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Sandwiched between my parents and my daughter

(5 Posts)
MrsMiniver Sun 23-Nov-14 10:41:10

My dad's 87 and very ill (probably terminal) in hospital. My mum (who's still relatively healthy) is looking after him as best she can and we're hoping to have him home soon for palliative care so that he ends his life at home. I live an hour away (sometimes two because I rely on the M25!), work 3 days a week and am a single mum to 14 year old DD. I have two brothers, one of whom actually lives with my parents and the other is local to them. All they do to help is give mum lifts to the hospital and take her shopping. I do everything else - support them emotionally, talk to the medics and arrange dad's care, pay their bills etc. I've been going down twice a week but can only afford to do it once as I struggle to afford the petrol (I'm on a very tight budget) so from next week it'll just be the once unless there's an emergency. DD is lovely but a teenager and all that goes with it and she gets no financial help from her father. I feel bad that I can't buy her the things that her friends get.

I feel that I ought to be doing more for my parents. I'd like to be able to stay with mum for a while and really help her but with DD and job combined, it's just not feasible. Am I doing enough to help? Has anyone else been in the same situation? It's such a shame that my brothers don't do more but nothing's going to change that. The one who lives with them can't even change a lightbulb! I'm beginning to feel I don't know where to turn and thought here might be a good place to start....

cate16 Sun 23-Nov-14 11:00:15

When you say you live-in bother can't change a light bulb- is that 'can't or won't? Is there a reason or is he just not interested in helping?

I'm in a similar situation to you, but the other way around. I am local, my brother is not. I do keep him fully involved in my parents daily life/issues though, and will speak to him if things 'need' doing that I can't, and he will come and help.
This includes any appointments. I work, and I'm lucky that I can be flexible within reason, but if I cannot attend, my brother has enough warning and either himself or one of his family will step in.
If I were never to ask my brother for help, he would probably never offer- however when asked he always does without question.

MrsMiniver Sun 23-Nov-14 11:19:56

Seem to have posted this in completely the wrong place but thanks for your reply Cate! Sadly my brother simply can't change a lightbulb, he has no practical skills whatsoever sad I'm glad you can rely on your brother for help, even if you have to ask. Perhaps that's what I should do more, they do normally respond if I do but as you say, never ever OFFER to help.

cate16 Sun 23-Nov-14 11:34:54

It's not easy is it. sad

magimedi Sun 23-Nov-14 11:45:54

I've been in your situation, some years ago. It's really tough and I think, as Cate said that you need to talk to your brothers & ask them to do thing.

And report your own post, asking MNHQ to move it to somewhere more appropriate - Elderly parents is a good place.

flowers for you it's such a hard place to be.

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