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No one noticed

(27 Posts)
11stoneTess Mon 13-Jul-20 11:24:25

I know I am being ridiculous.

I have lost 2 stone over lockdown. I've gone from a 16/18 to a size 12.

I met up with friends I havent seen since March, and no one noticed my weightloss. And I know there are a million very good reasons why no one noticed, or noticed but said nothing.

I have lost weight. I know this to be a fact. Why do I feel sad that this undisputed fact wasnt validated by someone else?

What do I need to work on so that i'm not desperate for external validation?

I'm battling cravings today, which I know is some sort of 'sod it' response. I'm not going to cave in.

OP’s posts: |
iamMadameX Mon 13-Jul-20 11:34:53

Congrats on the weight loss, don't give in because no one noticed. Perhaps they didn't want to embrass you or bring attention to you. Or you weren't really that big in the first place so a 2 stone loss isn't that noticeable, you've just toned up. Or do they have weight issues their self so are jealous?

Remember you lost the weight for you not for anyone else.

Shedtheload Mon 13-Jul-20 11:54:19

I bet they did notice. It’s not possible to go from a 16/18 to a 12 without it having a noticeable impact on your appearance. The exception might be if you wore baggy clothes before to hide it or if you weren’t big for a long time so they didn’t get used to it.

I would feel awkward mentioning weight loss even where it’s blindingly obvious. I worked with a woman who lost a total of 12 stone (her ex later told us it was due to secret gastric bypass surgery smile). She was dropping weight like nobody’s business but I still felt a bit awkward saying anything because I didn’t want to put her on the spot. So I can totally imagine that none of your friends wanted to be the one who brought it up.

Well done on your loss by the way!

Iliketurtles2020 Mon 13-Jul-20 11:59:15

Hi,
First of all, congrats on the weightloss, be proud of yourself for getting this far!
Perhaps some of them have gained weight - it's always awkward addressing one persons weightloss journey when another friend may have gained a little weight.

Your weightloss journey is for you. If you are proud and feel you need that validation, then maybe posting on social media might be the way forward. You are celebrating you and so friends will jump on the bandwagon because now they know the weightloss was a conscious decision to be healthier, not trauma related.

As someone who met up with friends recently, i was super happy to see them in person and did not really pay attention to anything else. That's just me, though x

sugarbum Mon 13-Jul-20 12:07:19

Its entirely possible that they noticed, but were worried about saying anything in case they made a faux pas - because its not the done thing to comment on peoples weight any more.
Well done OP. Its bloody hard work to lose weight.

Oxyiz Mon 13-Jul-20 12:41:01

Thats brilliant OP, well done!

TBH I possibly wouldn't have noticed, especially after a long time not seeing each other. I almost never do unless its ridiculously obvious (we're probably talking several stone and a huge body shape change). I'm also terrible at not noticing weight at all on someone else unless they're unhealthily thin or really obese.

But that's nothing personal and if you'd mentioned it I'd have praised and celebrated with you!

Why not bring it up next time in an "I'm proud of myself" way?

Squigget Mon 13-Jul-20 13:01:37

Congratulations on your weight loss, that's a great achievement.

I think commenting on people's weight loss is always tricky - I personally feel that if I say to someone 'ooh you're looking nice and slim' that effectively I'm implying (not intentionally) that they were overweight before. I suspect it's the fear of someone feeling insulted as to their previous weight that stops me saying something. That's a bit garbled but hopefully you get the jist of what I'm trying to say!

maudspellbody Mon 13-Jul-20 13:11:58

I have lost a lot of weight in the past and really hated people mentioning it because it was the result of depression and anxiety and being really very unwell with it. I didn't like having my illness congratulated.

I would comment on someone's weight loss achievement if I knew for a fact they had been doing it on purpose and had been working at it, but otherwise, I would be worried about being insensitive. That's just my own projection, though.

ChipsyChopsy Mon 13-Jul-20 13:25:00

I have a friend who lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago. I knew she was losing weight because it was obvious and she also wrote a lot about slimming world on her social media. I refused to get in to the nitty gritty of weight loss with her because I was trying not to get into a conversation about my own struggles, my feelings about the diet industry, my worry that the wheels would come off her wagon sooner or later. It was easier to say 'you look well', and leave it at that.

11stoneTess Mon 13-Jul-20 13:31:47

Thank you all.

I agree weight is a minefield and there are definately good reasons no one mentioned it. I lose when i'm happy and gain when i'm sad - but it's true they might not have noticed that pattern.

I still have more weight to lose, and some toning up to do, so it will hopefully be ridiculously obvious in the coming months, and even if no one ever says anything, I can be proud and mention it if I really still need other people to say something.

OP’s posts: |
11stoneTess Mon 13-Jul-20 13:37:14

Good point - I have gained and lost a few times, so maybe they just dont want to engage with weight in case I fail again.

It feels different this time. But yes, no one other than me can possibly know that.

OP’s posts: |
Myneighboursnorlax Mon 13-Jul-20 13:42:06

Congratulations on your weight loss!

Personally I hate it when people mention my weight to me. Instead of hearing “you look good now” all I hear is “you looked bad before”. So I would never mention anyone else’s weight unless they brought it up first.

SchrodingersImmigrant Mon 13-Jul-20 14:05:26

Congratulations!

Trust me, they noticed. But they might be afraid to say something. It's bit of a cursed area.

Do you feel happy with yourself? Do you feel physically and mentally better? Do you feel proud? Then that's all you need. 😁

11stoneTess Mon 13-Jul-20 16:10:51

I do feel a lot better in myself, yes.

I am hyperfocussed on my weight and appearance at the moment, but that will stop when i'm living a more normal life.

I've been lucky to be in the right place mentally and emotionally to take advantage of lockdown, and my efforts are paying off.

I'm feeling less sad and have resisted food based soothing. Thank you all.

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HeeeeyDuggee Mon 13-Jul-20 16:20:22

I lost 5.5 stone before I got pregnant in 2017 I was really upset the guy I worked with in my office (small team supporting a high up boss) said zero even tho it was super noticeable! We were good friends so one day I was in a grumpy mood and asked him how everyone but him had noticed and complimented me. He said of course had had noticed but didn’t want to say anything in case it was the wrong thing to say and also he didn’t see my weight as a defining thing about my work ability and character so he just didn’t

11stoneTess Mon 13-Jul-20 16:32:48

Oh he sounds lovely! Expressed like that is very nice and shows he thinks very highly of you.

In the back of my mind I realise people are being kind by not saying anything. The front of my mind wants all the recognition. Vanity! But i'm feeling less sorry for myself and starting to be appreciative that my friends also must see me as more than my waistline.

Congratulations on losing 5.5 stone! Thats increadible!

OP’s posts: |
OhioOhioOhio Mon 13-Jul-20 16:34:18

You must have been very hurt.

Evileyecherry Tue 14-Jul-20 22:49:11

Same.

I’ve lost two stone since lockdown. Size 16 to a size 12.

My family have gone big on it and have given me so many compliments and support.

My friends didn’t notice - or if they did didn’t say anything.

I do think they would feel uncomfortable asking if I’d lost weight. Or perhaps because I’m tall - and when I was overweight carried it quite well - they genuinely haven’t noticed.

Well done on your weight loss. It feels great doesn’t it! Concentrate on that. I know how hard the journey is...

WhereamI88 Wed 15-Jul-20 11:58:50

When people tell me ooh you look great after a weight loss, it make me feel super shit when I put it back on and I sort of use that to beat myself up...so lately I actually try not to mention it unless they have gone from obese to super skinny.

On the other hand, they may not have noticed...lockdown has been a blur, likelihood is they noticed a change but couldn’t quite put their finger on it and decided not to say anything

dudsville Wed 15-Jul-20 12:44:15

it's such a minefield, as pp's have already said. I have a friend who gave birth a few months ago, she looks amazing but I'm afraid to comment because I don't want to say that new mothers who haven't lost the weight aren't also amazing. Similarly I have a friend who had several children back to back. After several years of being a mother to young ones she recently lost a lot of weight. I didn't comment for the same reasons.

I had the opposite gained weight with pregnancies. Whenever I more fitted clothing I am asked if I lost weight. It annoys me!

You've done an amazing job looking after yourself. Enjoy what you see in the mirror!

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet Wed 15-Jul-20 12:50:47

Have they gained weight during lockdown? I don't want to say they are jealous, but at the same time, I know for fact that there are a lot of women who don't like it when other women lose weight.

There is absolutely no way that they won't have noticed that much weight loss

Well done, btw! And don't give into those cravings... slippery slope

11stoneTess Wed 15-Jul-20 13:31:17

Thanks for the support everyone. I can see the dilema - is it kinder to say something or nothing. I suppose I assumed my friends would comment because they know I don’t like being the size I was.

Congratulations on your weight loss too evileyecherry.

I have so far resisted unhelpful behaviours. I keep telling myself I can have whatever I want …. But that I can only have it tomorrow. Seems to be working.

I did have an epiphany though. If I’m really, really, really honest, my yo-yoing weight wise has been down to comfort eating, sometimes to cope with life stuff, but also sometimes to cope with the uncomfortable feeling of going from “invisible” to “visible”. Being just a bit overweight doesn’t seem to draw attention (positive or negative) of anyone. It’s possible that had they noticed I would have been battling the urge to comfort eat anyway.

OP’s posts: |
hopeishere Wed 15-Jul-20 13:33:43

Congratulations! Agree it's a minefield in case you accidentally offend.

Any tips as that is exactly what I need to lose!

11stoneTess Wed 15-Jul-20 13:59:17

Hopeishere, I highly recommend intermittent fasting. Time restricted eating seems to get round the psychological aspects of denial that make you mad for all the things you “can’t” have.

I'm doing 23:1 (or OMAD - one meal a day). I started off with 16:8 though. I am sticking to 1100 calories per day, and moderate carbs (~85g). It's coming off slowly and steadily. I'm not exercising much either, but looking to change that to get this last bit of weight off.

OP’s posts: |
TheNewLook Wed 15-Jul-20 23:13:39

I would never comment on someone’s weight. It’s far too personal. I’m sure they noticed.

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