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anyone good with words/writing?

(4 Posts)
Wentsworth Sun 31-Mar-19 12:08:54

hi all!

So a Swiss friend of mine has asked me to look over and correct/improve on this. It's for a brochure.

"The Cave Pousaz Vins, located in the hamlet of Verschiez (Ollon, Chablais Vaudois), was founded in January 2017 by Alexandre Pousaz (winemaker, wine merchant with federal certificate and oenologist ESp).

The link between the Pousaz family, the vines and the Chablais goes back to 1314. In 1984, Paul and André (the grandfather and Alexander’s father) stored in the cellar for the first time, a part of their wine harvest at the vineyard. Until then, the wine harvests were delivered to Aigle and Ollon cooperatives.

The vineyard of Verschiez enjoy an exceptional microclimate with Mediterranean characteristics. The vineyards are cultivated by André who works in PER (ecological service required) and according to the Vitiswiss Charter. These working techniques guarantee the respect of the environment with a sustainable development optic"

Problem is I am not even entirely sure what he's trying to say in some of it. "PER (ecological service required)" is a Swiss qualification as is the "federal certificate"

So far this is what I have written up but I know it doesn't sound as fancy and "Wordy" as he's hoping for
The Cave Pousaz Vins, located in the hamlet of Verschiez (Ollon, Chablais Vaudois), was founded in January 2017 by Alexandre Pousaz (oenologist ESp, winemaker and wine merchant).

The link between the Pousaz family, the vines and Chablais goes back to 1314. In 1984, Paul and André (Alexander’s father and grandfather) stored part of their wine harvest in their cellar at the vineyard for the first time. Before that, the wine harvests were delivered to Aigle and Ollon cooperatives.

The vineyard of Verschiez enjoys an exceptional microclimate with Mediterranean characteristics. The vineyards are cultivated by André who works in PER (ecological service required), according to the Vitiswiss Charter. These working techniques guarantee environmental factors are respected with a vision for sustainable development.

I'm really not good with words in the way some people are! But as a native English speaker he is definitely expecting more of me haha can anyone help?

OP’s posts: |
ScreamingValenta Sun 31-Mar-19 12:15:26

I can't help with the technical parts but I would definitely get rid of the brackets. If the information in them is essential, change it to:

The Cave Pousaz Vins, located in the hamlet of Verschiez, Ollon, Chablais Vaudois, was founded in January 2017 by Alexandre Pousaz, an oenologist ESp, winemaker and wine merchant.

The link between the Pousaz family, the vines and Chablais goes back to 1314. In 1984, Alexander’s father, Paul and grandfather, André ...

mackerella Sun 31-Mar-19 17:32:35

I would check whether he really means "cave" or whether "Cave" in this context means "cellar" (which is the more correct translation of the French). Or whether, in fact, "Winery" would be a better option (depends whether you're translating it or leaving the whole name as the original).

DecumusScotti Mon 01-Apr-19 20:51:11

The link between the Pousaz family, the vines and Chablais goes back to 1314.

I’d suggest elaborating on this a bit, and clarifying what happened in 1314. The history of the place is important, and right now it feels like there’s something missing because it mentions 1314 and then jumps straight to the 80s.

The link between the Pousaz family, the vines and Chablais goes back to 1314. In 1984, Alexander’s father, Paul and grandfather, André ...

I agree with this suggested change. In the original it reads like Andre is both Alexander’s father and grandfather, which can happen, but, well... 😬

You would need a comma after Paul though, since it’s parenthical.

I’m not sure the line about the delivery to the cooperatives really adds anything as it stands either. Might be better replaced with something with more local colour and interest.

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