I think I have a problem(3 Posts)
Well, during my teens, after years of being bullied for being tall, having boobs, being broad etc, I developed bulimia and then it went away but the binging stuck because I had fallen into that way of coping. A couple of years ago I was mentally ill, and although I did purge a couple of times, it was mainly the bingeing that worsened. The counselling I'd had for bulimia cured the purging but not the binging and so I did gain some weight over a few years. Anyway, when I was ill a couple of years ago I fell deeper into the binging trap and gained even more weight, not helped by the tablets. I got so fed up of having constant PMT cravings for food, binges once or twice every day and going to bed feeling sick. So when my counselling (CAT) and meds ended this Spring, I decided to try hypnotherapy and had my first lot in July.
It has transformed me and I don't have such anxiety around food or people looking/sniggering. I can take or leave food and walk into a shop for a paper, come out with a paper and nothing else, whereas before I would have bought chocolate, fizzy drinks etc. If I have eaten then I feel sick at the thought of more, and even sometimes can't be bothered to cook/eat unless I am absolutely gasping for food. The therapist is really pleased, because I went on holiday abroad last month and came back half a stone later (through healthy changes to my attitude), and continued to hover or go down a bit until I went on holiday last week and did loads of walking and riding my horses, wasn't bothered about food much and lost another half a stone, making a stone and a bit since the last few days of July (well really it's since mid August as it didn't start working til then). Not a huge amount considering what I have to lose, but probably a little fast considering my track record with EDs.
So I was back from holiday last Sunday and started my new teacher training course last Monday. I was in school for a week and start uni on Monday, so the temptation for food was even less, or I should say the ability to eat it. I've been busy and also just sit and chat in staffroom, while there's a platter of cakes and biccies there. Before I would have munched the whole lot. Monday and Tuesday I had cereal bar for brekkie, fruit and yoghurt for lunch, coffee through day and then missed tea. Wednesday I had alpen bar, no lunch or tea and coffee through day. Yesterday I had a yoghurt and coffee all day, and today all I have had is coffee. My worry is I feel quite content and although I was very hungry, that has gone mostly now and I am ignoring it. I just feel I can't eat and the thought of it really makes me feel, I don't know, sick or nervous. I look at people eating really horrible foods like processed meals and cakes, like in the staffroom today, and it makes me feel sick but also sorry for them. But I know this is wrong.
I know I'm falling into the opposite trap now, but I am enjoying the fact that food now has NO control over me whatsoever. And frankly, if I went to my doctor about this, I wouldn't blame him to look at me and laugh, cause when I had pneumonia a couple of years ago and hadn't eaten cause I had been in intensive care, when I came round more, the sister told me I could live on reserves for weeks! My GP is a family friend so he wouldn't do that, but to be honest, although I know this is becoming a problem as much as the bulimia was, but in the opposite way, I kind of don't know how to go back without returning to binging, iykwim. Argghh. I just don't want to be controlled by food, and now I have lost another 9 pounds this last week. I'm just really struggling with all this and needed to get it all out.
Yep so I have lost about 2 stone since mid August.
I think you are kidding yourself if you think food has no control over you now - if it didn't then you would be eating 'normally' and maintaining,give or take some pounds, your weight. Losing 2 stones in a month by not eating at all is in no shape or form healthy - but I think you know that. Have you stopped your hypnotherapy?
As someone who has struggled practically all my life with EDs I am probably not the best person to give advice! But I do know that, even when you think you are finally in control, it lurks dormant in your life and can suddenly flair up again at any time.
I would love to go have counselling (and I've heard CBT is best for EDs) but just can't make myself go, apart from the fact I have no money and couldn't face telling my doctor. But, in a 'do as I say, not as I do, way' maybe you should go back to counselling or seek help from the Eating Disorders Association - maybe we should both contact them!
But you must not think that not eating is the way to go, as tempting as I know it is - then you know you still do not have control over your EDs.
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