The point is, no amount of diet or exercise will fix my ruined stomach.
You know, I believed that for a long time too. My tummy was absolutely ruined after pregnancy. I was absolutely enormous when I was pregnant, I'm a tiny person and DS was a 10lb-er. It was compounded by the fact that I had major surgery on my ovaries 6 weeks before becoming pregnant. So on top of the stretched out stomach, particularly on the lower right side, I had scars that were stretched out before they could ever heal. I had another unhealed scar from the removal of a large mole on my stomach a few months before. Then DS was born by c-section, so I also have a low tight scar, that means I was left with a pronounced over hang. All that coupled with diastasis meant that my stomach looked a scarred and wrinkled hanging down old butt.
I initially felt little desire to lose weight as I genuinely thought that the extra weight would smooth out the wrinkles. When I did lose weight when DS was a year old it actually looked marginally better. The pooch wasn't as pronounced and it looked less wrinkly around the sides. Though it was like all of the wrinkles collapsed into the centre of my stomach. And it still looked like a wrinkly old butt. I spent a lot of mental energy telling myself it was unchangeable and forcing myself to accept it because I'd never have surgery. It was extra hard as my marriage was over and the thought of revealing my stomach to someone who wasn't the father of the child who's gestation caused the damage was terrifying. When I started to gain weight again, I kind of didn't mind as I figured that it didn't really matter due to the state of my stomach.
Eventually when my DS was 5 (and I was nearing 40) I realised I was in danger of becoming permanently over-weight in a way that was impacting my day to day abilities and would have a serious negative effect on my health. I lost the weight and turned 40 with a health BMI. My stomach once again looked less awful and I realised for once and for all that the extra weight made it look worse. But it still looked like wrinkly butt.
Then by complete chance I found my 'sport.' I gained serious muscle and within 6 months I had visible upper abs. A year on and I had a full 6 pack. The overhanging pooch was completely gone. A huge amount of the wrinkles, I assumed were due to stretch marks had disappeared as they had been subcutaneous fat, unevenly distributed due to the dermal damage. And the majority of the wrinkles that were from stretch marks were filled in by muscle, because muscle is solid and isn't warped by the damaged skin. I still have stretch marks and warped scars, especially around my belly button. The muscle damage on my lower right side is there if you look for it. But I don't think it's the most noticeable thing about my stomach anymore. It's my muscle definition. I'll happily wear a bikini or if it's super hot, exercise in a midriff revealing top.
After nearly 7 years of telling myself I needed to accept the damage to my stomach as being something I was helpless about, I accidentally stumbled into having a super looking stomach. It's not as 'pretty' as the stomach of my early 20s. It's not perfect and undamaged. But it's also not something I have to force myself to accept and live with. It's source of real pride. I love how my stomach looks now, I'd be lying if I didn't say I genuinely admire it. I'm learning how to handstand and I video my attempts so I can check my form. Watching how my abdominal muscles engage as they hold me in place or work to correct my posture is honestly kind of mesmerising. My relationship with my tummy, and my whole body, has become about the joy I derive from it's power and ability. What it lets me do, and what more it will let me do if I keep treating it well and slowly developing it and pushing it's limits. How it looks is secondary but I'd be lying if I didn't say it's a bonus that makes me very happy too.
But I am really angry about the learned helplessness that woman in particular are subject to. All of those years that my tummy was something I was forcing myself to accept and felt really, really helpless about was complete waste for no reason. If I had had known that I had a hell of lot more control of the situation than I had been led to believe, I wouldn't have had a part of me that was perpetually at least a little bit distressed about the damage. I might not have taken that control but at least I wouldn't have felt as crap. It's not just true of our looks either. I had a back injury when I was 20 that caused me pain for 20 years. Not one doctor, or specialist or physio ever encouraged me to build up my core, take the pressure off my back and then rebuild my back muscles. The pain was something I had to learn to live with instead of taking control over because women are trained to accept instead of find power. I have a strong, flexible, pain free back now. All by the pure chance of finding a hobby that fixed it.
So yes, there is damage to your stomach that can't be fixed without surgery. But that doesn't mean that you definitely need surgery to have a stomach you are genuinely really happy with again. You'll probably never look like the celebrity pictures of super bounced back new mothers. But that doesn't mean you won't look some other way that makes you feel great.
I hope you can feel better about it - please don’t hate yourself.