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Aaaargh what is wrong with me :-(

(14 Posts)
SpideyMom Tue 05-Nov-19 20:39:32

So once again I find myself back here seeking the comfort from other mumsnetters who also struggle.

I am not overweight. 9stone 10, 5ft 5. However I am ashamed of myself. I don't have the slimmest body anymore. I have rolls and lumps and my clothes are getting uncomfortably tight. To others my weight wouldn't be an issue, and it really isn't. But what I am ashamed of is myself when it comes to my absolute lack of control when it comes to food. Well that's a lie. I can be good all day and then binge at night. My weight doesn't bother me. Its how I binge stupid amounts of food. To be honest I should be absolutely huge the amounts of food I am eating.
Over the recent weeks I've felt shit about myself. My body is visibly changing. I don't have a gap between my thighs anymore, my tummy no longer goes flat. I have knees that go out and are really fat. But mostly I feel horrible in myself.

Every day I tell myself this is the day I start and then I go to pot. I just want to eat like a normal person. I'm ashamed at how much I can each in one sitting. I even eat despite feeling sick.

I need to change this as I feel miserable

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MrsTerryPratchett Tue 05-Nov-19 20:42:47

I'm not sure you should be in weight loss chat rather than mental health support. Because it doesn't sound like its weight loss you want. Rather a more healthy relationship with food. Have you always binged? And what's that about? Some kind of unmet need generally...

If you're a healthy weight and you want to be toned, the gym is your friend. But sort your relationship with food out.

maloofhoof Tue 05-Nov-19 20:48:08

I'm the same weight and height as you and feel exactly the same!

SpideyMom Tue 05-Nov-19 20:51:25

I used to go to the gym. But as a single parent and no outside help, getting to the gym is near impossible now. I drop my son to school. Am in work within 10 mins. I then have 10 mins between leaving work and collecting my child after school. Any time outside of work I have my son. We go on dogs walks but that's about it. I don't get any time to myself.
But thanks for the advice.

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SpideyMom Tue 05-Nov-19 20:53:48

It makes me sad @maloofhoof I've struggled with binging over half of my life. It makes me miserable.
I honestly don't care what number is on the scales. But I know how terrible I eat and how much I can consume. I'm utterly embarrassed

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JamMakingWannaBe Tue 05-Nov-19 21:41:18

Maybe try hypnotherapy? I had a Paul McKenna book/CD that encouraged you to eat only when you are hungry, eat what you want but stop when you are full. You'd probably find something on Ebay, or maybe find a YouTube channel that resonates with you.

How old is your son? Any chance he'd be up for doing a yoga / exercise video with you? Can he got on a playdate so you have time to exercise? Is there a kids exercise class he could go to and you have a workout at the same time?

Your OP is more about food than exercise
tho. Are you binging once he's in bed? What are you binging on? Can you not buy the offending food for a week and see how you get on? Good luck!

Bluntness100 Tue 05-Nov-19 21:45:16

Op are you purging as well? I'm not sure how you can consume vast quantities of food and maintain a healthy weight otherwise over a long term? What do you consider a vast quantity of food?

I think you need to see your doctor as it seems there is an eating disorder at play.

aggitatedstate Tue 05-Nov-19 21:48:39

I do this too. 9st 6Ib and 5"2 .... I should be enormous

I'll eat so well and then order 4 takeaways over 5 days. In fact Sunday ... I had 2 in one day FFS

AND don't even start me on the cost

SpideyMom Wed 06-Nov-19 10:07:01


So my DS is 5. He loves to join in exercise but space wise within my house there is very little even for me to get a workout. We have tried in the past many times but we just get in the way of each other.

I used to go to the gym regularly before having him, but I have been on my own with him pretty much all his life. I did rejoin the gym for a few months when he was 18 months old, but I felt guilty that he was at the childminders all day, then straight to my parents, then by the time we got home he was fast asleep so I ended up giving it up because felt incredibly guilty that 3 - 4 days a week that was his life.

I dont feel it would be fair on anyone keep expecting my son to be looked after whilst I go to workout. My parents both work into the evening now, and friends I prefer to be invited than ask them. I wish there was something we could do together but I cant find anything available around by me.

I agree my issue here is with food. I tend to binge when he is in bed, but lately I have been doing it from the moment we get in from school to when I go to bed. To balance it, I try to avoid dinner but it only makes it worse. My son is amazing when it comes to his treats. He knows 1 is enough and doesn't eat beyond that. But I am basically eating his treats, so chocolate, biscuits, cakes, crisps, sweets etc in massive amounts, and once I start I think 'oh well may as well go on now', but i go mad.

I suffered with anorexia during my teens. It got to a really bad point where I was nearly hospitalised. I then went the opposite way and started to binge eat, and that's where I have been stuck. How I manage to remain in 'a healthy BMI range' is beyond me. And again I feel guilty about this in many ways as I really should be humongous from the amount of food I can eat. I may appear 'healthy' but I know I am not and I know I dont feel it. I feel awful.

A binge tends to be 3 or 4 chocolate bars, a few cakes, half a pack of biscuits, 3 bags of crisps, some sandwiches and ice cream. I just cannot stop once I start and its always junk. I easily eat in excess of 2000 calories but I suspect I could be alot more.

I am not too bad with the takeaways. As its just me and my DS I can get away with not ordering them, but we do love a Dominos so we have those as a treat to him maybe once every 6 - 8 weeks.

I find myself here in weight loss because I really can see this spiraling out of control. If I continue like this I have no doubt I will just get bigger and bigger. I really am ashamed of my greed and dont understand why I am doing it. I am never sick, but I still continue eating despite feeling terribly sick :-(

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raspberrymoussecake Thu 07-Nov-19 06:31:51

I used to regularly binge on chocolate and ice cream etc and then I worked it out what the problem was: sugar addiction. I quit sugar and my weight has stabilised and I never ever binge now. I maintain my weight at 9 stone 4 pounds at 5' 7" which I'm happy with. Sugar addiction is an enormous problem and so many people are in its thrall. Giving up is hard but once you get through a week you're home and dry and the craving is gone. If you do decide to do it you will probably need a couple of days off work if your body is used to lots of sugar (which yours sound like it is) and you will need painkillers for the headaches. I weaned myself off it by eating berries instead of chocolate or ice cream or biscuits. Fruits like bananas or oranges or grapes are no good as they are full of sugar. For me it's been a life changer and for the first time since my teens I am effortlessly slim.

SpideyMom Thu 07-Nov-19 13:50:34

I think you are right. The minute I have sugar that's it. I go mad

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MyGhastIsFlabbered Thu 07-Nov-19 14:32:19

I'm a binger too. I have on occasion actually eaten until I've been sick. I'm disgusted with myself. I've recently discovered I have over 4 stone to lose to get a healthy BMI. Fuck. How did that happen?

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 07-Nov-19 14:37:26

As well as the effect sugar has, I'm willing to bet how you avoid gaining weight is not eating enough in the day of 'good' food, like protein and healthy fats. Then you're tired and hungry. And stressed and lonely and the sugar is medication.

SpideyMom Thu 07-Nov-19 16:06:46

Another very valid comment. I guess I am fasting and then binging, but daily. Ive never put how terrible and exhausted I feel down to the way I eat but it wouldn't surprise me.
It's not uncommon for people at work to comment 'I don't get how you don't eat all day'. I've been like it most of my life. I don't come from a family that eats breakfast, lunch and dinner. And I think now I fear adding those meals will just make me gain weight.
I have so much to work on, and the weight being very little of the issue here :-(

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