abide byt he rules. if you don't want to visit, we aren't going to die without you love - remember that

mjinhiding Sat 20-Nov-10 22:12:01

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mjinhiding Sat 20-Nov-10 22:16:33

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Tortington Sat 20-Nov-10 22:21:52

there has to be contact made with the mum, just so someone knows where she is.

even if its by e-mail.

would she hit the roof if you put a note through the door simply stating

" we know that x is telling you that she is staying at our house when she isn't. just so we all know where we stand this is an e-mail account and password. when she is at our house, i will e-mail this account and let you know. otherwise please assume that she is not under my care

regards"

------

then set up a simple hotmail account

PinkieMinx Sat 20-Nov-10 22:23:15

I would have thought the same at her age, wouldn't you?

The only thing that ever halted my teenage madness was discipine and talking to. Contact Alanon and ask for some help.

I can understand why you are worried - could you involve her school? Maybe as mother won't co-operate you could speak to a teacher who could address the mother on the staying out/drinking worries you have.

mjinhiding Sat 20-Nov-10 22:26:46

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mjinhiding Sat 20-Nov-10 22:30:03

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mjinhiding Sat 20-Nov-10 22:34:19

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englandsmistress Sat 20-Nov-10 22:36:07

Sounds like he may listen to the head of year.

DBD needs councelling...?! Sounds like her mum does!

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sat 20-Nov-10 22:41:31

Hmm, tricky.

I like the calm approach. My DS is only 9 but I'll remember that one.

I like the email account idea but the mother sounds barking.

How far away does she go to school? Obviously I don't know the background, but I'd talk to Alanon and I think I'd talk to the school for advice, and to let the school know what is going on. It's not acceptable for a 14 year old to be missing for the weekend, and for the mother not to know where her daughter is. I can see you don't want to get into rows with her about whether she can look after her child appropriately, but the school might appreciate you enlightening them if they already have concerns. (is she turning up there with a hangover for instance?)

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sat 20-Nov-10 22:42:10

sorry, x post. It took me a while to think grin

mjinhiding Sat 20-Nov-10 22:42:46

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Tortington Sat 20-Nov-10 22:43:59

sounds like a plan

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